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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The Battle of Fort Rodriguez


BREAKING NEWS:

(from MZone wire reports) Ann Arbor, MI -- Simmering tensions between Michigan fans supporting Rich Rodriguez and those opposing the beleaguered head coach erupted in hostilities yesterday marking what many consider the start of a civil war amongst the Wolverine faithful.

The initial battle broke out on the main Michigan message boards at Scout.com and Rivals.com in the wake of Michigan's 38-28 loss to Iowa on Saturday.  Following the defeat, those against Rodriguez began comparing the 2010 campaign to the clusterfuck that was the 2008 2009 season while those urging patience claimed the talent in Michigan's secondary was only slightly better than the back-ups on the JV squad at Ann Arbor Pioneer.

"Rich Rodriguez is the worst coach to ever have coached any sport in the history of sports, including the ancient Greek Olympics.  And he probably kills puppies, too," said Rivals poster "9-4AndAVictoryOverFlorida-InANewYearsBowl-DoesntSeemSoFuckingBadNow_DoesIt851" as he fired a cannon shot at the pro-Rich front lines.

Gen. Brian Cook surveys the battlefield
But that volley was met by a quick counter-attack from ImNamingMyTwinDaughtersRich-And-Rodriguez7856, "Rich Rodriguez is a God, only in human form. On a football field.  Wearing a headset.  And not only will he win us 9 National Titles in a row, he'll also cure cancer during the off-season if people would just have a little patience."

A second front in the expanding conflict opened up in the Maize and Blue blogosphere when the website Genuinely Sarcastic was so disgusted with Michigan's performance last weekend that they refused to put up a new post following the Iowa game.  Instead, the bloggers simply left up their MSU game diatribe, "Disillusionment," which slammed Rodriguez and the direction of the football program under him.  Brian Cook, Supreme Commander of the pro-Rich Rod forces at MGoBlog, ordered the anti-Rich Rod rant removed.  When Genuinely Sarcastic refused, Cook and his army of some 75,000 plus daily readers encircled the curiously-named site and threatened to cut off their Internet traffic by removing them from his links section.

Faced with a cyber Siege of Stalingrad that would leave its traffic flow on par with this Florida Gator site,  Genuinely Sarcastic was able to dispatch a cavalry rider to the MZone in a desperate plea for help.  Military experts theorize that the MZone was picked because it's founder, the strikingly handsome and noted lothario, Colonel Fielding Yost, is said to sympathize with the "What the &^%$! is Rich Rod doing to our &^%$! football program?!" faction of Michigan fans.

However, having only recently returned to the blogosphere after being AWOL for 2+ years, Colonel Yost and his meager readership were no match for the Mighty MGoBlog, and calls for reinforcements from the Wolverine Liberation Army went unanswered.

Unrelated, cool-looking battlefield map for no reason
Rumors that In Rod We Trust launched unprovoked attacks against MVictors and Maize N Brew at the urging of Private Rick Leach because the two sites wouldn't change their names to WeTrustWorshipAndLoveRodEvenMore.com and .org, respectively, were unconfirmed at press time.

And unidentified reports claiming that Go Blue M Wolverine, The Hoover Street Rag and Holy Fuck I Think We're Now Officially Out of Michigan-Themed Names For Any More Michigan-Themed Football Blogs started a guerrilla campaign against MGoBlog by planting links to Michael Rosenberg articles on the site's comment section were also unverified.

With the Maize and Blue Nation about to be torn apart right where the maize meets the blue, Michigan AD Dave Brandon called for calm and asked EDSBS founder Orson Swindle to help broker a peace accord, even offering to throw in free pizza.  But Swindle was on his way to the LSU/Auburn game and refused to get in the middle of the conflict.

"This is for U-M fans to figure out by themselves," said Swindle.  "On their campus, on their message boards and on one of the 698 Michigan-centric college football blogs out there."

THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS STORY.  PLEASE CHECK BACK FOR FURTHER UPDATES AND PHOTOS AS THEY BECOME AVAILABLE.

19 comments:

artayay said...

Thanks Yost, good stuff!
Christian 109901.com

phil said...

Dear General Yost,
I regret to inform you that Whetstonebuck was gravely wounded in the RichRod Civil War and we appreciate his sacrifice for our Glorious Cause. Though Whet was not vouchsafed a hero’s death upon the field of glory, he was none the less a hero, dying of pneumonia, following an attack of the measles. I am respectfully yours, Captain Phil.

whetstonebuck said...

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

However, I did almost die from laughter. Fortunately, I have insurance which prompted the EMTs to take me to the Emergency Room. After x-rays, CAT scan, and MRI (oh my!) the doctor removed my funny bone.

The surgery was successful due to the fact that when I awoke, I began to weep uncontrollably for you all. The surgeon said it was a permanent condition and to "just get used to it."

surrounded in columbus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
surrounded in columbus said...

wow. this is spectacular. i haven't seen this many historical references dropped into a comedy bit since Dennis Miller left MNF.

simply awesome.

may i suggest you launch a campaign by which the pro R2 crowd wears maize, and the fire R2 crowd wears blue? that way M fans can congregate w/ others of their own ilk and we can have spontaneous riots, sorta like rival English soccer fans?

look on the bright side? there are some fan bases that are even more demanding than we are. we could have a coach that has been in place for a decade, won a MNC, 6 or 7 conference titles, had a Heisman trophy winner, and still have fans calling for his head because he's 6-1?

at least our coach is a much worse 5-2...

