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Friday, November 25, 2011

Know Your Foe -- That School in Ohio 2011

You know what I hate most about college football?  How fast the damn season goes.  I wait all year for it to start and then it's over in the blink of an eye.  But you know what I love best about college football?  Meeeeechigan vs Ohio State.  The Wolverines vs the Buckeyes.  Good vs Evil (I mean real, honest-to-god evil, not Pop Evil). 

Tomorrow marks the 108th edition of The Game.  And, even after the The Dark Period we just endured and The Streak which we're still suffering through, Michigan holds a 57-44-6 advantage.  But that you know, what you didn't know about the angry mob of f-bomb aficionados from that school in Ohio is found below in the final regular season edition of Know Your Foe.

Ed Note: After Thanksgiving and family, I started and finished KYF waaaaay too late.  Please forgive any typos.  I'm too tired to re-read before passing out of exhaustion.

History - The school was founded as THE Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College in 1870 as a land grant institution.  Later that year, the first group of 24 students, including three women, started attending classes (while probably wearing "Fuck Michigan" shirts).  Like most land-grant schools of the era, an internal battle was fought to determine the mission of the school. On one side was the "narrow gauge" crowd, looking to teach subjects strictly related to agriculture and mechanical functions. On the other side was the "broad gauge" crowd looking for a more diversified curriculum that included liberal arts and sciences. As was the case in almost all of these land grant battles, the “broad gauge” side eventually won. In 1878, in light of an expanded focus, the college permanently changed its name to Ohio State University.

But that wasn't the only battle for OSU, because the school was also under fire from other schools within the state of Ohio. Both Miami University and Ohio University were considered more prestigious institutions at the time -- and they were justifiably upset to not be selected as THE state university and the recipient of government allocations. Former U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes lobbied hard for monies for Tosu, mocked the other schools, and basically browbeat the state legislature to give the new institution a prominent position above Miami and OU. In the end, the state legislature settled the issue by declaring Ohio State as the only school that would be allowed to offer doctoral degrees. Miami and Ohio would be limited to Bachelor and Masters Programs.  This also established the proud Tosu trend of bullies named Hayes bringing their school glory.

Location - Columbus, Ohio.  The city - named after the lost explorer - is the capitol and largest in the state of Ohio. Many folks are surprised to learn that C-bus is the biggest because the cities of Cleveland and Cincinnati are more well known, home to major league sports teams and not the center of evil in the known universe.  According to Benny's 2007 KYF, Columbus has kept its largest city in Ohio title by bullying the few surrounding suburbs into annexation in exchange for sewer and water service that the city controls.

Nickname -  The Buckeye is the official state tree and a creative term of endearment for the pioneers on the Ohio frontier.  Apparently, one of the first acts of the original settlers was to cut one of these stinky trees down and somehow this led to calling themselves buckeyes since. The leaves appear in a five-leaf cluster, and the fruit (nut) resembles the eye of a deer, thus the name: buck-eye.  It’s poisonous to humans, horses, cattle, and coaches as it apparently causes them to punch opposing players and lie to the NCAA.

Coincidentally, there is a city in the U.S. named Buckeye, though it's in Arizona, not Ohio.

Mascot - In 1965, Ohio State students Ray Bourhis and Sally Huber decided Ohio State needed a “game day” mascot and persuaded the athletic council to study the matter. At the time, mascots were commonly live animals brought into the stadium or arena. A buck deer was contemplated but that idea was eventually rejected given the impossible logistics of keeping a deer calm in a large crowd (even a deer can only hear so many f-bombs before losing its shit).

Instead, they went with a 40-pound paper-maché buckeye nut which was worn over the head and torso, with legs sticking out.  They named him Brutus Buckeye. He made its initial appearance at the 1965 homecoming football game against Minnesota. The heavy costume did not last long and it was soon replaced by a more permanent and durable fiberglass shell. Sometime during the 1970’s they added a baseball cap to the bucknut with limbs. Today Brutus looks like something out of a muppet nightmare, frightens anyone he comes in contact with, angers other mascots into an uncontrollable rage and causes still others to do this on YouTube.

