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Sunday, August 29, 2010

I can stay silent no more!


WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!

When we last chatted here on this site some 2+ years ago, I was bidding you all adieu. I had burned out and, truth be told, it was time to move out of mom's basement and spend some of the Internet millions I made as Colin Cowherd's comedy ghost writer. Plus, I wanted to start dating a few of the hotties who were constantly throwing themselves at yours truly, as women are want to do with famous bloggers (I'm looking at you, Title IX).

So, I went out for one last beer with my blogging cohort and the MZone's resident Photoshop guru, Benny, then moved to a small, undisclosed island in the Bahamas. And all was good. As you can well imagine, it was days of sun, surf and babes ("You used to run the MZone? Take me!"). I cut off all contact with the outside world, save for the occasional trip to Miami for a little nightlife or to catch one of the TWILIGHT films (Team Edward. Busted).

Now, at this small, undisclosed island in the Bahamas, I got to be known as quite the party animal. You know when Jimmy Buffet is screaming in your face, "Yost, put down the fucking margarita!" you're over doing it.

But last week I thought I'd hit rock bottom. Thought I was starting to hallucinate. Because I looked up from the floor and standing in the doorway were not the two naked Playmates from the night before but what I thought was the Ghost of Benny. And he was talking gibberish. Crazy, outlandish shit: Saying that Michigan was coming off back-to-back losing seasons, including a 3-9 campaign in which they were Toledo's bitch. And then following that disaster up with a 5-7 suck-fest where they topped the previous year by making Ron Zook look like he could coach for a half.

I laughed at this Ghost of Benny. But he didn't. He said it was true.

I quickly set down the bottle of Glenlivit in my right hand.

Still he didn't stop. The nightmare was only beginning. For Benny next launched into a story that was so outlandish, so bat-shit crazy, it caused me to wonder exactly when I had become a crystal meth addict. As I lay there in a puddle of my own vomit and someone else's urine, Benny claimed that the Big 10 had added a team, was splitting into divisions and -- -- and I can barely type the words --they were going to do away with the traditional season-ending game between Michigan and Ohio State.

Once again, I laughed. Once again, Benny did not.

I quickly set down the bottle of Boone's Farm in my left hand.

"Surely," I bellowed (between vurps), "Michigan's President and AD -- as well as those of Ohio State -- will never let this happen!" That's when Benny dropped the bombshell: They support it.

I looked up, waiting for the bright light we all hear about when death is upon us. Then I began to recite the Michigan Man's Prayer: "Our Schembechler, who art in Heaven..." But all I got was the cold smack of Benny's hand, "Yost, it's even worse -- the only people rising up to stop it are..." Benny started to cry, like that time when I told him we were never going to finish the Blog Co-Ed Showdown. "What, Benny? Speak, old friend!" He composed himself enough to continue. "The...the only people rising up to stop it are...Michigan and Ohio State fans. Banding together as one."

The next smack was me hitting Benny. "Blasphemy!" Here I thought it was me with the drug problem. Yet it was Benny. Dear old Benny. Too many hours working on Photoshopped pictures of half-naked Arizona-State-cheerleaders-turned-porn-stars had finally pushed him over the edge.

But he pulled out his iPhone -- surprising us both when he actually was able to get a signal on this small, undisclosed island in the Bahamas -- and he proved it to me. Showing me news stories and blog posts. Facebook pages and Internet petitions.

It was true.

We now lived in a world in which Buckeyes and Wolverines had joined forces to defeat a greater evil. It must have been how Roosevelt felt teaming up with the Russians. But Benny explained that there was no other way. The very fate of The Game hung in the balance.

I checked outside for locusts as surely the End Times were upon us. Seeing nothing but the empty 12-packs of Red, White and Blue Light littering my lawn, I knew I could stay away no longer.

I hopped on the next flight with Benny (when the fuck did they start charging for luggage?!) and returned home. I returned to the musty basement in the Midwest that I thought I had left behind forever. Mom gave me a tearful hug, a "Welcome home" and the unfinished box of Twinkies I'd left in the closest next to my giant stack of old CHARLES IN CHARGE VHS tapes.

I then descended the stairs and took a seat in front of my trusty-but-now-dusty Dell 486. After somehow cleaning the computer virus off the hard-drive, the one I got clicking on a link while Googling "USC Song Girl Home Movie" for strictly "research purposes," I sat and began to type the words you read today.

