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Tuesday, December 06, 2011

University of Illinois Official Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl Email

Many Michigan fans received an email from the Alumni Association and/or the Athletic Department about tickets for Michigan's Sugar Bowl appearance and bowl tour packages.  Pretty exciting stuff.

Of course, not all bowl games are created equal.  In an MZone exclusive, we have obtained the bowl email the University of Illinois sent to its alumni and fans.  You'll notice the excitement level isn't quite the same...

Holy fucking crap!

The University of Illinois football team is just as stunned as you are to find out we were invited to a bowl game.  We're playing in something called the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl on December 31 against the only team in America less deserving than the Illini, the 6-7 UCLA Bruins (I know, right?).  And as embarrassing as this is for all involved, we're actually required to send out this email inviting you to join the Fighting Illini as our interim head coach faces off against their interim head coach in a bowl game so absolutely unnecessary even hunger is ashamed to be associated with it.

You may purchase bowl tickets (limit of 14,000) for $25 -- Box Endzone (Note: the box is to be placed over your head to hide your identity just in case any TV cameras point your way), $50 -- Sideline View (of the other seven people in your section lonely enough to be spending New Year's Eve at this cripple fight), or $75 -- Club (as in you're in a special club of not very smart people who paid $75 bucks to see a team on a 6 game losing streak face off against a team that actually has a losing record).  There is also a special Family Plan Ticket Package.  Bring the family to the game and, for $40, get 4 tickets, 4 hot dogs, 4 sodas, 2 game programs and a free evaluation by a trained medical professional curious to know why you hate your family so much.

Ticket sales begin Tuesday, December 6 at 8:30 a.m. (with the office pool over/under on when the first call actually comes in now hovering around 4 p.m. -- on December 27th).  To order tickets, visit www.lookatthepileofdogshitRonZookleftbehind.net or call the Illini ticket office at 1-877-HOW-HUMILIATING.  As an incentive, a raffle will be held at halftime of the game in which the winner will get an immediate interview for the head coaching vacancy at either of the game's participating schools.

Travel packages are also available.  Each includes hotel accommodations, game tickets, and ground transportation to San Francisco's AT&T Park on game day (although this fiasco is such a crime it should be held on Alcatraz).  Be sure to also ask about attending our Official University of Illinois Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl Tailgate!  But don't delay as we only reserved a four-top at IHOP for this humdinger.

Let's paint the town orange and blue! (or, short of that, see if we can get at least one dude to show up wearing orange and another in blue)

(no, it's not a live link as we don't think such a radical move is either warranted or necessary)


phil said...

OK Yost, go ahead and make fun of this Bowl but think about this you sanctimonious ass..where the hell would this world be without Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. mmmmm...that cheese.......mixed in with delicious macaroni. Heat up that water, mix in 7 boxes, boil and then mix that heavenly cheese into the macaroni. Find the largest soup spoon in the drawer and shovel that prize in your mouth as fast as possible. Tell me you don't dream about that at night. Well, go ahead and make fun. I'm watching that game just for the commercials. Sorry about calling you an ass, but I get emotional when cheese is mixed with macaroni.
While I'm her, let me just post this recipe:
• 1 (14 ounce) package Kraft macaroni and cheese (dinner, blue box)
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 1/4 teaspoon ground red pepper or 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 6 butter flavored crackers, crushed (like Ritz)
• 1 tablespoon butter or 1 tablespoon margarine, melted
Preheat oven to 375°F. Prepare Mac n Cheese dinner as directed on package.
Stir in 1/2 cup of the Cheddar cheese, the sour cream and pepper.
Spoon into greased 1-1/2 quart baking dish; sprinkle with remaining 1/2 cup Cheddar cheese.
Combine the melted butter and cracker crumbs and sprinkle over the top.
Bake at 375 for 20 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes before serving.

surrounded in columbus said...

when i read the post, i thought it was the funniest thing i'd seen since i saw Urban Meyer's "Member's Only" Wardrobe.

then i read Phil's comment, and i'm not sure which is better.

gold, gentlemen. gold.

GoBlueBob said...

I think I will fight hunger by making this recipe just before this game and eat the entire thing myself while watching it, just like in Phil's dream. At least this will give some purpose to that time spent in front of the tv. I am also thinking about how I could make this in advance and take it to our tailgates next fall.

Mikoyan said...

What I would like to know is how does a team with a losing record get into a bowl game? Or is the only requirement that they have 6 wins?

