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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Stephen Colbert's Threat Down: College Football Edition

"Nation, I've always been a big fan of Michigan State football coach and scowling man most likely to tell kids to get the hell off his lawn, Mark Dantonio.  His enduring sportsmanship, like getting into public feuds with 21 year old college kids by mocking their height, along with always looking out for the health and best interests of his players, evidenced by holding them out at least two plays when they get an on-field concussion, have made him a role model Spartan fans can be proud of before, during and after the burning of their couches.

Dantonio consistently displays the kind of prune-faced bravado I like to see from the coach of a Big Ten school that hasn't been to the Rose Bowl since the Reagan Administration.  From shepherding players directly from the jail cell to the sidelines if they get released right before a big game, to defining WWE moves as a "clean game" because what happens in the pile stays in the pile.

That's why I applauded Dantonio last April when he was asked about Michigan's resurgence by ESPN.com and replied, 'We're laying in the weeds.  We've beat Michigan the last four years. So where's the threat?'

Unfortunately, last Saturday, Dantonio found out.   Which brings me to threat number one... long-haired kickers and forgotten slot receivers.

Shame on you, Michigan, for getting rid of the coach with the worst three-year record in the history of U-M football which opened the door for Dantonio in the first place, and then adding a defense that didn't also double as a noodle strainer.   Where's the sport in that?

And look at your calendar -- it's 2012 not 1972.  Real teams play games with scores like 45-44.  Win or lose.  It doesn't matter.  It's all about the "O".  They don't grind out 12-10 victories.  BORING.

So get with the times.  Before you go back to beating MSU each and every year and threaten the job status of MSU's Mr. Personality... just as you've done to each and every other Spartan coach for the last 40 plus years."

8 comments:

hendo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
surrounded in columbus said...

awesome

hendo said...

Is this really written by SC? Very funny either way.

The Jaw will probably respond with some snarky clever comment that makes him look really super smart. And tough. On discipline. Err...

Yost said...

Thanks, SiC.

And hendo, that's the biggest compliment of all b/c it was written by yours truly.

Dennis said...

Compliments Yost. I know you wrote it, but when I read it, I hear the words in Stephen's voice, with his candence, tone, pauses and emphasis.

ghp said...

Brilliant! Simply brilliant, Yost...

Ramona said...

You kill me, Yost! VERY humorous.

Yost said...

Thanks for the kind words, all.