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Monday, November 19, 2012

Drunk Dialing with Jim Delany

OUTSIDE BIG TEN HEADQUARTERS - LAST THURSDAY - 1:16 AM

A single light was still on: Jim Delany's


INSIDE JIM DELANY'S OFFICE

Empty beer cans litter Delany's desk as he picks up the phone and dials.  After several rings, a groggy female voice answers:

FEMALE VOICE:  Hello?

JIM DELANY: Hey, Missouri, what's up?

MISSOURI: Who is this?

JIM DELANY: It's Jim.  Jim Delany.

MISSOURI: What time is it?

JIM DELANY: I dunno.  Late.

MISSOURI: You really hurt me last time.  I thought maybe you and I had-- 

Missouri suddenly stops, not wanting Delany to hear the pain in her voice, nay -- in her soul.  She suddenly turns cold:

MISSOURI: What do you want?

JIM DELANY: Nothing.  I was just thinking about you.

MISSOURI: Well I'm seeing someone now.

JIM DELANY:  Yeah, I heard.  The SEC, right?  I was just calling to see if you're happy.  Because I heard he beats you.  Every weekend.  Bad.

MISSOURI (GETTING MAD): That's not true!

CLICK! The phone goes dead in Jim's ear. 

JIM DELANY: Shit.

Delany finishes off the beer in his hand then quickly dials another number.  Another groggy voice answers:

LOUISVILLE: Hello?

Delany doesn't say anything.

LOUISVILLE: Jim, is that you?  I was hoping you'd call.

But Louisville is met with silence.

LOUISVILLE: Jim, if that's you, talk to me.  Please.  What do you want?  I'll do anythi--

CLICK!  Delany quickly slams down the phone and shakes his head: even I'm not that drunk.  Plus, I can do better than that, he thinks.  I'm fucking Jim Delany: Jim. Fucking. Delany.

He punches another number into the phone.  Waits.

FEMALE VOICE: What?

JIM DELANY: Hey, baby, it's Jim Delany.  I--

TEXAS:  Who gave you my number?

JIM DELANY: Nebraska.

TEXAS: Look, Jim, we have nothing in common.  Okay?  Plus, you can't afford me.  Now please don't call me again.

Texas slams down the phone as Delany is met with a dial tone.

2:17 AM

A half-finished whiskey bottle now shares space on the desk with the beer cans.  Delany looks like absolute shit.  Eyes glassy.  As if half the teams in his league lost to MAC schools.  Or worse - like Indiana could somehow sneak into the B1G title game.  You know, like this:


Delany can barely dial.  Has to do it four or five times to get it right.  He hasn't been this fucked up since he tried to move the Michgian-Ohio State game to October.  Finally he gets the number right as another tired voice greets him:

FEMALE VOICE: Hello?

JIM DELANY (NOW SLURRING HIS WORDS): Heyyyyy, S-- Sur-- (FINALLY GETTING IT OUT), Syracuse.  It's JD and I'm just sitting here with JB -- Jim Beam.

SYRACUSE:  JD?  Jim Delany!?

JIM DELANY: Fuckin' A.

SYRACUSE: I'm... Wow!  This is... Wow!

JIM DELANY:  I've had my eye on you forever.

SYRACUSE: You have?

JIM DELANY: 'Course.  We should get together.  Maybe go hang in the city.  With all the people and their cable-ready households.

SYRACUSE: You mean like Buffalo?

JIM DELANY (LAUGHS): New York.

SYRACUSE: Uh... okay, but that's like four and a half hours away.

JIM DELANY: What?

SYRACUSE: I live in Upstate New York.  Is that a problem?

JIM DELANY (MAKING HIS VOICE BREAK UP): What did you sa--? We ha-- a bad-- connectio--

CLICK! Delany slams down the phone.

JIM DELANY: Fuck.

He quickly dials another number.  Before the person can even say hello:

JIM DELANY:  Just give me one more chance.  One more.  I promise we can work it out!

NOTRE DAME:  Goddammit, Jim!  Stop calling me.  Remember the restraining order?!