Mikoyan said...

Meanwhile, the almost completely unrelated to football blog michiganexposures has been asked it's stance as the latest post there was some tower in Michigan. People wondered if this was a sign that God was throwing in on the whole contraversy. When asked, the founder of the blog said, "It says nothing...I like the tower...that's all".

Andy said...

You know what happens when maize and blue smash into each other in battle?

GREEN

srudoff said...

sic

wasn't Carr in place for a decade, won multiple conference championships and a MNC and yet had Michigan fans calling for his removal quite a bit after 2003?

i think it's a common trait amongst fan bases that you'll always have some fans that just aren't happy with who is in charge.

we've seen the last of the days of the joe pas and bobby bowdens. it's all 'what have you done for me lately' - way more than it's ever been.

Mikoyan said...

I hate the "what have you done for me lately" mentality. I wish more pro teams would be like Tennessee and Pittsburgh where they aren't firing coaches ever other season. I mean yes Tennessee has had its ebbs and flows and I'm sure that the fans have called for Fisher's head at times but the owners kept him and I think they are pretty good this year. The Steelers had Cowher forever and they were finally rewarded with a Super Bowl. If the "what have you done for me lately" mentality were true, the Lions should be Super Bowl champions as they have gone through 5 coaches and are working number 6 in the past 12 years (or so). I don't think that bodes well for stability in the players because it means that they are having to adjust constantly to new coaches, new schemes, etc.

I'm in the "not Fire Rich Rod" camp mainly because I think things are starting to come to fruition. If they fire him after this season, a new coach is going to come in and screw that all up. Heck, I'm even willing to give Gerg a chance for the same reasons stated above. He is only 2 years into this thing and given his resume, I don't think he is a stupid coach. But sadly, I think if there is another meltdown, I think there will be demands for accountibility and someone will be let go.

whetstonebuck said...

Me too, me too. I say keep him.

This is a Jim Harbaugh free zone. That coach is scary good. Don't want him in the Big 10. Unless...

bigGexpress said...

Unrelated, cool-looking battlefield map for no reason, Hidden buckstash link......... BRILLIANT!!! With three exclamation points.

Yost said...

Thanks for catching that, bigG. :)

And mad props to Andy for the photoshop work on the main pic. He came up with the title that inspired the entire piece.

If only our football squad had this kind of synergy between it's offense and defense... *sigh*

GoBlueBob said...

The In Rod We Trust group is in trouble since they are the one's that are defending the fort and we all know there is no defense. Was this intentional or just a Yostian slip??

SIC... Does your color scheme mean that all the students want him to stay? I guess I will have to give up my maize sweatshirt and start wearing my blue one to the games.

Whets... your Harbaugh suggestion made me think of and hope for, the next 10(or 20) year war with Harbaugh vs tressel instead of Bo vs Woody. Those were the days......

Andy said...

The map Yost included is the from the Battle of Antietam (in the SEC they call it Sharpsburg).

It was the first major battle of the war to take place up north. It was also the bloodiest single-day battle in American history, with about 23,000 casualties.

If you look closely, one of the Division Commanders listed on the map is Abner Doubleday, the same guy that is credited with inventing baseball.

whetstonebuck said...

Bob,

I'm worried that Harbaugh will come on board at Michigan about the time Tressel calls it quits. Then things could get reversed real quick. I don't think I could live through an elitist resurrection.

surrounded in columbus said...

GBB
The possibilities are endless. Instead of "red state-blue state" we could have senseless "maize team- blue team" debates.

Maybe each team could get its own network? Dual broadcasts with announcers each calling the same game from their own skewed perspective:

"That was a great 5 yard run on 1st down! That kinda play calling shows what kinda coaching Coach Rod brings to our program!"

While on the other network: "what a horrible call! We only got 5 yards against a formation that we shudda got at least 25, if not a TD! This lack of imagination in play calling is why we need change here in A2"

It'll be glorious (agree to disagree, anyone?)!

Mikoyan said...

Early in the spring, I went out to Antietam and Gettysburg. Gettysburg has the coolness factor (all the awe inspiring monuments), Antietam had something else. I guess they've taken great pains to keep the battlefield in the same condition as it was during the Civil War so it felt like I was actually there. And of course, where I go my camera goes.

http://michiganexposures.blogspot.com/2010/04/antietam-national-battlefield.html

http://michiganexposures.blogspot.com/2010/04/gettysburg.html

James said...

See analysis of the entire public record in NCAA/UM Violations case at Brewonsouthu.wordpress.com. Our prediction: NCAA sanctions will be much stronger than the ones self-imposed by UM, and Rich Rod is gone by Jan.1.

surrounded in columbus said...

sooo, if he's gonna be fired no matter what they do on the field???

actually, THAT would be pretty ironic- watch the team win out, go to a BCS bowl, and then because of the NCAA sanctiions, they fire the coach???

let me know when THAT happens.

i said it before the season, i'm gonna say it again- he wins -7-9 games, he'll be back. he doesn't, he won't.

and all the rest of this discussion is just noise.