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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Fan Film Breakdown: We were watching OSU football when we heard the gunshots

At the beginning of the season before the Alabama game, we started a new series here on the MZone called Fan Film Breakdown which we described this way:

When players and coaches want to learn about their next opponent, they watch and break down game film, studying it for clues.  But what if you want to learn about a team's fanbase? 

In an effort to help you, the MZone reader, better know the fans of our opponents each week, today we are starting a new feature here called Fan Film Breakdown.  In a nutshell, we scour YouTube for videos posted by fans of Michigan's next opponent, then break them down like coaches in order to give you insight into those fans.  Sure, it may sound simple, but it takes a keen blogger's eye to really "see the fanbase."

It was a hit with our readers and we couldn't wait to do the next one.  But there was just one teeny, tiny problem: content.  We quickly discovered that very few fan bases put the necessary asshattery online that's needed to sustain a series like this.  I mean, you don't find a whole hell of a lot of Air Force fans doing stupid shit in a double-wide then posting it to YouTube.

So the series went dormant - until now.  Because, thankfully, this is Ohio State week.  And they put all their stupid shit online.  Heck, the MZone might not exist if they didn't.

Thus, we present to you the delayed-but-worth-the-wait next installment of Fan Film Breakdown: Ohio State.

CLIP #1: O-H...I-Shit, Hit The Ground!



Yes, if there was ever :17 seconds that perfectly summed up Ohio State's fanbase, this is it.  In fact, if we'd made a parody OSU fan video, it wouldn't have been this good.

WHAT WE LEARNED:

-- Gunfire apparently gets a Buckeye fan to stop watching the game (although, to be fair based on the above video, we can only say with certainty that this happens when it's someone else doing the firing and not the Buckeye fan himself)
-- If your car runs into the porch, just leave it there

KEY PLAY:

-- "We were watching football...the Ohio State football game... and we heard a couple gunshots...so we just came out."

CLIP #2: Buckeye Potty Humor



How obsessed are Buckeye fans with Michigan?  We found almost as many vids of Tosu fans teaching their kids to and/or begging them to say something anti-Michigan (even ones like this one in which apparently a family friend or relative is doing it) as we did kids being goaded into saying "Go Bucks!"

WHAT WE LEARNED:

-- Of course Dad is wearing a Terrelle Pryor jersey.  Natch.
-- It's hard to be a Buckeye badass when you're sitting in front of Laura Ashley print curtains
-- We couldn't agree more that in the bathroom next to the shitter is the perfect place to store Woody Hayes and all your other prized Buckeye memorabilia
-- Buckeye fans have no problem sticking their hands in the toilet (probably from all their janitorial work) but apparently don't feel the need to wash their hands afterwards
-- What is it with Ohio State fans and toilet issues?  No seriously.  This is a big problem with them.

KEY PLAY:

-- "Woo hoo!  Poo on Blue, let's do this!"
-- "We need to have a target...for our poo poo.  This is a very special time in a Buckeye's life."  (Hey, you said it, not us.)

CLIP #3: OSU Upper Level Classes



WHAT WE LEARNED:

-- Now you know why Tosu is where it is in the U.S. News and World Report college rankings
-- This constitutes grad level work at Tosu
-- We're just happy to see Brutus didn't stick his head in the one beaker like other OSU fans just because he saw yellow liquid (you'll understand in a minute)

CLIP #4: Get Naked If You Hate Michigan



WHAT WE LEARNED:

-- Classy, aren't they?
-- If Woody Hayes spirit really was there, uh, we think we know where he was hiding

KEY PLAY:

-- "Fuck Michigan! (EXTENDS MIDDLE FINGER) Fuck you! Wooooooo!"
--  "I have no clothes on right now, that's how much I hate Michigan." *

* Actually, that's not true.  You still have a bikini on.  So, to be honest, we kinda wish you had a little more hate in you.

CLIP #5: You look like the piss boy

Note: The clip is labeled "Browns fan" on YouTube, but check out the dude's shirt.  Yep, you guessed it.  

