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Saturday, March 22, 2008

How to Park Like a Buckeye

Got the picture and email below from MZone reader Matt who lives in Columbus and has a blog about bad parking called BadParkingAroundTown:

"Hi, I am a daily reader of your blog and I love it. I am an Avid U of M fan.

Anyways, I just wanted to show you this picture I took. I thought you might get a kick out of it. I have a blog about bad parking. I was out recently and took these pictures. From my experience, it's a typical "University of Ohio State" fan
."


And don't be fooled by the lot being empty, folks. You know this is the same guy at Christmas time jamming that thing into a compact space and dinging the shit out of the properly parked car next to him.

Ed. Note: For those of you who don't understand the "University of Ohio State" moniker, it is the official new name here at the MZone for our rivals to the south after being referred to as such by student-athlete and brand-new Buckeye Terrelle Pryor.

60 comments:

phil said...

Cut the guy a break. At least he's following one UOS rule. To be a fan of the University of Ohio State you have to be at least 30 lbs. overweight.

Rob said...

Let's not forget that the proper title of our rival school to the south is THE University of Ohio State. :)

beast in 'bama said...

A blog about bad parking? That never has an off-season.

Vadatripp said...

See, you're assuming he meant to park like that. Have you seen TUoOSU fans drive? I'm amazed he didn't park his car in the store's front window.

Andy said...

If you look very closely -- I think there is a sign placed in front of the car. Either it is a handicapped parking or an employee of the month parking sign...

Either way, he likely qualifies.

I-O !!!!

srudoff said...

not sure what's more sad... Mzone commenting about this or Matt having an entire blog devoted to bad parking. i'm guessing Matt majored in General Studies at UM - 15 minutes every two weeks, learning about how to use a calendar!

srudoff said...

replies to the effect of "what's more sad is a suckeye fan...." in 3....2....

Yost said...

Sru, let me finish the sentence for you:

What's more sad is a Suckeye fan coming to a Michigan site to comment on commenting about this.

srudoff said...

see!

:)

jcloverboi said...

very off-topic here, but i recall a post sometime ago about the horror that is a couple's shower. i've been invited to one sometime next month, and two things about this really stand out to me:

1.) there will be couples there i've never met.
2.) there will be NO alcohol served. at all.

Since it's being held by one of my best friends, i'm exempt from being part of a couple, but i don't think i'm up for meeting lame strangers who have nothing better to do than go to couple's showers (while sober!). In fact, i think i'd rather be blown by a shark with a laser beam attached to its head. any thoughts from gallery?

jcloverboi said...

*the gallery.

sorry for not previous specifying:)

Out of Conference said...

Srudoff - where ya been?

JCloverboi - if you have to go to that thing (and I would not), do you best to find that one chick that looks like she's not having a good time, could use a drink, doesn;t like her date/husband- then start a conversation, explain to her that you have a flask, and see if you can move the you-her party to the bathroom. I know it works - I read about stuff like that happening all the time Penthouse Forum. Those guys don't lie.
If nothing else, you can count on not getting invited to the wedding.
Joshua should be along soon to fine tune my tips.

Sgt. Wolverine said...

I have a handicapped parking permit, so I get to see some pretty bad parking jobs when I'm looking for parking. But that one takes the cake. If he doesn't have a handicapped parking permit, I'd give him an honorary permit for out-parking the worst handicapped parkers.

Joshua said...

"In fact, i think i'd rather be blown by a shark with a laser beam attached to its head."

Ladies and gentlemen, our first Oral Sex with a Shark comment. My how I've been waiting for this day.

jcloverboi said...

joshua,

glad i could be of service--lip service...

ZING!

srudoff said...

this site is "websensed" from work since the first of the year - working from home today so i've got 3 months of vitriol bottled up :)

sgt wolverine - not sure if you knew this, but hanging your Michigan diploma from your rear view mirror entitles you to handicap parking pretty much anywhere in America these days - in case you leave the house without your current permit.

surrounded in columbus said...

michigan degree = handicapped parking? oh gawd, that's a hoot.

but seriously? my maid went to tosu.

Joshua said...

Ooc, the bathroom thing would never work because there's likely to be some shrew acting as the Fun Police and making sure everyone pays the utmost attention to the couple, specifically the woman. This is most likely her best friend. This is also likely the lady who suggested it was a good idea for it to be an alcohol free shin-dig so she wouldn't look out of place being awkward and uptight. As the Self-appointed Minister of Fun for everyone I know, these people are my arch nemeses- and yes, that's the correct pluralization of nemesis. So the bathroom's out.

