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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Nick Saban vs. Mecha-Nick Saban


As a kid, I used to love the old Japanese Godzilla movies (which is why I will never, ever forgive the people behind that shitty-ass remake.  WTF was that?!).  I especially liked Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla.

For those of you who had a deprived childhood, Mechagodzilla (aka Mecha-Godzilla) was Godzilla's robotic doppelganger.  When they battled, it was heartless, fire-breathing evil versus its bionic equal.  Mano-a-Mechanical.

The reason I was thinking of Godzilla today was because I had started writing up a post about Alabama's head football coach, Nick Saban.  Like me, when you think Nick Saban, the first thing that probably comes to mind for you as well is heartless, fire-breathing evil (only with slightly less personality).

So I began free associating some ideas along the "Saban is Godzilla" theme when I  remembered the giant statue of Saban that Alabama had already erected...



And, voila, like that, the spark of an idea was upon me:  Pure, cold-blooded oversigning malevolence vs a metallic rush to deify (because, you know, what could possibly go wrong with putting up a statue of one's head coach while he's still there).

It really is the perfect monster movie.

So who would win such an epic battle of B-movie villainy?  As you know if you've watched such flicks, there isn't just one battle between the two baddies in each film, but many.  In different places, and against different backdrops.  Thus, the MZone breaks down what would happen in the scariest movie of the year...

Nick Saban vs. Mecha-Nick Saban

DESTRUCTIVE POWER

If the 9-foot bronze statue of Mecha-Nick Saban fell over, he'd crush that nearby wall.  But it can probably be fixed in a matter of weeks or days.

When Nick Saban recruits some kid only to abruptly pull his scholarship at the last minute, "grayshirt" him or make him take a medical hardship, these harmful actions leave scars on kids that can last a lifetime.

Advantage:



ON-SCREEN CHARISMA

Nick Saban always looks like a guy getting an enema while in a dental chair having a root canal at the same time.  Even Mark Dantonio has been known to remark, "Man, that dude needs to lighten the fuck up."

Mecha-Nick Saban just looks like the same guy getting only the enema.

Advantage:



BRAVERY IN BATTLE

Being 9 feet tall and made of bronze, Mecha-Nick Saban will not flee when things get tough.

After coaching at MSU and realizing he couldn't rise above Michigan when the playing field was level, Nick Saban fled to conferences where that wouldn't be the case.  Remember these words from Saban after he left MSU?:

"At Michigan State, we were never No. 1," Saban said. "That was always Michigan. It was always U-M this or that."

Advantage:



MOST DESPISED

This one is easy.  Mecha-Nick Saban is loved by pigeons.

Nick Saban is hated by any college football fan who doesn't bleed Crimson and White.

Advantage:


UPDATE:

Rigby did the poster for us!


3 comments:

Dennis said...

Nicely done. Now you just have to go through the rest of your opponents this year and figure out which monster represents each team.

As an aside, the Japanese killed off the American version of Godzilla of which you speak in Godzilla: Final Wars. He fought the “real” Godzilla, the fight lasted about 15 seconds.

JR said...

There is no doubt that Satan is a football genius. But I would submit that his coaching method would only work at bammer. He didn't fit in at LSU because their fans are too nice, too jovial, too "happy drunk" to get his "process". NFL players couldn’t be intimidated or bullied by a sawed off little Nicktator. He needs the complete and total buy in of his fan base and a compliant instate media so everyone will overlook the fact that he is a total dick - and at bammer, he has it. Before he came, the Turd Nation was just a bunch of rudderless inbred idiots in search of a god to replace the one that died. Now Saban has created a cult of personality the likes of which has not been seen since Jonestown. They have bought hook, line and houndstooth sinker into his "Win at Any Cost" mentality, because a successful bammer football program is all they have to cling to in their miserable lives, the one thing that at least temporarily makes them feel superior to the rest of us. They wallow in it. Note that you never see a bammer fan in only one piece of bammer gear. They stand there in their WallMarks brand “Got 13?” t-shirt, plus a crimson/white/houndstooth hat, sunglasses, knock-off Crocs and logoed socks, with a pack of Marlboros in their hand (red pack, of course). On any other fan, that would mean it was Game Day. For a bammer, that means it’s Tuesday.

So, Saban sits high on his throne of skulls and shattered dreams, processing recruits left and right, as he gazes in contempt down on his army of groveling sycophantic losers who are being whipped into a frenzy by his demon minion PAAWWWLLL. For now he is the king. But all it will take is one nasty loss, one failure, one UL Monroe, one UAB – and the natives will grow restless. The rumblings will start in trailer parks and welfare offices all across the state. And if he loses to Auburn twice in a row? Not even Mecha-Saban will be able to save him then. The throne of skulls is none too stable when you have a guaranteed contract with no buyout clause. He will take the money and run. And there will be much rejoicing – by the rest of the college football world.

War Eagle and GO BLUE!!!

phil said...

Saban also possesses Star Wars technology. His best defense is against the NCAA rules committee. (As he barely raises his hand) "These aren't the NCAA violations you are looking for."