Of course, not all bowl games are created equal. In an MZone exclusive, we have obtained the bowl email the University of Illinois sent to its alumni and fans. You'll notice the excitement level isn't quite the same...
Holy fucking crap!
The University of Illinois football team is just as stunned as you are to find out we were invited to a bowl game. We're playing in something called the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl on December 31 against the only team in America less deserving than the Illini, the 6-7 UCLA Bruins (I know, right?). And as embarrassing as this is for all involved, we're actually required to send out this email inviting you to join the Fighting Illini as our interim head coach faces off against their interim head coach in a bowl game so absolutely unnecessary even hunger is ashamed to be associated with it.
You may purchase bowl tickets (limit of 14,000) for $25 -- Box Endzone (Note: the box is to be placed over your head to hide your identity just in case any TV cameras point your way), $50 -- Sideline View (of the other seven people in your section lonely enough to be spending New Year's Eve at this cripple fight), or $75 -- Club (as in you're in a special club of not very smart people who paid $75 bucks to see a team on a 6 game losing streak face off against a team that actually has a losing record). There is also a special Family Plan Ticket Package. Bring the family to the game and, for $40, get 4 tickets, 4 hot dogs, 4 sodas, 2 game programs and a free evaluation by a trained medical professional curious to know why you hate your family so much.
Ticket sales begin Tuesday, December 6 at 8:30 a.m. (with the office pool over/under on when the first call actually comes in now hovering around 4 p.m. -- on December 27th). To order tickets, visit www.lookatthepileofdogshitRonZookleftbehind.net or call the Illini ticket office at 1-877-HOW-HUMILIATING. As an incentive, a raffle will be held at halftime of the game in which the winner will get an immediate interview for the head coaching vacancy at either of the game's participating schools.
Travel packages are also available. Each includes hotel accommodations, game tickets, and ground transportation to San Francisco's AT&T Park on game day (although this fiasco is such a crime it should be held on Alcatraz). Be sure to also ask about attending our Official University of Illinois Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl Tailgate! But don't delay as we only reserved a four-top at IHOP for this humdinger.
Let's paint the town orange and blue! (or, short of that, see if we can get at least one dude to show up wearing orange and another in blue)