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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Jewish Religion Adds Holiday, Splits Into Divisions

(from MZone wire reports) Roslyn, NY - The Jewish religion has decided to add Presidents' Day to its calendar of holidays, allowing it to split into divisions and hold a championship game.  The move had been widely expected ever since January when Rabbi Herb Goldstein said members of the faith were studying ways to compete with the larger and more well-known Christian religion.

But as news of the impending expansion broke, many fans of the traditional Jewish calendar were outraged to learn that the Jewish High Holidays, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, were being placed in separate divisions.  According to sources close to Temple Beth El B'nai, Yom Kippur will most likely be moved from its traditional early fall date to early-summer.

Shalom, Presidents' Day!
Rabbi Ross R. Rosenrosen defended the move.  "We understand folks have grown to expect Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur back-to-back -- especially non-Jewish college students who score the football tickets those weekends off the Jewish kids on their dorm floors who have to attend services.  But we wanted to spread out our two biggest holidays, like the Christians do with Christmas and Easter.  Plus, we didn't want Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur potentially meeting again the following month in our title game."

According to MZone wire reports, the new divisions will be as follows: the Abraham Division will consist of Rosh Hashanah, Sukkot, Chanukkah, Purim, Lag B'Omer and Tisha B'Av while the Moses Division will include Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah, Tu B'Shevat, Passover, Shavu'ot and Presidents' Day.   The championship game will rotate between West Bloomfield, Michigan and South Florida.

There had been some speculation that Good Friday might bolt the Christian religion for the new Jewish super-league but in the end it decided to stay put and continue its longstanding weekend association with Easter Sunday.  Sources tell the MZone that the 4th of July was also approached but, in the end, the summer holiday powerhouse decided to remain secular.

Some religious scholars questioned whether or not the addition of the relatively minor Presidents' Day was a good move.  But the financial lure of a championship game and the added exposure to a faith that makes up just 1.78% of the population in the United States proved to be too much to pass up for one of the oldest religions in the world.

Many now fear the Jewish realignment could lead to other faiths making a run on the remaining independent secular holidays in order not to get left behind, leading to just a handful of super religions.  However, at press time, none of the other major religions in the United States had announced any changes, although the Christians said they were studying the moves by the Jewish faith.


Andy said...

Pure genius.

Jeremy said...

Tu B'shvat is the same as Arbor Day. I'm not criticizing; in fact, I am complimenting on what is (I hope the intentional creation of) the perfect analogy. Why bring in a school from Nebraska when we already have one from Iowa?

Yost said...

I wish I could claim credit, Jeremy, for intentional. But it was a Gentile mistake on my part. Hence the "correction."

And back at you, Andy, you Photoshop wizard!

Andy said...


whetstonebuck said...



justthinking said...

Whets -

Thanks for adding your sig to your post, that explains a lot.

And yes, we'll be seeing you in "that firey city down below" in about 10 weeks. And, win or lose, thank GOD we don't have to stay there permanently!

srudoff said...

Ha first you go from saying that Jesus has his own Twitter account, to saying that the Jewish religion is splitting into divisions! On top of that you beat Notre Dame at home!

Whets is right.

At least you stopped ND on that last drive and prevented all of the Crist has Risen headlines that would have popped up all around the blogosphere.

wv: replatio - guess that's when you find another girl to give you some you know what.

GoBlueBob said...

We know why whets likes Arizona. At least it's a dry heat.

wv = boozoil / used to make tequila frys

Yost said...

At least you stopped ND on that last drive and prevented all of the Crist has Risen headlines that would have popped up all around the blogosphere.


phil said...

Yost, good split. A mohel couldn't have done it any better.

whetstonebuck said...


Here's a tip: You're oh, so close. Be careful.

"boozoil." Ahahahahahaha.


It's not the heat. It's the humidity.


Dude, your compass is broken. It's 180 deg. off.


"Crist has risen!" Classic.

phil said...

you're a few matzo balls short of a Seder

(or as we say south of the border: a few tacos short of a fiesta platter)

whetstonebuck said...

"(or as we say south of the border: a few tacos short of a fiesta platter)"

Not to be confused with "a few habaneros short of 'Devil's Spit' salsa."

TitleIX said...


Bigasshammm said...

Just emailed a humorous story to the Spawn email.

Run with it.

Mikoyan said...

Okay, part II is up...


Mikoyan said...

And Part III


Joel Ungar said...

I wish I'd written this!