Thing Atop A Fast Foot Restaurant Brutus...Lonely Brutus...Asshole Frat Guy Brutus

Colors - Scarlet and Gray. The official colors were selected by three students in 1878. The reasoning for the combination was that they were a “pleasing combination” and weren’t being used by any other college. The original selection of orange and black was shot down when the students discovered that Princeton used those colors. This was the closest Ohio State has ever come to being confused with Princeton.

Logo/Helmet - The primary athletic Ohio State logo from 1957 to 1987 was a simple, yet enduring block “O”. Since 1987 they have added a more modern “Ohio State” arched through the middle. They have a ton of secondary logos, the most common combining the classic “O” with a buckeye leaf and nut.

One should be careful, however, not to confuse the official school logo with their now-more-well-know logo, The Buckstache.


Normally, the Buckeye's have their distinctive silver bullet helmet design.  It had been unchanged since 1968 until Nike got involved and OSU whored-out The Game with "special" and "Pro-Combat" uniforms the last couple years.  Thankfully, they'll be returning to tradition tomorrow.  They also love to award their little pot-leaf Buckeye Leaf helmet stickers.  The design was "originally drawn in 1950 by alum and comic strip artist Milton Caniff and was intended to represent the buckeye tree as a symbol for strength and sturdiness of all Ohio State students.  The first Buckeye leaf decal appeared on the helmets of the 1967 OSU football team and are still given to players today for execution of an exceptional play on the field." They're now trademarked by the school.

Fight Song - In 1915, OSU student William A. Dougherty, Jr., set out to write the perfect fight song for his school. Dougherty felt that something more exciting was needed for pep rallies and football games than the sad melancholy Carmen Ohio (which sounds like something the students would sing in Dead Poets Society).  Thus, Across the Field was born.  It debuted on October 16, 1915 against Illinois and has not stopped playing since (although it is important to note that they had to wait another 4 years before they could play it during a win against Michigan).

While this is the main fight song, Buckeye Battle Cry is played after touchdowns (meaning Tosu fans haven't heard it a lot this season).  Fan favorite Hang on Sloopy (NOT Snoopy) is played every home game and no mention of anything to do with the Ohio State music would be complete without a mention of Script O-lie-o Ohio in which their marching band boldly steps onto the field and performs a move they initially learned from the Michigan Marching Band.

As much as it pains me to say it, I think OSU's fight song and Battle Cry are top notch.  And if you've ever been in the 'Shoe when Hang on Sloopy plays, it's pretty darn cool.  Okay, enough compliments.  Let's take a look at OSU academics.

So there's that
Academics - According to the latest U.S. News & World Report rankings, OSU is #55, tied with Pepperdine and U of M (puh-LEASE:  Maryland) and their acceptance rate is 68%.  But they did rank 8th in U.S. News' "Up and Coming" colleges section, tied with Ball State and a notch ahead of Biola University.  So from everybody here at the MZone, congrats and good luck with that, OSU! 

Athletics - Few schools have the athletic tradition of Ohio State. They currently field 36 varsity teams and are one of only three universities (Michigan and Cal-Berkeley being the others) to have won national championships in the big three sports (football, men's basketball, and baseball).

In 2007, Sports Illustrated nicknamed Ohio State's athletic program as being "The Program" due to the unsurpassed facilities, unparalleled amount of men's and women's sport teams, their success, and the financial support of an impressive fan base."  Gee, after The Downfall, I wonder if they'd still say today?  

Exceptional former athletes at Ohio State include Olympic Gold Medalist and Dude Who Made Hitler Eat Crow Jesse Owens, NBA greats John Havlicek and Jerry Lucas, college basketball coaching legend and chair-thrower Bobby Knight, and golf superstar Jack Nicklaus (attended, did not graduate).

