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Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Football Gods Decide to F*ck With Michigan Fans

(from MZone wire reports) MT. OLYMPUS - The college football gods wrapped up an epic 24 hour period Tuesday night of completely fucking with Michigan fans. Observers note they haven't seen this kind of cruel wrath directed at a fan base since the gods initially tricked Colorado fans into believing Dan Hawkins was a good hire.

The day started for Michigan with breaking news out of Ann Arbor that head coach Rich Rodriguez - who in three short years had turned the winningest program in college football history into the 38-point bitch of the 5th place SEC West team - had been fired by AD Dave Brandon. Then, rather than the gods allowing the news to be instantly corrected, they instead let it spread like a venereal disease at the Theta house via news outlets and the Internet.

Only after hopes of Harbaugh riding in to save the teetering program reached a fever pitch did the football gods crush U-M spirits with the knowledge that Rodriguez had actually not been fired and was still the head coach. Apparently after waiting some six weeks while working on his "evaluation" of Rich Rod and his future, the actual meeting to decide the outcome was, like the last Harry Potter film, a two-parter and was to be continued tomorrow. This marked the first time in recorded history that it's taken an AD longer than a Donald Trump divorce proceeding to make up his mind to remove or retain a football coach.

The suffering continued that night during the Sugar Bowl game between Michigan's hated rival Ohio State and Arkansas. First, all of the so-called Tat 5, played the entire game, their only punishment being forced to miss a minute of some pre-game stretching exercise.  Then the game started and it looked like a Buckeye blowout as they led the Hogs 28-10 at the half.  But following a furious comeback in the second half, Arkansas found themselves only down 31-26 with a minute left and about to get the ball back.  Unfortunately, they had no timeouts left and it looked like they were going to have to go the length of the field.

That's when the Razorback special teams blocked Tosu's punt giving QB Ryan Mallet and his offense a minute to score from deep inside Ohio State territory.  After the block, Michigan fans across the country let out a scream usually reserved for drug-induced sexual experiences. 

It looked as if the day for the Maize and Blue Faithful was going to at least end on a high note.

Instead, that's when the football gods dropped the hammer and made Mallet throw an INT on the very next play, clinching the victory for the Buckeyes.  The number of "motherf*cker!" shouts floating up into the heavens was still being tabulated at the time this column was written.

And the suffering for Michigan fans might not be over.

When reached for by the MZone at Mt. Olympus, Zeus Lombardi initially had no comment on what he and his fellow football gods had put Wolverine fans through on Tuesday. But then he laughed and cryptically added, "Wait until they see what happens next." Zeus Lombardi then excused himself saying he had to hurry down to Austin to keep fucking with Texas fans.

3 comments:

Catie said...

I am tired. College football is like politics. The good guy can't win because the bad guy has his hand too deep in the pockets of those who can help him win.

The NCAA is a joke. Cam Newton KNEW his father shopped him around (there is a voice mail to prove it) which also means that Auburn paid out to get him. Nothing is done about it. NOTHING. Players at tOSU have God only knows what perks that they shouldn't, not mentioning the ones that they do have and the NCAA allows them to play in the bowl game. Seriously.
I never liked David Brandon. I liked him less after seeing the Arby's logo on everything Big Chill. I like him less today for putting us in yet another media circus. He could have avoided this to a large degree.
With of course the exception of the Freep who joyfully will create a media circus over anything Michigan.
WHy haven't we heard anything about Sparty getting spanked in their bowl game?

I get that Michigan is a target, but after the last 3 years, one might think it is time for a break?

I could go on, but it is pointless. It is great to be a Michigan Wolverine, it is also pretty damn tough.

Dennis said...

If you are really bored while waiting for an answer I see some potential with an image like this. http://www.flickr.com/photos/35081657@N02/3254763306/

or this

http://www.aquarian-oracle.com/images/greekgods.jpg

You mention Zeus Lombardi. Hera Hayes? Ares Rockne? Athena Bryant?

Ramona said...

Yup. I'm similarly not impressed with the AD this year and I also suspect that RR's difficult job this year has been made all the more difficult by internal undermining. it's never easy to report to someone that didn't hire you.. RR is, as other posters have noted, not delivering on the D but other than Sweatervest (who I also no longer respect, so much for his ethics) no one in the Big 10 is doing anything to bring the conference into this century.. RR is trying but I don't see how anyone can do that in 3 yrs. Yes, Bo did it but he also made everyone practice until they threw up.. you can't do that now.