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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Michigan-Ohio State tickets can get you laid

Blow jobs for Buckeye tickets?


According to an evolutionary psychologist at the Univeristy of Michigan, exchanging valuable items for sex isn't just for johns and prostitutes. In fact, scientists who study these things say there is no clear line between gift-giving and prostitution.

In his paper published in this month's issue of the journal Evolutionary Psychology (what do you mean you don't subscribe?), U-M's Daniel Kruger interviewed 475 college students and found that 27 percent of the men and 14 percent of the women reported trying to trade something to get sex. "Sometimes it was money, sometimes it was funding voice lessons, and sometimes it was giving tickets to the Ohio State versus Michigan game," he said. "There's a black market for those tickets - they're quite sought after."

Michigan-Ohio State...or sex?



Now, let me just go on record as saying I love sex. A lot. But upon further review, I really can't think of a potential sexual situation not involving Charlize Theron and Evangeline Lilly -- with Stacy Keibler video taping it -- that would ever make me even consider giving up my Michigan-Ohio State tickets.

And even faced with the above hypothetical, it would depend on the team records and what was at stake. Undefeated and the BCS berth on the line as was the case in '06? Sorry, Charlize. I'll be dodging donuts and sitting amongst 98,000 scarlet and grey-clad profanity-spewing truckers as I cheer on the Wolverines.

Then again, if the '08 season turns out to be a bad as I think it could be, come November I just might be open to trading my tix to any drunk Tri Delt for a hand job and some post-climax cuddling.

Ed. Note:

Dear Charlize, Evangeline and Stacy,

The MZone is a college football website with an emphasis on comedy. I'll say it again: comedy. Thus, if you really want to see the M-OSU game and the above situation -- hell, even two-thirds of it -- sounds reasonable, please feel free to contact me at the email address on our home page. Yes, I want to go to the game but, I mean, it never hurts to ask, right?



(HT: DW)


phil said...

Further studies went on to show that more noise was made by the participants during sex to earn those tickets than the noise they produced during their attendance at the game.

god of the whoppers said...

so that's what that girl who was servicing herself for the Pikes wanted...
she should have just asked.

Bigasshammm said...

This just in Michigan State students surveyed:: 23% would flash for riot police, 97% would give blowjobs for a win over Michigan in any sport besides basketball.

Andy said...

....and 100% of those Michigan State students were actually accepted into Michigan, but decided to head to East Lansing instead.

Feelin' Blue said...

I think that MSU should have some series in basketball or hockey against Yale, so that all the MSU students can show up the school that they turned down.

Feelin' Blue said...


I know that you weren't talking about the female students only! 97% of all MSU students would give head for a victory over Michigan.

Nate said...

Guess we're just going to completely ignore the spring game. Gonna be a long year

Bigasshammm said...

feelin' blue

No I did not mean just the female students. I'd be willing to bet that a lot of the male MSU students would gladly take the dirty toothbrush for a win against MI in football.

jcloverboi said...

i have a feeling a lot of Penn St. fans would polish some knob for a win over UM too. A BJ would be a welcome change of pace from the butt-reaming we've been taking for the past 9 years.

surrounded in columbus said...

i wouldn't say everyone's ignoring the spring game- there just isn't much to talk about.

the spring game has always been a "fun" activity at michigan, but never a "big" or "important" activity. not at least to the point of scalping ducats for $85!

it's fun but most fans don't put too much stock in it as a predictor of next season. face it- if your D looks great, your O sucked. and vice versa. could be more overhyped than recruiting class rankings?!?!

srudoff said...

this is bullshit

ripping on MSU in the middle of a UM-OSU thread???


rip on us damnit

god of the whoppers said...

i guess this is directed to everyone, why is everyone only 8 conference games? there are 15 weeks in the season, every has gone back to a bye week, yet there are still 4 pushovers on every schedule (with the exception of cal, mizzou, USC, and perhaps pitt.) why is wisco finishing with cal poly, and i can't remember the last time michigan played iwoa. even if you want to play 12 games a year with a bye week, you should play every big ten team, and schedule 2 pushovers...

zen wizard said...

Viewed on a pro rata scale, I would say that Major League Soccer tickets would get you a tug job--and WNBA tickets would get you 30-minutes of feigned interest in listening to you bullshit about your job as an IT specialist with a mid-sized corporation--through the crabcake appetizer.

Tickets to the Nashua Pride vs. the New Jersey Jackals in the Canadian-American Baseball League will get you a hearty chuckle at one of your jokes and a mild look of amusement at your second joke.

If they are good seats, she will throw in a compliment about an article of your clothing.

If you try to ply her with World Men's Curling Championship tickets: You will get a hummer if she is Canadian; but if she is American she will call all of her friends and tell them not to go out with you.

Joshua said...

That's awesome dude. Nice work.

Yeah, I'm with yost on this one. there's not much on earth that could make me give up tickets to that game, other than a monetary sum which would basically guarantee I'd never have to miss it again. Sex? Maybe if you guaranteed a win and it happened DURING a blowout of UoOS. A lifetime of sex with an intelligent woman would also qualify.

MGoBlue93 said...

Andy your comment is priceless. Beer shot out of my nose I was laughing so hard!

Feelin' Blue said...

Srudoff says:
Rip on us. We're men! We're 40 (thousand students)!

Sorry, srudoff, you're right. Little Brother doesn't deserve a place at the big boys table.

zen wizard said...

On a serious note, I have Braves vs. Dodgers tickets for the employees in a sales contest this weekend, and if history is any indication, some of them will be physically working up a sweat--and it's a phone sales job.

If I gave the equivalent in money away as a prize--don't ask me why, but it would not work as well.

And certain people if they win will sell the tickets...

Hey, I did not create the world; I just live in it!!