Football - It is in football that most people recognize and associate Ohio State. They’ve won five recognized national championships, including most recently the 2002 crown. They’ve won 34 Big Ten titles (a number I didn't have to update after last years KYF due to their season being wiped away). They have a combined seven Heisman Trophies including the only two-time winner: Archie Griffin in 1974 and 1975.  They have produced many NFL stars and college and pro football Hall of Famers. Famous names you might recognize include Jim Otis, Jack Tatum, Eddie George, Chris Spielman, Orlando Pace, and Cris Carter. Recent NFL first round draft picks include Chris "Beanie" Wells, Malcom Jenkins, Vernon Gholston, Anthony Gonzales, and Teddy Ginn Jr.

However, Ohio State is football probably most well known as a place that once-great coaches eventually are forced out in disgrace.  The two most iconic coaches in the school's history met such a fate: Woody Hayes for punching a Clemson football player after he intercepted Art Schlichter;  and Jim Tressel who "forgot" to tell his bosses, oh, 642 times about his players associating with shady characters, selling merchandise and lying to the NCAA.


Famous Alums - As you would expect, Ohio State has a long and somewhat impressive list of famous alums. They have many successful CEOs and political leaders. They have produced two Nobel Peace prize winners and have accumulated 10 Pulitzers. Recognizable names include former UofM President Harlan Hatcher, Tuskegee Airmen Squadron Commander Harold Brown, WWII Medal of Honor winner Robert Scott, Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center co-founder Charles Kettering, Goosebumps author RL Stine, Windex inventor Harry Drackett, Shoney’s founder Alex Schoenbaum, ESPN SportsCenter director Vince Doria, Actress Patricia Heaton, annoying comedian Richard Lewis, Rascal Flatts lead singer Gary LeVox, Ric Ocasek from The Cars, country singer Dwight Yoakim, Baseball Hall of Fame sportscaster Jack Buck, and the co-founder of Wikipedia Larry Sanger. They also provided an education to serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. By far the most humorous and ironic name I find on this list is Teflon inventor Roy Plunkett which is probably why it took so long for folks to finally realize the truth about Tressel.

As much as Michigan fans don't want to admit it, Bo Schembechler has a graduate degree from Ohio State. From his coaching days under Woody, he also has a pair of those little gold-pants charms they give out for beating Michigan but never tried to sell his on eBay.

KYF counted at least four NASA astronauts, there may be more. And although the state of Ohio has produced eight US Presidents (William Henry Harrison, Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, James A Garfield, Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley, William Howard Taft, and Warren Harding) -- none of them attended or graduated from Ohio State.  But they are an "Up and Coming" school.  So who knows what the future holds.

The Game - The stakes in this game are huge...for Michigan. The pressure is all on U-M since they haven't beaten OSU since 2003* and this year's Buckeye squad is, frankly, not that good.  The feeling by many is, if not now, when?  Ohio State's offense is currently ranked 108th in the country.  Basically, their offense is where Michigan's defense was last year.  They're starting a freshman QB and are led by a soon-to-be-replaced coach.  The odds couldn't be any more in Michigan's favor...which scares the hell out of me.  Pre-The Dark Period, I wouldn't be that worried.  But the albatross of The Streak makes the biggest obstacle to victory, I believe, mental.  Plus, it's The Game.  Anything can happen.

But not tomorrow.  Not in The Big House.  Not with Team 132.  I think it'll be close - closer than we'd like, hope for or expect - but they have nothing to lose.  Yet lose they will.

Michigan - 24
Ohio State - 17

10 comments:

616goblue said...

A football friday would not be complete without Know Your Foe.

Can't wait until kickoff tomorrow!

Hail.

phil said...

I have to admit that your KYF is better than what I put together. But at least I tried.
Tuos:
History – its history sucks
Location – its location sucks
Nickname – its nickname sucks
Mascot – its mascot sucks
Fight song – it sucks
Famous alumni - Tyrelle Pryor, Art Schlichter

hs8bern said...

phil, wow if thats trying do yourself a favor next time and don't!
B- Buffons
U-Usless
C-Candy-asses
K-Kurwa- Polish for whore!
E-Enma bags
Y-Yutz's
E-Excerebrose – brainless; having no brain
S-Scumbags
Dam it!looking at my list you seem like a genius compared to me:(
Oh well not like I have not emmbarrased myself on these fine pages before.
In closing as a TOSU fan this pains me to say "GO WOLVERINES"
beat them down and teach them what you do to cheaters.
Hopefully the the fall out will cause the rest of those snakes to be cleared out of my beloved college and I can go back to loving them and wearing there apperal(really don't own much,waste of $$$)

Dennis said...

