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Thursday, August 04, 2011

New MZone Feature: Ask a Buckeye

This is an idea I've had for a long time.  Don't know if it's a good one or a bad one, but let's give it a shot...

As many of our regular readers know, we have a large and faithful Buckeye readership.  For those that appreciate the humor and don't take us seriously, thanks for reading.  For those that post the crude remarks and are pissed and shocked - shocked! - that our biggest rival is regularly poked fun at on a humor-centric Michigan site, blow me.  That would be akin to me going over to Gerd at the Ozone and bitching about their reportage on the Wolverines.

In any event, a new Buckeye has been lurking among us, the mysteriously named, "Ex."  After an exchange of emails, Sir Ex has volunteered to be the Voice of Buckeye Nation Unincorporated Township here on the MZone by answering all those burning questions you've always had about Tosu*, its fans and C-bus.  Such as (and speaking of burning):

* Why the love of setting fires after a Michigan victory/loss/any day in November?
* What is the story behind the Buckstache?
* What's with all the "Fuck Michigan" shirts and are they worn to weddings?
* Do you really think Tosu* fans are treated the same in A2 as U-M fans are treated in C-bus?

And many more.

Now, before I agreed to let Ex hold this cherished position here at the MZone, I put him through a rigorous vetting process.

1) He was forced to sign an affidavit swearing that he's never thrown anything (including his fists) at a Michigan fan either in Columbus or on any visits to Ann Arbor (I did not, however, ask him if he's ever thrown any F-bombs since I assume that would disqualify all Buckeye fans).

2) Since he uses words like "adjudicate" in his comments on the site, he had to prove that he indeed knew what the word meant and wasn't simply relying on Google.

3) He had to promise that he's never rocked a Buckstache.

With the above all answered to my satisfaction - and in the spirit of "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" - let's give this a try. 

So leave your questions here or email them to us at the MZone (addy on the left below the masthead).


surrounded in columbus said...

so, is this the kind of question you were looking for-

Since Clarett took money & cars, and Troy Smith took money & airplane rides, and Santonio Holmes was being paid by an agent while on campus, and tosu football players had over 30 arrests over a decade, including multiple felonies, and since HC Sweaterboy was cited for multiple minor infractions by his own ADs, from his very first year on the job, and how he was rated by those same ADs as being “unsatisfactory” in complying w/ NCAA rules, and that he never required his players to completely fill out the required forms supplied by tosu’s own compliance department for the purposes of tracking player vehicles, and now we know that he had specific knowledge of at least 5 players who were receiving illicit benefits, and Sweaterboy not only failed to report it, but then lied to the NCAA about know multiple times,

How is it that tosu fans consider this one incident (failing to report Pryor & others) to be “isolated” and “unrelated” to any of the other incidents over the last decade, and not to reflect upon, or cause anyone to reconsider, the significance of the steady stream of documented problems starting in 2001? I understand that the 2003 era investigation did not conclude that Sweaterboy knew Clarett was receiving benefits (though he admitted he noticed Clarett driving a Lexus & living off campus as a freshman), and that the 2005 era investigation did not conclude that Sweaterboy knew Troy Smith received cash from a booster (though he admitted that it was he who had sent Smith to meet w/ the booster, ostensibly to apply for a job).

So seriously, after everything that happened at YSU, Clarett, Smith, Pryor & Co., and all of the other documented arrests and minor violations, how can you say w/ a straight face that they are all unconnected, all coincidental, and not emblematic of how Tre$$el ran his program, starting in 2001 when Andy Geiger first cited him for illegally giving a recruit a jersey while on a campus tour?

Because, next time I’m having supper at Bob Evans, I’d like to know the answer to it before I order my Farmer’s Omelet.

phil said...

Yost, it is cutting-edge ideas like this (and healing pictures) that keeps bringing me back to your site. Your genius really keeps me on my toes, so I will try to ask pertinent and intelligent questions. Question for Ex: Is it true that tUOS Coach John Wilce started a secret Buckeye society in 1919? The secret organization adopted a mosaicesque law that involved a “cleansing of the blood” ritual where football “assistant coaches” were responsible for deflowering all the virgins at tUOS before they reached their Junior year. Woody Hayes became the "Sixth Messenger" and was responsible for the book called “Forever Cheat and Lie.” Today, The book and Jim Tressel both live underground beneath the Shoe in hidden chambers where cult animal sacrifices still take place along with voodoo rituals using old Michigan tackling dummies.

surrounded in columbus said...

phil- that is SO much better than my question

Yost said...