Even now, wearing pants during daylight hours for the first time in months, I sometimes wish Benny was just a giant alcohol-fueled mirage that day. A figment of my maize and blue imagination. But he was a call to duty. To raise yet one more voice in protest against those trying to destroy the greatest college football game in America. The Game. The Game that instilled the lifelong passion for Michigan or Ohio State football deep inside of many of us to begin with. The Game -- at the END of the season -- that Wolverines and Buckeyes agree, with one voice, must preserved at all costs.

God Save The Game!

That I even have to come back and write this post stuns and saddens me. It points to bigger problems with college football and those who now run it. But that's for another discussion. For some reason, with the 2010 season just days away, we must instead turn our attention to saving the very rivalry that built the Big 10.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!

22 comments:

Chuck said...

Welcome back... It's good to hear from one of the masters of the Rivalry.

Wait- if I agree with and complement you, does that make things worse?

616goblue said...

YOST!

Missed your cotton pickin' maize and blue humor!

GoBlueBob said...

Nice to have you back. We need you and your humor to break the curse and return the space - time continuem to it's normal state. By the way, say hi to your mom for me!

Andy said...

Welcome back old man! We missed you.

surrounded in columbus said...

are you really back? or is this just a tease?

i've had my heart broken before, you know...

Josey Wales said...

Do you think you'll merge back with your "Spawn"?

Also I can't believe the Big-10 isn't going to look to Iron Bowl as an example of what to do with OSU/Michigan.

One of the worst arguments I heard for moving the game and having OSU/Michigan in separate divisions is keeping the game relevant. Or basically hoping for them to meet in the conference Title game and have the game determine who goes to the Rose Bowl like it traditionally has. Well... A) OSU/Michigan is ALWAYS going to be relevant. Whether it's to redeem a bad season or put the final stamp on a great one, it's important. How I felt the week of the the Game the last two years even against a really down Michigan has proved that to me. And B) If you keep OSU and Michigan in the same division that keeps the game even MORE relevant because that game would be a play into the Big-10 title game MUCH more often than OSU/Michigan would actually make the title game together from separate divisions. So more often than not the game would still have serious implications than it does even now because OSU and Michigan's division would probably have only one other "serious" yearly contender. To achieve balance the other division would probably have Iowa, Nebraska and Penn State.

ChicagoWolverine said...

with your return, i now feel optimistic about this season! go blue!

Voice of Reason said...

Welcome back. It looks like the theme now is Michigan & OSU are the Rebel forces and the Big Ten is the Evil Empire. We expect the Empire to Strike Back soon.

Mike Davis said...

Thank God you're back, and for such a good cause.

Devil said...

Your Rip van Winkle act is the first good result I've seen from Delaney's latest round of stupidity

phil said...

To defeat this Great Evil we'll need to recruit cattle rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. Oh wait, we don't need them, we'll we working with OSU fans.

Lane said...

damn it Yost ... Glad to see you back!!

Will Collier said...

Hell yeah, as we say down in these parts.

I knew you couldn't stay away forever, Yost. Welcome back.

Mikoyan said...

It's good to have you back.

Jack said...

Buckeyes and Wolverines united for the good of the rivalry, the conference, and, let's face it, America. Great post and it's nice to see you back.

TitleIX said...

just like that?!?
you walk out, leave us here to fend for ourselves?
You don't call, you don't write and then you come back two years later expecting all to be better?
For all to be forgiven???
After we built our own site? Our own way?......
WELL>>>>>

You had me at 'what the f*&%$k' Yost.
Welcome home Pappa!

Jim Harbaugh Scramble said...

Nice. Good to see you back from the dead. GO BLUE!

whetstonebuck said...

Well, well, well.

The scholar and the gentleman is back.

It's a good day.

Catie said...

Ahhhhh, Yost, Just in the Nick of Time! Maybe with you back things will turn around for The Team! Welcome back!

miklak said...

Welcome back Yost!

Marek said...

Welcome back... Ive heard about this blog, just wasnt around for its hey day...

AmaizeNBlueinRedChina said...

about damned time YOST!!! Welcome HOME!!!

The BS that has been going even has the pinko's here in China concerned. (I'm serious)