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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Guest Post by Stephen Colbert: Matt Millen proves he's still a football genius

I knew we had a following here on the MZone.  But I had no idea how big it was until I got a request from Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert to do a guest post.  Wow.  We're honored and humbled.  Take it away, Stephen...

STEPHEN COLBERT:  "Thank you, Yost.  Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, Matt Millen's eight-year tenure with the Detroit Lions led to the worst eight-year record in the history of the modern NFL at 31-97. At least that's one way to look at it if you want to focus only on the negative. 

I prefer the to look at the positive.  I mean, if the man didn't know football, would he get hired by ESPN?  So when Millen speaks, I think we should all pay pretty close attention and drink from the Gatorade bottle of genius.  Like this week when he talked with Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbsteit about William Gholston's actions during the Michigan-Michigan State game.  Jimmy, roll the tape..."

STEPHEN COLBERT: "Yes.  Millen's right.  That stuff happens. Cold cocking a dude in the face and trying to break a guy's neck is just young exuberance.  Gholston was a little bit fired up.  We've all been there.  Remember in your youth, that first job out of college?  You had a great day at work, but waiting at the elevator to go home, Judy from Human Resources pushes the "up" button instead of the "down" button by mistake -- so you punched her in the jaw.  Young exuberance.  Or that time in the break room, when you saw Steve from Accounting going through your lunch bag -- pure instinct made you grab him in a headlock and try to crack a vertebrae or two.  You were simply fired up.

And as Millen pointed out, Gholston's a heck of a football player.  People are only singling him out because he's good.  We all know if he sucked, we'd just suspend him without even having this discussion.  Where's the due process in that, America?

Folks, as the old adage goes, when it comes to football -- listen to Matt Millen.  The Lions did.  If they didn't, they wouldn't have sucked so bad as to be able to have enough high draft picks to choose 642 receivers over a three year period until they got it right with Calvin Johnson.

Plus, if you suspend Gholston here, you're just going to have to start enforcing all the rules.  And if you can't catch them all, I agree with Millen: don't enforce any of them.   It's part of the game.  Like stabbings and carjackings are part of city life.   In fact, I don't even know why we bother arresting anybody because that shit happens every night in every city.  All or nothing, people.

And you heard Millen -- he had it done to him.  Which makes it alright.  That's why he's laughing throughout the entire clip.  Because punching someone in the head and trying to paralyze another human being is funny if it's done on a football field.  So c'mon, Nation.  Get a football clue.  Listen to Matt Millen."

UPDATE: Sadly, the Big Ten did not listen to the Mr. Football, Matt Millen, and suspended Gholston for one game -- Saturday's showdown with Wisco. No word yet if this "completes" MSU's investigation into the incident or they're still searching for their game tapes.


Dennis said...

Hey! Steve from accounting got what was coming to him. I work hard all summer long to get good heirloom tomatoes for my BLT and I'm not letting some snot nosed intern, even if he works in accounting, steal my sandwich.

He never stole from another person's lunch ever again. Granted that probably had to do with the fact that he is on permanent disability, the dirty little faker, but he stopped stealing lunches, at least.

And really isn't that what poor Tom, I mean Vernon, I mean William Gholston was trying to do with Denard? He was just trying to find a way to keep him from stealing points from the MSU defense.

DrCatie said...

You hit it on the head....if he wasn't a good player, he would have been suspended. That shit makes me crazy. My nephew is a ND fan. During the ND game we had a little pissing match going on facebook (he is stationed in Hawaii). Michael Floyd was playing havoc with us, so I mentioned the fact that he had 3 DUI's and yet is still playing, while Stonum has one and is suspended for the year. (Floyd did get suspended from March until August...never missing a game) My nephews response? Teams don't suspend good players, they find a way around it. If Denard got a DUI we wouldn't suspend him. I said, there is the difference, Denard wouldn't get a DUI , 1) because he knows the consequences and 2) at Michigan part of being on the team is learning how to be a great leader, not how to get away with breaking the rules.

I wish they would look at the entire tape, I bet they would find MORE violations AND I bet they would find very little if none of our players responding, they played with dignity and took the beating. (which I do think played in the outcome of that game). They even admitted it (I am just glad they didn't call it on every down). Even more unbelievable.....or is it believeable that Dantonio sticks to his story that they played a clean game.......he is just as delusional as tOSU AD and President. GAH!

DrCatie said...


phil said...

I think Matt Millen is being misunderstood here. What he is really saying is "i've been hit in the head so many times without my helmet on that I'm Cuckoo for CocoaPuffs."

Reed said...

I really liked when Fowler said "You're out of your mind." That made the whole thing worth it.

CaliGirl said...

Is anyone else getting tired of the thug mentality in (all)sports??? "I'm fired up so I am just going to beat the living $h!@ out of you for no reason." It gets old. BUT why shouldn't they do this? What/who will stop them? There doesn't ever seem to be any consequences for their actions...especially if they are good players.

I feel sorry for my daughter (and future kids), they will KNOW the difference between right and wrong. God forbid one of them EVER behaves in this manner. I'm SICK of it!

CaliGirl said...

@Reed, Phil & Dennis: haha Hilarious!

Yost said...

I do agree, CG! It's out of hand.

Mikoyan said...

How the hell doesn't asshole have a job doing anything remotely football related? I mean 0-16 is like the pinnacle of incompetence. Gah. I'm convinced that ABC is still bitter when Coleman told them where they can go and what they can do when they get there.

Mikoyan said...

Is there going to be a know your foe for Brigham Young Engineering?

Ramona said...

First of all, thanks for a great column, they never stop! I did have to pause the tape where Millen was saying he has had it done to him. While I have no problem believing he has been hit in, or maybe dropped on, his head a few many times, I am beyond outraged at the justification he puts forth for what stopped being football and became felonious assault. By Millen's "reasoning", why not get rid of all the rules and just let violence take over. In 1910 President Roosevelt issued a mandate that helmets must be worn in college football because the death rate had become unacceptable and prior to that it was considered sissy to wear helmets. Congrats Millen on being such a backwards oaf.