Okay, uh...good start? lol

phil said...

thanks sic. Connie Chung and I both took the same journalism class.

Adam said...

I like this feature. I'm just a google reader creeper and have never posted here before, but will do so for these posts.

Ex - Why (and I swear I'm not flamebaiting) do Buckeye fans deny script Ohio was first done by the Michigan marching band whenever I bring it up with them?

Ex said...

This a wide variety of questions and each one terrifies me in its own way.

John said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John said...

Ex -

What kind of donuts do you prefer to throw at Michigan fans in Columbus, Powder or Glazed? What are the benefits of each?

Yost said...

LOL, John. VERY good memory.

carl tabb said...

Ex, when you and your tailgatemates poop in coolers do you prefer the rolling kind for ease of transportation or the "midget casket" for its sheer capacity?

Mikoyan said...

Is it true that Woody Hayes once said before a Michigan game that the Oletangy River will be flowing with the blood of those infidels North of Toledo and we will use their bones to expand the 'Shoe?

Dennis said...

I'll bite or ditch Ex. A little verbose so this response will be in two parts.

First, some background. Born in 1970, grew up in Columbus, about 5 miles north of OSU. Met my wife at Ohio State. Between the two of us we have five degrees from there. Lived in DC from 1998-2006 before we returned to Central Ohio because of health issues my wife has. I have often said my years in exile (DC) gave me a more nuanced view of Ohio State. I also worked closely with a guy from 2002 until we moved back who grew up in Ann Arbor and was a big Michigan fan. He found your site in response to stuff I would send him from the Ozone. So I have been lurking here for many years, but only started posting about 6 months ago, mainly because I wanted some advice for places to go in A2 when I was coming to town with my older son, who is 8 and who was competing at Cliff Keen Arena.

As for the vetting...

1) No. I don't think I ever threw any f-bombs at Michigan fans either. My parents taught me that we are to respect our opponents and they believed you did not even boo them, you just cheered louder for your own team. I am trying to instill that in my older son and will do the same when the younger one is old enough.

2) Not sure about this one. SiC is convinced I don't know what irony means.

3) Usually clean shaven. Beard twice. The second one is the current one and I will shave it off when my younger son can finally come home from the hospital.

Now to the questions.

1. We just aren't as used to the cold as you guys are and we get chilled at the game and need to warm up. Seriously, a lot of it is non-students, but a lot of it is complacency. Small things were ignored over the years and so if there was no push back, folks pushed harder. By the time it became a more serious problem; some folks were used to it and expected it. It became "tradition."

2. It really isn't a mustache but an organism created by the University of Michigan and the Dharma Imitative that attaches to the upper lip and causes otherwise normal young men to behave badly.

3. This is probably complete BS, but Ohioans are fairly conservative and these act as a pressure valve to let some societal steam off before we go even crazier. Not buying it? Me neither. Though actually, I think there is some truth to it. For whatever reason it caught on and you will get folks you would not normally hear say "Fuck" actually say it. There were no shirts like that at my wedding, though our wedding colors were Scarlet and Gray.
4) Sadly, no. And this ties in with 3. A vocal minority of our fans not only yell at Michigan fans but most other fans that come to Columbus. I hate it. I don't do it, my sons will not do it and I have actually confronted some of our fans when they do it. SiC may have a different opinion on the percentage of fans, and I'm sure he has taken some crap from folks. When I was a kid my next door neighbor was a Michigan alumnus. He and my father had a good natured series of exchanges when the game came along. The Cooper years were so frustrating to a lot of fans they became less good natured and more embittered. Then when Tressel came and kept winning and flipped the tables, they felt they were justifiably smug. Each win made up for some of the heartbreaking losses during the Cooper years. I'm not sure if it a lack of good professional teams or what, but I think OSU fans are more passionate than Michigan fans and that passion, unfortunately, is not always well directed. To get back to the question, I think there are some Michigan fans that are rude to OSU fans, but Michigan fans get a much ruder reception when they come to Columbus than we do when we come to A2.

Dennis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dennis said...

