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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Beware if you're invited to a "picnic" in Ohio

First the library now the patio furniture?

A 40-year old Ohio man, Art Price, Jr., has been charged with four counts of public indecency after he admitted -- and this is no April Fools' Day joke -- having sex with his patio picnic table. Repeatedly.

Yes, repeatedly. As in four times in one day!

Apparently, this wasn't a one night stand, folks, this was a relationship.

Now, I really think highly of my couch. And sometime my armoire just looks at me like it wants it. But so far, I've resisted those urges we all have to just let our passions run wild with the furniture. And while I've heard some guys say, in their more vulgar moments, "Gee, I'd like to bend her over the table," I've never heard -- as drunk as any of them have been -- "Gee, I'd like to bend over my picnic table."

So how did this sexual furniture predator get caught?

Police were tipped off after someone anonymously taped one of the incidents then gave it to authorities. Uh, how did that go down:

HUSBAND: Uh, Helen, you need to get over here. And bring my video camera.
WIFE: I'm watching Deal or No Deal.
HUSBAND: No, you need to see this. Because if somebody else doesn't, I'm not gonna believe it's happenin' myself.
WIFE: What the hell is it? A UFO or somethin'?
HUSBAND: Better. Art next door is fuckin' his picnic table. Again.

Even worse, I read in one of the (many) links sent my way about this story that Price is married with three kids. You think Elliot Spitzer had a lot of explaining to do? Ha! Today his wife wishes he were with a high-priced call girl. Or any girl for that matter.

ART PRICE: Honey, I have something to tell you and, well, you better sit down for this--No! Not at that table.

So how does one consummate a relationship with his patio furniture? (A cursory glance of my outdoor arrangement leaves me a tad confused as to what exactly is to go where if I were so inclined). Well, leave it to a perv to figure it out. Allegedly the neighbor who videotaped the incident (and wants to remain anonymous--surprise, surprise) saw Price walk outside, stand a round metal table on its side and insert himself into the umbrella hole.

Yeah, that sounds pleasurable. (And you think you need a lot of lubricant when you have intercourse without foreplay.)

Finally, while we have no proof Mr. Price is a TOSU/TUOS fan, he looks like a donut thrower to me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear a coffee table calling my name if you know what I'm saying. And if I'm feeling really randy, maybe I'll try to get the ottoman to join in. That's right: three-way! Schwing!

Ed. Note: Before we go, I'd like to offer a small prayer of thanks to the benevolent Comedy Gods...

"Thank you, oh thank you, ever-bountiful Comedy Gods for this story. I do not deserve such abundance. I humbly knee before you -- but not like Art Price's table -- in gratitude at your comedic blessings."

(Thanks to all who sent this story our way!)

52 comments:

Feelin' Blue said...

Doesn't he know that vacuum cleaners are the way to go?

whetstonebuck said...

Well, with those kind of family values, he's a perfect fit for the Michigan football program.

dtw2phx said...

You mean to tell me the Mrs. never wondered WHY the pages of her Pottery Barn catalogs were always stuck together??? Wow.

Dezzi said...

I can't help but think of the circumfrence..... I mean... those holes aren't small.

phil said...

I heard he was on the rebound. The gas tank hole on the riding lawnmower and him had just broken up.

Catie said...

he is one big dude, 6ft 9 inches, I agree with Dezzi, the circumference ....... my my my.

One would have to sell their house and move after such an incident!

Vadatripp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Feelin' Blue said...

"Hopefully it stays between the adults and the kids don't get a lot of the information so they aren't so cruel to the little kids," says Emily Grote, a neighbor.

I bet he would prefer that it just stays between himself and the porch table!

Out of Conference said...

Art: Honey, how 'bout a little loving tonight?

Wife: Umm, I'm not n the mood right now. Why don't you table that idea for now.

Art: Well, ok....

Da Vest said...

AS president of NAMFLA (North American Man/Furniture Love Association), I just want to say we are misunderstood sector of society. Is the love a man feels for his patio furniture any different than the love he feels for his wife or children? No. Love is love. How dare anyone stand in the way of such a pure love as this. Please write your congressman and voice your support for the Freedom of Furniture Love act now being drafted. Free Art!!

beast in 'bama said...

What would "inspire" someone to do such a thing? It all began last September - Labor Day weekend - when Art's kids began twirling the umbrella planted in the middle of the patio table...counter-clockwise.

beast in 'bama said...

Catie, I hate to break it to you, but he's only about 5'11" (tall).

Dezzi said...

5'11"... with a dick the size of a damn patio table umbrella!

Killing My Liver said...

Well, I guess that Ohio thinks that penalty is a little harsh(taking a page from Urban, I see):

http://toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article%3FAID%3D/20080401/NEWS02/804010396

zen wizard said...

For a more lasting relationship, eHarmony.com can match you up with a picnic table based on, "29 dimensions of compatibility."

(I would think knotholes and lead-free paint would be substantial parts of the algorithim.)

phil said...