JIM DELANY: But--

NOTRE DAME: No, you listen to me for the last time -- we NEVER DATED.  We just hooked up.  And now we don't.  We're through.  Get. Over. It!

Notre Dame hangs up on Delany... who vomits into a nearby trashcan, all over an autographed picture from Danny Hope.

2:58 AM

Delany can barely hold up his head as he makes another call.  Then a gruff, deep voice answers:

MARYLAND: Yeah? (YELLING TO SOMEONE) Turn that down!  TURN THAT THE FUCK DOWN!  I'M ON THE FUCKING PHONE!  What the fuck?  (BACK INTO THE PHONE) Who is this?

JIM DELANY: It's Delany.

MARYLAND:  Big Ten Jim Delany?

JIM DELANY:  The one and only.

MARYLAND: Well, well, well.  And what can I do for you... BIG Jim?

JIM DELANY: I--

Delany burps... and throws up in his mouth a little bit.  He quickly swallows it back down.

MARYLAND: Did you just vurp and swallow it?

Uh, oh: Busted.

JIM DELANY: Yes.

MARYLAND: Me, too!

JIM DELANY:  See, we're a lot alike.  That's why I've been thinking about you.  Only you. 

MARYLAND: Don't lie to me.

JIM DELANY: Fine.  Wanna come over or what?

MARYLAND:  Well, I just got off the shitter, but I'm DTF.  Can you come pick me up?

JIM DELANY:  Uh...

MARYLAND: Never mind.  I'm good.  Let me just find my seatbelt extender.

JIM DELANY: Hurry.

She hangs up and Delany quickly dials one last number:

GROGGY FEMALE VOICE: Hello?

JIM DELANY: Maryland's coming over, you wanna join in?

RUTGERS: I'll be there in 10.

JIM DELANY: Awesome!



Big HT to 5th & Long for emailing us the idea!

6 comments:

616goblue said...

THIS is the reason why I enjoy reading the Mzone on a regular basis. Top shelf, along the same line as "this is your life vs this is college life."

Hail.

phil said...

Yost: Nebraska? All in favor say I.

Mzoners: We need the dues.

Yost: Good. Nebraska is now a pledge to the Big10. Next slide, please.

Mzoners: BOOOOOO!!

Yost: Just a minute! Just settle down! This is Maryland. They're a legacy from the ACC.
Now wait a minute! Okay, this team is a real zero. That's true.

Think back to when you were admitted to the Big10. Michigan State, you were a drunk and stupid little shit, right?
And Ohio State here. Everybody thought that the Buckeyes were brain damaged.
I myself was so superior that I beat teams every single week for decades. So this team is a total loser? Well let me tell you the story of another loser.....

Dennis said...

I lived in the Maryland suburbs of DC for 8 years. i had a boss who is a Maryland Alum and he and the Michigan guy(grew up in Ann Arbor, went to Wisconsin, worked for Penn State, for the love of God, pick one team) I used to work with trade weekly emails all season about football. Maryland will be a nice addition for basketball, but are not a great addition football wise. Small satdium even with added seats. And they were often pleading with folks to come to the games.

And don't even get me started about Rutgers. I know the argument is the DC, Baltimore and NY televion markets, but Rutgers does not draw big numbers in NY even when they were winning a few years ago.

Maryland may do a little better, but DC is a pro sports town (yes bad pro sports, but pro sports) and college is an afterthought. And a lot of folks were like me and came to the area with loyalties to other schools.

I just wodner who 15 and 16 will be because whenever I look at the B1G logo, I see how easy it will be to switch the G to a 6.

Yost said...

Thanks, 616!

Totally agree, Dennis.

And Phil, love that! I smell another post.

Dennis said...

Looked at the stadium capacities for Maryland (54,000) and Rutgers (52,454.) Combined, and using the posted seating capacity, we would have to turn 4125 folks away. If we used whatever rules we used for Nebraksa this year we would only have to turn away 352 folks. You and PSU would have seats left over, 1047 and 828 respectively.

Drew said...

HA! I'm one of the 1% who actually support this expansion (live near Rutgers, so this means I'll actually be able to see a Michigan game once every few years or so), but this was still hilarious. Well done.