One of these days I am going to remember the html tags. The fact it is mentioned right below the text box clearly doesn't get through to me. :)

SiC question. The prior (no pun intended) investigations, as you said, never really found much but smoke when it came to Tressel. I think many fans believe that he meant well, was trying to protect his players and that the media hates us and are on a witch hunt. And he beat Michigan. A lot. He was the anti-Cooper. He understood the rivalry. He put on a good show of being ethical and moral and said all the right things. Until he didn't. I think he was trying to protect his players and I think he was trying to protect himself. I also occasionally have the tinfoil hat on and think that he did tell Gene Smith or others about the issue and because he was loyal to OSU he eventually took all the blame and stayed quiet to try to avoid more severe penalties from the NCAA. And there is some honor in that. I'd like to think he cared about his kids and tried to protect them from the mistakes they made because his heart was in the right place. The cynical side of me says he cared more about winning and justified it by saying it was for the sake of the players. I imagine the truth is somewhere in between. I also think that OSU knew there were issues, tried to get Tressel to follow the rules but were afraid to do much because he kept winning and in the end, to a lot of fans, that is all that matters.

Phil, The first rule of Deflowering Virgin Club is you don't talk about... DOH! I will say that Virgins who jump in Mirror Lake before the Game are no longer that way by the end of the weekend. Whether there are mutated lake creatures that secret them away through underwater tunnels that lead to the dungeons under the Main Library where Woody's brain is kept alive are merely vicious rumors. I think.

Script Ohio - You did it first. As a static design. We perfected it by "writing" it out.

Donuts - Glazed. Messier. Powdered only makes you look pale or the victim of really bad dandruff. Seriously, I would rather eat than throw a donut.

Poop - I actually find a Michigan car and poop a perfect block O on the hood.

Michigan blood and bones - Your blood is yellow which explains the color of the Olentangy and despite Brawlis; your bones are insufficiently sturdy to help hold up the Shoe. We use them in the tackling dummies since they have that nice springiness.

Hope that cleared a few things up.

Yost said...

Dennis, if Ex fumbles with this, you are DEFINITELY getting an email.

Ex said...

Did you see how much Dennis wrote? He can have the job, i don't have that much free time.

John said...

Dennis said...
...Met my wife at Ohio State. Between the two of us we have five degrees from there...

it should be noted that Ohio State offers a two for one special every few years

GoBlueBob said...

Dennis... What are the four degrees your wife has?

Yost said...

Dennis, you have thick skin and great sense of humor hanging out here.

surrounded in columbus said...

careful everyone. Dennis appears to be reasonable, but IT'S A TRAP.

ask yourself this- there's Sru, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and a reasonable tosu fan in a 4 cornered room. each is standing in a corner. in the middle of the room, is a bag of gold. when you say "go", they are going to race to the center, and the first one there wins the gold.

so who's going to win?

Sru. why? because there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and a reasonable tosu fan.

Tom C said...

Thanks Dennis.....(I think)
What ever happened to Sru and all of his bile?
I think Dennis and Whets are related.

Dennis said...

I used to think Whets might have attended my old High School which was named Whetstone and just like OSU sits on the banks of the Olentangy River. However, he did not, so as near as I can tell, we are neither related nor know each other. I also believe Whets lives in Arizona and I sincerely believe living away from the area for a while gives one a better perspective.

As for Degrees, my two BA’s were sort of a 2 for one special. I was able to use some of the credits from the first one for the second. I lacked direction, but not funds, so I earned one in 1992 (Poli Sci) and then one in 1995 (Anthropology with a minor in Classics.) I finished off with an M.A. in Anthropology (with a focus in Forensic Anthropology.) I actually paid most of my way through grad school doing IT and when the wife got a job offer from FEMA and we moved to DC I was able to find an IT job much quicker and that paid better than a job with the Smithsonian. I actually had an offer from the Army Corps of Engineers, but when my wife saw the pages of vaccinations, the travel 75% of the time and the phrase “unexploded ordinance,” it was made very clear to me it was her or the job.

She has a B.S. and an M.S. in Agricultural Communications, though most of her work, before she had to go on disability, was Data Analysis.

SiC, I've always heard that joke as who would go first at a four way stop if all four vehicles arrived at the exact same time. I like your setup better. So, roughly, where in Columbus are you surrounded? I live outside of Carroll which is near Lancaster. I grew up in Clintonville.

surrounded in columbus said...

i've been thru Carroll a few times on cycling tours (long time ago).

we live in the cornfields of southern delaware county, now known as lewis center.