Very nicely done, Yost.

I think you should win. I don't think our defense is as good as some say. Or it isn't consistent. We shut down PSU in the second half, but the damage was done, same with Miami. We let Nebraska come back. We let Wisconsin come back, but managed to win anyhow. Our defense can't seem to play 60 minutes and you guys have too much talent to not play the whole game.

Our best hope is Robinson makes a bad throw early, we get an early lead and get the idea into your heads of "Here we go again" and in our heads, "Hey, we can beat these guys."

I think if we played 10 games you would win 8 or 9 of them.

In those 8 or 9 games:

Michigan 31 (Denard runs for one TD, throws for another and Toussaint has a Biakabutuka-lite game, somewhere around 200 yards and a couple TDs.)
OSU 17 (we have one good drive, one somewhat fluky score on special teams or a Miller scramble, but just not enough consistent offense.)

In the alternate universe where bad breaks go our way early.

OSU 22 (5 FGs and a pick six or very short field TD)
Michigan 20 (Failed 2 pt conversion late to try to tie. And to make matter worse probably failed due to an unflagged PI.)

I keep thinking even if they haven't announced Meyer, this team might just get their act together, much like Earle Bruce's last team did. But then I remember, PSU, Purdue, Nebraska, Wisconsin and Miami and I think, probably not.

Man, I wish it was noon on Saturday already. Here is to a competitive game.

Mikoyan said...

You forgot to mention Curtis LeMay who took his experience of burning High Street to a larger scale.

bigGexpress said...

@Phil
If I had just read your comment first it would have saved me a lot of time. Thanks!

Ramona said...

Excellent KYF and I don't yet feel the letdown after the regular season ends.. too much to look forward tomorrow. Brady isn't going to let this team get complacent, and he has demonstrated he can change things up to adapt AS THE GAME GOES ON,to his team's strengths and weaknesses.
Oh yeah and PILE the Score!
Michigan 55 OSU 10

JamesD'Troy said...

All well and good, and a fine 'Know Your Foe', but when I read the bit that Sports Illustrated named tOSU as 'The Program' it forced me to raise an eyebrow-the only one I've got left after the turkey roaster incident yesterday. Firstly, I always thought FUCLA, Stanford, and USC all have more national championships. Way more.

So curious as to the Buckeye's newly pronounced athletic prowess, I looked into the matter and discovered SI's proclamation is TRUE!!! Apparently, the Ohio State University in many things but THE dominant national powerhouse in...wait for it...

competitive women's synchronized swimming.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Competitive women's synchronized swimming.

25 national championships in all-tOSU has.

John Wooden, eat your heart out.

Simply breathtaking.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry knowing that national championships are being handed out for Esther Williams aquatic follies and extravaganza's-see link below. That and that to become a women's competitive synchronzied swimmer all roads lead to C-Bus.

Now, for your viewing pleasure, the inspiration for tOSU's women's synchronized swimmers, Esther Williams;
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7bn7c_final-du-bal-des-sirenes-avec-esthe_shortfilms

Geez, beat the crap out these ba$tards. If the Suckeye's end up hiring Urban Liar, beat them even more.

BuckeyeRob said...

I always enjoy your comical hatred toward my Buckeyes. I find it difficult to get angry at your comments because well, you're funny. If we are to win this game it will be because of Ryan Shazier making plays and Simon and Hankins causing problems in the backfield. As much as I enjoy beating UM lately, the B1G is better with UM near the top. Good luck tomorrow.

Yost said...

Thanks, Rob (and to all our friends from Tsio) for reading!