Now there are two ways this could go: Either there will be an attractive single female present OR it'll be the equivalent of receiving fellatio from said Darwinian death machine. This is your choice. As this is one of your best friends he should be able to verify if there will be any single available women present, and work with you to make sure Jenny in accounting is invited if she wasn't on the original list. If not, then bring a date. Sounds crazy, but I'm thinking it would be signed off on by the lady of the house, as it would be "awkward" for you to be the only non-coupled person in attendance. This is a tremendous opportunity to show a young lady whom you're interested in that A) you have friends and B) some of them are actually grown-ups. Plus once you arrive the possibilities for conversation are endless. And if you're good with kids it's a major plus as the props will be included.

If it's a date, leave the flask out, if not- may i suggest the J Crew "tie flask" in a nice Blue and gold? It says not only "I'm the fun guy at this party with a flask" but also "I'm a Michigan man". Definitely two tremendous qualities every discerning young lady looks for. If it is a date, then make it a precursor to dinner- this gives you an easy out when you decide to leave as you "can't miss your reservations".

Hope that helps.

Joshua said...

Oh, and while most of that was typed tongue-in-cheek, it'll actually probably work.

jcloverboi said...

OoC and joshua,

good stuff from both of you. the only way i would even consider going is with a date, but the problem there is that most of the women i know wouldn't be caught dead at one either. seriously, who comes up with these things? i think it's just an excuse to get two gifts from the same person. at least they have the decency to have the wedding in may and not in september--because if given the choice between UGA-LSU and a booze-free outdoor wedding, well, i think you know which way i'd go there.

of course maybe my date and i could be the power couple that teaches the squares to have fun and get down like i see in those hep-cat teen movies.

i'm interested to see what the ladies have to say about it--where are you in my time of need catie and T9?

Sgt. Wolverine said...

sru, it's unfortunate for me, then, that I don't have a Michigan diploma. Oh well.

Oh, and I noticed you said "pretty much anywhere"; I'm guessing Ohio is the exception. Is that because Ohio actually has reserved non-handicapped parking for the fully functional minority that has to live there?

Andy said...

I find it insulting that Wal*Mart is "websensing" this blog.

WTF ?

surrounded in columbus said...

well, he really is supposed to be out in the lot collecting the carts instead of trolling the internet.....

THE ohio state university- the only business program in the world where they have a class in which you learn how to say:

do you want fries w/ that?

zen wizard said...

As a former resident of Columbus--many years ago--I never thought of it, but a lot of my tsuris was parking related...

Both my OWN bad parking, and the bad parking of others.

I also noticed a strange gleefulness about having someone's car towed that I have not seen anywhere else but Los Angeles--where it is I guess debatably justified. The bad part about having someone's car towed in Los Angeles is that you are often also towing the person's DWELLING.

In the case of Columbus, I think it is because the town was named after a sailor, so you figure if you are on dry land, that must be a really good parking job.

Out of Conference said...

JC - just show up freaking hammered. Not buzzed and making a slight off color comment, but downright shitfaced smelling like a brewery. And then choose one of the following phrases:

1. "Too bad this isn't ole England and Prima Nocta isn't in effect, because I'm purt damn near sure the law in these parts and that bride-to-be is looking dayyyyaaaaam good."
OR
2. (looking at bride), "You not going be like that one over in the big city that went and done runned off to Areezona claiming a man kidnapped her because she got da cold feet, are ye?. Because ever dayum women around ought to know that they should be thankful for some poor sucker just putting up with thar shit, let alone fixin' to marry them."

Don't worry about the wedding invite- that will leave you time to catch a UGA baseball series before Hoover.

TitleIX said...

jcleverboi...
the smartest thing you can do is to NOT go to the couples' shower.
first, you should be automatically exempt by your non-coupled status.
secondly, it is absolutely the dumbest thing in the world unless the theme of said couples' shower is marital aides/power tools. Then it might be worth coming around to the idea (ba-da-bing!)

definitely check if there is a theme to the event because if so, FOR SURE don't go. Tell your friend that if his fiancee really loved him then there would be no such thing as a couples' shower.

or--suggest that said couples' shower be held at the club house of a local golf course. the guys go play 18, the gals ooh and ahh over shit from Target.....

if, however, you HAVE HAVE HAVE to go I concur with joshua---boda bag under the shirt.

