Beware if you're invited to a "picnic" in Ohio

First the library now the patio furniture?

A 40-year old Ohio man, Art Price, Jr., has been charged with four counts of public indecency after he admitted -- and this is no April Fools' Day joke -- having sex with his patio picnic table. Repeatedly.

Yes, repeatedly. As in four times in one day!

Apparently, this wasn't a one night stand, folks, this was a relationship.

Now, I really think highly of my couch. And sometime my armoire just looks at me like it wants it. But so far, I've resisted those urges we all have to just let our passions run wild with the furniture. And while I've heard some guys say, in their more vulgar moments, "Gee, I'd like to bend her over the table," I've never heard -- as drunk as any of them have been -- "Gee, I'd like to bend over my picnic table."

So how did this sexual furniture predator get caught?

Police were tipped off after someone anonymously taped one of the incidents then gave it to authorities. Uh, how did that go down:

HUSBAND: Uh, Helen, you need to get over here. And bring my video camera.
WIFE: I'm watching Deal or No Deal.
HUSBAND: No, you need to see this. Because if somebody else doesn't, I'm not gonna believe it's happenin' myself.
WIFE: What the hell is it? A UFO or somethin'?
HUSBAND: Better. Art next door is fuckin' his picnic table. Again.

Even worse, I read in one of the (many) links sent my way about this story that Price is married with three kids. You think Elliot Spitzer had a lot of explaining to do? Ha! Today his wife wishes he were with a high-priced call girl. Or any girl for that matter.

ART PRICE: Honey, I have something to tell you and, well, you better sit down for this--No! Not at that table.

So how does one consummate a relationship with his patio furniture? (A cursory glance of my outdoor arrangement leaves me a tad confused as to what exactly is to go where if I were so inclined). Well, leave it to a perv to figure it out. Allegedly the neighbor who videotaped the incident (and wants to remain anonymous--surprise, surprise) saw Price walk outside, stand a round metal table on its side and insert himself into the umbrella hole.

Yeah, that sounds pleasurable. (And you think you need a lot of lubricant when you have intercourse without foreplay.)

Finally, while we have no proof Mr. Price is a TOSU/TUOS fan, he looks like a donut thrower to me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear a coffee table calling my name if you know what I'm saying. And if I'm feeling really randy, maybe I'll try to get the ottoman to join in. That's right: three-way! Schwing!

Ed. Note: Before we go, I'd like to offer a small prayer of thanks to the benevolent Comedy Gods...

"Thank you, oh thank you, ever-bountiful Comedy Gods for this story. I do not deserve such abundance. I humbly knee before you -- but not like Art Price's table -- in gratitude at your comedic blessings."

(Thanks to all who sent this story our way!)