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Thursday, April 20, 2006

It's Time Someone Talked to Florida

ED. NOTE: You know how the Discovery Channel has Shark Week? Well, for regular M Zone contributor IC, this has been Helmet Week. Today, he caps his three-part series with a little rant about Florida's lids.

Hey, Florida. Look, I've been wanting to talk to you for a while about something. It's a little awkward, but I need to just come out and tell you how I feel.

Your helmets suck.

They're really bad.

And the thing is, you deserve so much better. You're a perennial national power. You're always sending guys to the NFL. You've produced Heisman Trophy winners and a national championship team.

You also have good colors and such a cool mascot--that puffy-chested gator wearing a sweater. Oh, and I love that catchy horn thing your marching band constantly plays that I can't get out of my head.

But your helmets look like a bottle of Sunkist Soda, circa 1981. Why are you still wearing those things? And don't tell me how other schools have script on their helmets too. Do you really want to be lumped in with those programs? Would Urban Meyer have blown off Notre Dame for Maryland or Illinois?

Come on, man, you're Florida.

I appreciate you hearing me out. I know the Zook Era was tough. And I know that it was upsetting after that "Simpsons" episode when everyone was calling Florida "America's Wang." But trust me, we were saying that about the state, not about the university. Everyone still respects you.

It's just that we'd all respect you a little more if you ditched those crappy helmets.


Yost said...

Hmmm. You know, they do look like the old soda bottle.

Although, I must admit, I sort of like their helmest. Then again, I also like Sunkist soda and Orange Crush, too.

Anonymous said...

"you respect them"

Those dirty rotten scum sucking Gators have no respect for themselves, how can you have any for them?

If you have any doubt, attend a game in Gainsville. Just imagin a group, young and old, who pride themselves on harassing the living shit out of visiting fans. A larger group of assholes never assembled.

The Florida Gators, the arrogance of Notre Dame with the tradition of Wake Forrest.

The only helmet that even came close in suckiness was the old orange Tampa Bay Bucs helmet.

Anonymous said...

A larger group of assholes never existed? You're confusing us with Miami or Florida State. The fact of the matter is you won't find many fans nicer than those at the SEC schools. Before a game I'd be glad to have you stop by my tailgate, share a beer and talk some football. At the game? Well, I'm a student, so I'm going to be loud, I'm going to be standing up for the entire game, and I'm going to be in your team's head. Why? Because it's The Swamp, only Gators get out alive. But that isn't Gainesville overall. We may give you some ribbing if you're a team we dominate (ahem, Georgia) but we aren't by any means assholes before the game.

Perhaps you're thinking of Miami where the Orange Bowl sells out once every two years (when FSU comes to town) and a bunch of fans who have no association with the University of Miami other than being from the city of Miami can curse and taunt you. Or of Florida State, where you can't walk down the street on a gameday without having the "warchant" howled by a bunch of students who dreamed their entire lives of getting into your school and are pissed that they didn't. But Gainesville? You're dead wrong about us slimrod.

Anonymous said...

slimrod sounds like you got harrassed a little. Sticks and stones my friend. Also how does Michigan keep 108,000 fans so quiet? I always admirred the lulling cricket chirps as I watch 3 yards and a cloud of dust during my naptime television when the Wolverines are on. I never understood how Arkansas games were louder than a a stadium that holds so many like MS. Anne Arbor. But we can't all be so well behaved. I guess we'll keep standing entire games and screaming until our throats bleed while that permiscuous Ms. Anne Arbor keeps waving her pom poms in good fun. Maybe you can all snap your fingers or tap your foot after Td's, you know like once or twice a game, to raise some noise. After reading your post I've come to the realization that Buckeyes aren't the only usless nuts in your conference.


Anonymous said...

slimrod, in Homer Simpson-esque fashion, you seem to have inexplicably confused Gainsville with Columbus. Where the heck did you get your directions to Florida and didn't it seem unseasonably cool there?

The King said...

I went to the Outback Bowl three years ago when we beat Florida, and predictably, the crowd was 99.9% Gators.

I'd say 75% of the teeth in that entire stadium that day were in my mouth.

Anonymous said...

I agree. Florida's helmets do like like a bottle of Sunkist.

Illinois' look like a box of Wheaties.

I will disagree that they have cool colors. Orange isn't anyone's friend.