TitleIX said...

and---good to see my bro andy back!
Wal*Mart?
BRILLIANT!

jcloverboi said...

Ooc,

great suggestions on what to say if i were to go, but you outted me--that's how i talk BEFORE i'm shitfaced. My emphasis on (mostly) correct spelling and grammar is just an air i put on for all of you smart Michigan types.

Nah if you 'scuse me, I gots ta steal down to tha outhouse over yonder so's ah can peek at ma sister what went dere ta change 'er britches. honest to gawd, she'd be even more fetchin' if she wasn't also mah mama.

jcloverboi said...

T9,

as always, your wisdom is greatly appreciated. i can assure you the couples' shower wasn't hsi idea--his fiance a little nuts. and by a little, i mean that the Big House couldn't adequately hold her craziness.

jcloverboi said...

*his idea
*is a little nuts

me fail english? that's unpossible!

Joshua said...

Btw,

Couples showers are reserved for people who say "We're pregnant", and if any of you ever utter said term in my presence I will take it as open license to mock and ridicule you in between pointing and laughing. It has been my experience that women should be both respected and honored, but this can be done without using fruity terms and throwing couples showers. It is the man's job to support the woman, hand out cigars, and smile pleasantly while she's in labor and yelling "You did this to me!" and pointing at you like you're evil/Jim Tressell incarnate.

So be a man and treat the love of your life correctly, but don't turn into a fruit.

Disclaimer: Previous use the term "fruit" should not in any way, shape or form be assumed to be a reference to gay people. My best friend on earth is a big 'mo, but even he'd slap me silly for using the term "we're pregnant". Carry on.

jcloverboi said...

again, quite off topic, but did anyone else see the drake-western kentucky game? that's about as scintilating as sports gets.

that being said, my bracket is pretty FUBAR.

WV: shyrd
phonetically the sound i made when i was invited to the couples' shower/ heard the beatles for the first time.

Joshua said...

Clover, there's an MP3 of the sound at the Ceasar's sportsbook when WKU hit that shot over at Every day Should Be Saturday. Pretty sweet.

I'm thinking about trudging through the snow (snow?!- this state is messed) to watch the Sparty game at BW3, but that would include hanging out with Spartan fans.

Tom C said...

Trudging through the (snow?) to watch sparty, with real spartans?
Damn couples shower starts looking better.
btw No booze no shower, even with the themes T9 spoke of.

jcloverboi said...

*scintillating
the ls always throw me off.
josh, can't believe it's still snowing up there--definitely one thing (among many) i don't miss about living in Cincinnasty. Not to rub it in, but it's a sunny 78 degrees here in Georgia. The half-inch coat of pollen on every surface, however, takes some of the bloom off our rose.
tom c, agreed on the couples' shower. i'm not even sure most people here in the bible belt even know what "marital aides" are. usually sheep serve that purpose 'round these parts.

zen wizard said...

The only more cringeworthy statement in the English language than, "We're pregnant" is "We're trying to get pregnant."

If a GUY constructs this statement, a perfectly acceptable response is, "Maybe she should try with a person who has not surrendered his Y-chromosome to the Oprah Book of the Month Club."

Joshua said...

Clover, where'd you live in Cinci? I lived in Hyde Park and Mt. Lookout for about 3 years.

And as for the snow, it was like 45 here in East Lansing Thursday. Then yesterday we got about 2-3 inches of snow. WTF? I really miss the Caribbean.

Tom C said...

Jc I think the pine pollen is coagulating around my boat here on Lake Murray.

jcloverboi said...

josh, i don't remember exactly where it was in Cinci--we only lived there briefly and i was like 8. my dad worked in middletown, and eventually we moved to carlisle. 4 years later it was off to Georgia, and we've all been here ever since. i can still remember riding down Pete Rose Pkwy when my dad would take us to Reds games.
That's harsh about the weather--we had one hour-long snow flurry, and that was about it. We have, however, had an unusual amount of tornadoes this year, particularly the one that hit the GA Dome.

tom c, i live in macon, which is home to about 400,000 Yoshino cherry trees. The town is as pretty as you could ask for, but the pollen count ranges from trachea-clenching to downright carcinogenic for the first 6 weeks of spring. i don't even bother to wash my car until late May.

Thick & Chunky said...