GoBlueBob said...

Mik... it must be just 6 wins which means they were .500 in the regular season. The seventh loss in the Pac 12 chumpionship game must not make a difference other than dropping a team in the rankings (like msu).

This game is a great example of how diluted the entire bowl concept has become and when you add it to all the new names that include the sponsors it is easy to see that these are all about the advertising and money and very little to do with the quality of the actual football game.

VictoryForMSU said...

I haven't looked, but what other teams were available that would have ANY draw?

Yost said...


UCLA asked for and got a waiver from the NCAA before the PAC 12 title game allowing them to be "bowl eligible" if they lost that game (they did) and had a losing record (they do).

GoBlueBob said...

And if USC hadn't cheated they would have played in the PAC 12 championship game and UCLA would have been 6-6 and still bowl eligible. We may all be surprised and this may end up to be an exciting game. Who knows????

wingedhelmet said...


Thank you for the recipe. I however am saving it for MSU's bowl game because we all know that Cheese goes so well with Whine!

No Sparty!


Bigasshammm said...

Seems to me the argument that a playoff system would take away from the current bowl system is crap. I've never been a supporter of a 6-6 team playing in a bowl. In a 12 game season you should have to win 7 games to be bowl eligible. 6 if you only play 11 games. Conference championships shouldn't count towards eligibility but they definitely can effect what bowl you go to. That would free up plenty of smaller bowls that would die to host a playoff game.

On another note how the hell long does it take to say what the sanctions against Ohio are going to be? Is this the NCAA just taking forever till everyone just forgets about it and nothing happens?

VictoryForMSU said...

I took a minute to look up the answer to my earlier question. The only two bowl eligible teams not to be selected for a bowl were Western Kentucky and Ball State. I'd take my money making chances with UCLA and Illinois over those two anyday.

Mikoyan said...

I would rather see Ball State than UCLA, but I guess that's just me.

GoBlueBob said...

There is still time to set up another bowl game for Western Kentucky and Ball State. They could play it at Indiana since they are not using their stadium anyway and it would be close to both schools. It could be called the Participation Bowl like they do with some kids sports now where everyone gets a "participation" trophy. After all, we would not want these two teams to feel slighted by being eligible and not getting to go to a bowl game. I am sure they could find someone to sponser it. It might be cold with terrible weather but what do you expect if you are the last two teams to make a bowl.

GoBlueBob said...

I just had another thought about this situation with Western Kentucky and Ball State. I knew there were lots of teams that played in bowl games but I guess I did not realize that it was almost everyone who is eligible. I was wondering what would happen if these thirty five bowl games were all scheduled and planned and then there were only 68 or 69 teams who were eligible and they were one or two teams short? I am not even sure mathimatically how that would work or if it is even possible but this possibility had me wondering.

CaliGirl said...

This made my day, I laughed so hard. Thanks guys!

Andrew said...


Mikoyan said...

Part of me remembers when getting to a bowl game meant something other than, "Well you have a winning record and you're from one of the annointed conferences...so you get to go a bowl game". I mean at one time it was either go to the Rose Bowl or stay home over the holidays. Or in the case of the MAC, go to the California Bowl or stay home. Heck, now you have 5 MAC teams in Bowls (which makes the EMU losses to Ball State and Kent State that much more stinging). It doesn't seem like as much of a reward now and more of a money grab especially when you consider many of these lower tier bowls have guaranteed ticket sales and if those are sold, the school has to eat the cost.

And don't even get me started about the mess at the top.

Pam said...


Does anyone find this incredibly ironic? FORBES is complaining that PROFITS play a role in BCS bowl selection?

James said...

Epic. And what's this about Urban Meyer and a Members Only wardrobe? This I have to see...

VictoryForMSU said...

I might be mistaken, but one of the key points in accepting a bowl game invitation is to have the opportunity to keep practicing. When the season is over, live practices cease.
Going to a bowl game allows additional preparation for next year, lets your younger guys get more practice time, etc. You would be foolish not to accept a bowl game invitation for that reason alone.
One of the reasons for bowl game proliferation may also be to allow all schools that finish decently to have additional practice time (although those that don't make bowl games probably need it more). Anyway, I'd rather watch college football than the NBA over the holidays.

A2saint said...

Then there is this...

I've watched this a time or two and still can't figure out what the little poster behind the girl says about Michigan...

Danimal said...

I married an Illini. You made my day.