Anonymous said...

hey slimrod (which is probably what your girlfriend calls you) - we're the NATIONAL CHAMPIONS in mens' basketball and you're the NIT runner up - choke on it!

oh yeah, one of our Super Sophs, Al Horford, is from Grand Ledge, MI. If you can't keep your best talent in state, well, ask Mike Davis about that.

Anonymous said...

Interesting thoughts, and I'm not a huge fan of our helmets either. But please allow me to retort:
i know the historic "winged" helmet has been around forever and you are all real proud of it but i have a few questions/comments:

first, i don't really see wings anywhere on there. from head-on, it sorta looks like one of those jester hats you buy on bourbon street, where it's shaped like a crown and has those stupid things hanging down from all sides.

second, even if i saw wings, what the hell do wings have to do with wolverines?

Anonymous said...

slimrod sounds like you got harrassed a little.

If "getting in your face" means having students as well as grown men screaming F**K Y*U in the face of my 65 year old mother and father than you can keep your little shit hole of a town.

I'm not kidding when I say it is not only drunk students, but the Gator Alum who act like this way.

Inbreeding is alive and well in Gainsville Florida.

BaggyPantsDevil said...

I'm a total snob when it comes to helmets but I've never thought these were that bad. I have to admit, I even like Maryland's current helmets. They--and Ole Miss--have helmets that just look “collegiate” to me. Whatever the hell that might mean.

They might be improved by making them white instead of orange, though. The resemblance to the Sunkist bottle is uncanny. Orange just isn’t a great color for helmets.

We need some sort of poll to determine the worst helmets in IA college football. Go conference to conference. There’s definitely some other schools out there who need a talking to.

Is the season about to start yet?

Anonymous said...

To tell the truth, as an unbiased third party, when I read the blog about the top 5 helmets, Florida's was in my top 5. I like it and always have. Maybe it is the Sunkist effect...mmmm, sunkist.

Anonymous said...

You are so full of crap slimrod. That never happens. I hate the Gators as much as anyone but you are being ridiculous. They're known for welcoming anyone to tailgates and displaying perfect Southern Hospitality to even this old snowbird. You're just making things up or found the two a-holes amongst the 90 or so thousand. You sound like a cry baby making things up. Also since living down here I've met plenty of Michigan people who refer to themselves as hill billy's don't have teeth and litter the national forests with their single wides. Little known fact the state of Michigan is #2 in the country in cowboy boot sales behind Texas. Congratulations. GO IRISH!

Anonymous said...

Michigan fans are funny. They don't know what to do at football games. During the Outback Bowl the Gator fans were getting loud when the Blue was on offense and some Wolverines around me started trying to get louder cheering for their team not realizing Gators were trying to make it difficult to audible only contributing to the problem. They dressed up in hard hats and in Halloween costumes. Very weird bunch. The only time I found myself siding with Florida. Hey slimrod tell us another fictional tale. Your "stories" are amusing little man. Sounds like one of them Gator fans stole your woman! Also learn how to spell Gainesville.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention this earlier. Great site guys. Laughing my ass off. Also slimrod I apologize for any of my fellow Gator fans if that is even slighlty true. But I will say that for all the years I've been going and all my riends who are rivals and visited The Swamp I've never heard anything close to that. Sure we'll heckle fans about their team just like everyone else but nobody is out there standing around poiting and saying F You to little old ladies. Get serious. But like the other guy said it's possible there are always two out of the thousands. Try us again and you'll see it doesn't go on.


Yost said...


Thanks for the kind words. Glad you realize this site is mostly tongue firmly planted in cheek.


Are you sure you weren't in Columbus when that old lady was assaulted?

SmoothJimmyApollo said...

Many script based helmets have better options in their own logos. Florida should put that open gator-mouth head on their helmets. Maryland should have the turtle holdng the flag. And Ole Miss should definitely be rocking the grizzled old racist with the wide-brim hat on the side of their helmets.

Anonymous said...

Hey fella's, maybe your 3 part series on helmet's should actually be a 3 part series on "How to beat OSU again".

Yost said...



Anonymous said...

Michigan helmets are a rip off of the old Princeton helmet. Say what you want, but Florida's are original.

Yost said...

Uh, no, they're not, Anon. See post below for history. Those weren't Princeton helmets, they were simply a brand made by Spalding in '37.

As for writing the school nickname "Gators" on the side of your helmet, I don't know if I'd exactly call that original. And I like your helmets.

Anonymous said...

"The Florida Gators, the arrogance of Notre Dame with the tradition of Wake Forrest."