Just for the record to any TUoOS fans trolling here. Anyone who parks bad is fair game, not just buckeyes. If I see someone who is parked horribly and has michigan stuff on, I will get a picture of that too.

Yost, Thanks for the post and link

Spencer096 said...

this is awesome...such a great example of both sides.

OSU fans could give 2 sh!t's less about something like that. what does it matter? the parking lot is empty.

UM fans go on a 5 paragraph diatribe about how great UM grads can park, like it's some badge of honor or something.

oh well, enjoy making fun of arrogant buckeye fans, we'll just keep on enjoying smoking you on the field.

Joshua said...

Spencer,

It IS a great example of the two sides.

YOU feel the need to come on a Michigan blog and make false statements to make yourself feel superior. "A five paragraph diatribe about how great UM grads can park?" Please show me this diatribe you moron. This might make you feel better about being a
Buckeye fan but it won't cure that emptiness inside. You know what else won't fill that emptiness? Donuts. So put down the donut Fatty.

And thanks for referring to UM grads as "great"....unless of course you meant how "well" UM grads can park. Yup, there's another difference. We KNOW we're better than you because we're Michigan fans and don't feel the need to seek out Buckeye blogs, AND we'll correct your grammar.

TitleIX said...

forget the tuos trolls joshua

are you watching Butler v. Tenn and/or Davidson v. Georgetown???

mmmmmm Bracketology

surrounded in columbus said...

Joshua,
Make a note: tuos fans do NOT care what m fans think.

Spencer,
Thanks for the feedback. Appreciate you stopping by to let us know.

Next time we make a tuos joke, we'll do so safe in the knowledge you don't care.

Big load off my mind.

Joshua said...

Come on guys- I feed off their stupidity. And yeah T9, some carzy games today.


Anyone else hear that Herbstriet said "Get ready for Maurice Clarett the sequel" about Pryor?

surrounded in columbus said...

The Dispatch had a full page write up on Pryor on Thursday, but amidst the accolades they had one column titled: "Double Threat or Double Trouble?".

Guy has a lot of potential for a lot of things. Not to worry though. Look @ Tre$$els's track record for handling head case prima donnas....

Oh.

Randy said...

Obviously the slowest day of the year for Michigan football news.

Adam said...

Yost,

This is a little off topic, but while this is the off season for football, I hear the Michigan ice hockey team is pretty damn good this year. Why not write about that?

Spencer096 said...

hey, i was just being light-hearted, no hate.

i frequent this and mgoblog because they're both WELL written and detailed. why be an asshole over something i said, not about football, but about the absurdity of the post. it's not like im trolling around here saying stuff like, "Terrelle Pryor is the best! UM SUCKS UM SUCKS!"

but i'm glad that I'm the typecast retard because of an innocent grammatical error and am called a Fatty in response. classy stuff.

i guess occupational success and personal happiness doesn't mean a thing because i'm not a UM grad. oh well, i guess i'll just cry next November when we whoop your asses again.

thanks for the comment on my blog whomever left it.

TitleIX said...

University officials respond to Carty's clownery....

http://www.ur.umich.edu/0708/Mar24_08/00.php

Joshua said...

Spence:

If that was an intended lighthearted reply I owe you an apology. I got a little fed uo with the OSU/Pryor trolls this weekend, and you've gotta admit that donut comment was funny if not classy. Anyway, always nice to have a civil Buckeye voice around here (in addition to Whets, I think he gets lonely) and like I said, I apologize. But donuts really won't cure that emptiness inside. Nor will hookers. Or donuts being eaten by hookers. and while hookers being eaten by Donuts might make a wonderful sci-fi flick, I don't think they'll help either. Just so you know.

Vadatripp said...

Spencer: "it's not like im trolling around here saying stuff like, "Terrelle Pryor is the best! UM SUCKS UM SUCKS!" "

Yes, I'm sure the timing of your posting here with "we'll just keep on enjoying smoking you on the field" was purely coincidental in the wake of the Pryor crap.

IT'S A MICHIGAN BLOG! WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? Sheesh, do you think any of THE university of ohio state blogs welcome UM fans with open arms? Hell, Yost is even gracious enough to keep tUOS fan pets like Whets and Sru around. I imagine most of the posts directed at UM fans on your sites read like "$%&# you mom. %&#$ your dad. I hope you @$^*#$$%% and then @$#%^&** a sheep and $$%^&*$#@# die." Be glad you got off as lucky as you did.