Now, watch on at your own risk as man is offered $450 to stick his head in a bucket of urine at a tailgate.  You have been warned.



WHAT WE LEARNED:

-- Ohio State fans will do anything for money
-- This guy is married? 
-- So let me get this straight -- he took his shirt off?!  He's more worried about ruining his Ohio State shirt than STICKING HIS HEAD IN A BUCKET OF HUMAN URINE!  Oh...my...God.
-- The dude's boobs are almost as big as Mirror Lake Girl's above
--  That could be the grossest thing I've ever seen in my life.  I'm not kidding.  I should get at least $75 of that money for watching that in order to do this post. 
-- Why do I think that this still probably isn't the worst thing this dude has ever done.
-- On the positive side for this guy, before he dies of whatever disease(s) he caught, that $450 should be able to buy him some sweet-ass rims and curb feelers for his Camaro
-- Hand sanitizer?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You just stuck your head in a giant bucket of piss and you think HAND SANITIZER is going to make a difference?
-- How much you want to bet this asshole got in a fight inside the stadium with the guy sitting next to him because the other guy kept looking at Piss Boy and plugging his nose.  Can't you just hear it: "What the fuck you looking at, dick?!  Got a problem!?"  

KEY PLAY:

-- "My wife will kill me." (not if everything you just caught doesn't first)

UPDATE: Can get more embarrassing/worse?  It can: Piss Boy is a police officerNo, he is. Click here. (HT: Dennis for the info) 


8 comments:

Ron said...

Yost, freakin awesome. Stay classy Buckeyes. (Although you have the Denard Superman video there instead the buckeye yellow liquid video).

Dennis said...

Glad to see you are back on track, I was worried you would lose focus with Rutgers and Maryland coming to the B1G.

I’d do a video by video defense/rebuttal, but I can’t really say much about the first one. I looked up the full story and it was indeed during the Wisconsin game. I’m guessing it was when we were up 14-0. Either that or they are causal fans. No way would I check out gunshots if the game was close.

I never understood the Buckeye Bathroom. I could see having a Michigan toilet. Maybe. Did you see Gracie’s Buckeye song? There was a link at the end of the poo video. My ears are bleeding a bit. In his defense, he is at least doing something with his kid.

[man you need a sarcasm font]I know you suffer from mascot envy. It’s okay. You still have a nice little football program. I know you don’t have a cool mascot to do chemistry tricks, but you still have some great traditions, like being the first ranked FBS team to lose to an FCS team. Someday soon, I’m sure Dave Brandon will give you the lovable mascot you have been asking for, for every Christmas since you were knee high to Bo. [/ I mean really you need a sarcasm font, that last paragraph just dripped with it]

As for Mirror Lake, we’re just more passionate than you. That’s why we don’t have videos pleading to have our students show up to games. [Pay no attention to my replies to your post about that in which I said OSU students were late coming to some games.] And she’s building up her tolerance for the urine bucket later in life because there is no way Mirror Lake is pure and clean.

Maybe the Urine guy was still operating on old science?

Oh and Yost, you missed possibly the most important part of the urine story. This guy might be the one to pull you over for doing 55.1 in a 55 if you have Michigan plates on your car. Yes, indeed, he is a police officer. According to the story there was also a lieutenant and two sergeants there as well who put money in the pot. No, the other pot.

Yost said...

Dennis,

He was a cop? Really? Where did you see that?

Dennis said...

Not sure what I did wrong with the html tag, but Pollice officer was supposed to be a link.

Try this.

Yost said...

Wow, Dennis. I mean... wow. Thanks for that link. Updated!

Mikoyan said...

What, no Mascot Man?

Yost said...

Mik, he hasn't put up anything new since those first two we found.

Mikoyan said...

Mascot Man pretty much sums up everything you need to know about OSU though. Oh well.

He probably got depressed after Tressel got fired and he will forever be saying, "Tressel, you're a stud in this town...."