Seriously, kid. Nobody from anywhere CLOSE to the Big 10 has any room whatsoever to call ANY other team, save for Notre Dame, arrogant.

Assuming you're a Big 10 supporter, that might've been the dumbest thing I have ever read on the internet. And I've read M-Zone, so that's saying a lot.

(just kidding guys, I hate Michigan, but dig the blog site!)

Anonymous said...

There is nothing better looking in football than that ORANGE helmet streaking down the middle field

Anonymous said...

Michigan's helmets are the ugliest in any level of football today. That includes pee-wee to NFL Euro. You guys know this, but still refuse to change your helmets. Why should UF?

Anonymous said...

Gator fans, thanks for your response.

If I could ask one thing of your gracious fans when sitting in the stands or walking through the parking lot, assume that an opposing fan and his FAMILY who are being harassed DO NOT enjoy it. You may even be bold enough to ask to the gracious home town fans to cool it, and, sit down, I'm going to suggest something cutting edge here -- welcome the visiting fans to town and to enjoy the experience of a great college football game.

Anonymous said...

I go to UF, and personally like the helmets. They aren't flashy, and look pretty good, the color scheme wors too, I think having a blue or white base helmet wouldn't look right with the white or blue jerseys.

As for slimrod, I'm sorry about what happened, I know there are some fans which can be arrogant and drunk idiots, but as a whole the fans areas friendly as can be. We just like to show our enthusiasm. So when we are in the stands we are going to stand up, and be as loud as we can. Its the way fans should be.

Anonymous said...

"We just like to show our enthusiasm. So when we are in the stands we are going to stand up, and be as loud as we can."

I did not mean to sit down in the stadium while watching the game.
I meant sit down while I offer you a novel idea. I'm sorry it was my poor attempt at humor.

Trader Rick said...

We are proud Gators and we think the helmits are among the coolest in the NCAA! Go Orange and Blue!! Gatorade Rocks!!

Anonymous said...

I would hate to see the gator head on the side of the helmet. If I'm not mistaken, that logo was created in the 90's, so there's no history there, and it would look pretty ugly on a helmet.
My vote - if we had to change the helmet - would be to go back to the old-style blue "F" on the side. Those were pretty badass.

NIT is the place to be said...

I would be angry at Florida too if my athletic department was on its way down as fast as U of M's. I remember when a wolverine’s team other than women’s softball was ranked. Does anyone else? I can understand why a wolverine fan would be angry at Florida. The gators are ranked top 20 in almost every sport they compete. The "big house" couldn't even help the beloved UM football team beat unranked Wisconsin or Minnesota on their way to finishing unranked themselves.
Mr. Slimrod must have forgotten his sunscreen on a family vacation to Florida in years past, because that is the most ignorant yammering on I have seen on any board since the days leading up to George Mason's destruction in the final four. The fact is people do respect Florida; they respect Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. If Mr. Slimrod had ever been to a Gator football game he might know how to properly spell Gainesville. I was under the impression that U of M was an academic institution.... I guess not

Anonymous said...

What a joke, some yankee's "team" with YELLOW strips on their helments and one more running down their backs should be complaining about next years NATIONAL CHAMPIONS helments!!! ( not in basketball but football TOO)Proud of the GATOR NATION

Anonymous said...

What a joke, some yankee's "team" with YELLOW strips on their helmets and one more running down their backs should be complaining about next years NATIONAL CHAMPIONS helmets!!! ( not in basketball but football TOO)Proud of the GATOR NATION

Sorry for the misspelled words but I was laughing too hard at you dumb yankees.

Yost said...

That's ok. We were laughing at your spelling.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe nobody has pointed out the other national championship team that uses the winged helmet:


Anonymous said...

Just think about it, all the traditional power houses have had the same helmets for a long time. Sure they might not be the best, but all over Florida's past has come in those helmets so they need to stay the same. As much as you don't like them, give them a break... and by the way, you are thinking way too much about the way they look. You should be more worried about how they play. Meyer will have them in the top 5 again soon, so watch out.

Anonymous said...

Dude does it really matter that much about the helmet it matters how u play get a life focus on the game....................

Anonymous said...

Im so sorry that u think that way By the way I absolutly love their he,mets and their not going to change

Anonymous said...

NoterDame sucks a cock

Anonymous said...


Maybe if that 65 year old hooker mother of yours wasn't running her mouth (the same way she earns a living, no doubt), they would have left her alone.