Please, just go away and never come back. Thanks. You can throw full beer cans and baggies of dog sh!t at me in November if I decide to get dressed up in battle armor and venture down to that sh!thole in Ohio.

Spencer096 said...

joshua...it's cool. and for the record, i do love me some donuts, but you gotta do what you gotta do to keep the belly off.

vadatripp...god forbid there be some banter regarding the best rivalry in sports. from my perspective, it seems more gracious to comment on a post about an OSU fan being an a$$hole parking than it is to be a dick and post typical bullshit about TP.

what am i doing here? know your enemy, and im fortunate enough to have a rival school that has such eloquent authors (for the most part) that allows me to get into the UM program more than just watching them once a year and punching my buddy from detroit in a drunken stupor.

i understand the buckeye stereotype even if i consider myself a level-headed objective participant, but re-read your post and you'll probably see that you're not any different than the OSU fans you pigeonhole.

plus, if a few of you didn't throw some dickhead comments up on my blog, i really wouldn't have said anything in response.

whetstonebuck said...

"Look @ Tre$$els's track record for handling head case prima donnas...."

I think it's a plan. He squeezes a NC or two out of them and then sends them to the Big House.

Uh, wait. Not THAT Big House. Never mind.

Vadatripp said...

"god forbid there be some banter regarding the best rivalry in sports."
What, was my "diatribe" not considered banter? I despise most of you Suckeye fans and I was just giving back what you spouted on a UM FORUM. I thought it was funny.


"from my perspective, it seems more gracious to comment on a post about an OSU fan being an a$$hole parking than it is to be a dick and post typical bullshit about TP"
So, the timing of your friendly visit is purely coincidental? I guess you're not as obsessed with UM football as Whets or Sru - that might be a good thing.

"allows me to get into the UM program more than just watching them once a year and punching my buddy from detroit in a drunken stupor"
OK, I definitely believe this part.

"but re-read your post and you'll probably see that you're not any different than the OSU fans you pigeonhole"
Except for the parking skills, you mean. I hope - in terms of my attitude towards OSU fans - you're correct. I hope it comes across like I hate them as much as they've shown to hate me. Geez, I've been doing a piss poor job if that hasn't been made clear.

"plus, if a few of you didn't throw some dickhead comments up on my blog, i really wouldn't have said anything in response"
Now, I don't know what your blog is (nor do I really care), but I'm guessing those probably came as a response to your unsolicited visit here.

whetstonebuck said...

"I guess you're not as obsessed with UM football as Whets or Sru - that might be a good thing."

"Hell, Yost is even gracious enough to keep tUOS fan pets like Whets and Sru around."

Okay, vapidtripp, did I impregnate your sister or something? What the heck?

I'm not obsessed with UM football. I am, however, obsessed with "The Rivalry." I accidently stumbled into this blog awhile back and enjoyed the people--even the folks with some real hatred issues that I don't understand, but I haven't been in their shoes.

One thing's for sure. I've never been the teacher's pet so this is an unusual burden to bear. I will serve with distinction and pray that I don't let any of you down.

Yost, you need a refill or a foot rub?

Spencer096 said...

vadatripp...don't worry buddy, not a regular commenter here, just thought the original post was pretty funny and figured there'd be some funny stuff happenin' in the comments.

and yes, the timing of my comment was pretty conincidental, as i said, i visit here pretty often and have commented here once before, so it's not like i was hiding in the bushes waiting to pounce. and if i really did want to rub in the whole TP thing, which i don't, this wouldn't have been the post to do it.

don't take yourself too seriously dude. no hard feelings.

Joshua said...

Hatred issues? Who's got hatred issues? Just because I refuse to set foot inside the Columbus city limits and believe there's never been a more retched hive of scum and villainy, that doesn't mean I hate the place. Now, the proposal of a class letter writing drive to Kruschev in 1981 trying to get it moved up the list of Nuclear targets might qualify, but that got shot down. Ah, first grade. Those were good times.

Joshua said...

Btw, ESPN will be sending the entire Gameday crew to the Florida spring game on April 12th. Somehow my idea of tailgating for the spring game is becoming more and more socially acceptable.

Story via Awful Announcing:
http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/2008/03/espn-to-send-gameday-to-spring-football.html

I'm too lazy to speak html today, sorry.

Tom C said...

Ooc looks like the Gamecocks will be short their stud QB. Garcia got popped again with beer. Might be strike three.