This is a picture of that same table at a party last week. Apparently it is bisexual.
http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:3275

goat7ed said...

I hear he has two illegitimate chairs.

KG said...

Nicely done zen wizard...but to be fair, this is the Toledo area which is in Ohio, but the lion's share of Northwest Ohio back the Wolverines.

Jennifer said...

"Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Patti.

Patti O'Furniture."

(I totally stole this from someone who stole it from someone else. It was too funny not to share but I won't take credit for the creativity.)

Da Vest said...

It is better than burning furniture isn't it??

Yost said...

Folks, if we put up "Best of" posts based on reader comments, this would definitely make the list. Funny, funny stuff!

Thanks for the laughs, all.

Randy said...

If convicted, Ohio law will prevent him from living within 1000ft. of any store selling outdoor funiture.

ohio_guy said...

this guy is from my hometown...which means there's a 25% chance he's a Michigan fan.

Catie said...

"Catie, I hate to break it to you, but he's only about 5'11" (tall)."


Oh brother! Thanks BIB, how embarrassing!

BARman said...

...believe it or not (true story), my wife once found her ex-boyfriend using the washer (the machine, NOT the hired help) as a "receptacle". Cheaper than bleach??

Wolverine419 said...

Yeah but its his picnic table...

surrounded in columbus said...

well, seeing how tuos plays b-ball in the value city furniture arena, odds are he's a tuos fan.

probably likes to sit in the "dinette" section of the arena.

Out of Conference said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Out of Conference said...

Art: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin: You want to take this one?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Like a nice patio table.

Art: Yeah?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Yeah.

Art: A patio table, huh?

Chris "Oz" Ostreicher: Uh huh.

Art: Wal-Mart or homemade?

-----------------------------------

Art's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of
[hesitates]

Art's Dad: masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud.

[pause]

Art's Dad: I never did it with patio furniture, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

zen wizard said...

kg--

Good point--I don't keep up with it very much, but the last I heard, loyalties in the Toledo are were rather "mixed."

zen wizard said...

D'oh!

Good one on the Patti O'Furniture...I just saw that...

TitleIX said...

random:

spring game will be at Saline HS and not open to the public....

TitleIX said...

seriously tho, this proves to me that some men will put there penises ANY ol' place.

that, or the sheep all ran away...

Out of Conference said...

T9 - are Michigan's spring games usually open to the public?

TitleIX said...

yeppers

god of the whoppers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
god of the whoppers said...

i believe it went something like this:

HUSBAND: Uh, Helen, you need to get over here. And bring my video camera.
WIFE: I'm watching Deal or No Deal.
HUSBAND: No, you need to see this. Because if somebody else doesn't, I'm not gonna believe it's happenin' myself.
WIFE: What the hell is it? A UFO or somethin'?
HUSBAND: Better...
*ART dancing naked on table*:NEEEEEEEEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP...
WIFE:Oh snap! I've just been rick rolled!!!

Sgt. Wolverine said...

If the spring game is at Saline, I guess it makes sense that it's not open to the public; the logistics would be brutal. Saline may have great facilities, but they're not set up for that sort of public event.

Ah, well. At least Vince Helmuth will feel at home.

beast in 'bama said...

If any of you are interested, the stock number on that patio set is 867-5309.

whetstonebuck said...

BiB,

And you know this how?

TitleIX said...

Jenny Jenny who can I turn to???

beast in 'bama said...

I tried my imagination, but I was disturbed...

Out of Conference said...

Nice catch, T9!
---
Art: You were working as a table on a sunny wooden deck
When I met you
I picked you out, I lubed you up, and stuck my junk in you
Turned you into something new
Four times in one day we're on cam-er-a
I guess I'm heading to the pokey.
But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too

Don't, don't you want me. You say you like umbrella, but it's me your really want... don't, don't you want me. You say I disgust you but I really don't believe you...

Table: I was working as a table on a sunny wooden deck.
That much is true.
But even then I knew I'd find a much better thing.
To stick in that hole in me.
The four incidents we have had have been such weird times
You freak me the hell out,
But now I think it's time I stuck with umbrellas
I guess it's just what I must do ....

beast in 'bama said...

Outstanding, OOC! This thing could roll on for days. Yes, the comedy gods are smiling on us all.

Out of Conference said...

Art: Table Jean is not my lover
She's just a eating surface who claims that I am the one,
But the coffee table is not my son.

Out of Conference said...

Thanks, BiB. This thread could definitely wreck billable hours around the MZone nation for days to come.

goat7ed said...

I'm a desk
I'm a desk
Not a table, I'm a desk I'm a desk
Rock me, Art, I'm a desk

Out of Conference said...

Goat7ed - I'm going to need a hint. You've got me stumped.

Mikoyan said...

So will the patio furniture give this guy the cold shower?

"I think you know what you did...."

goat7ed said...

Amadeus
One hit wonder by Falco
There is more shame in knowing it, than not.

TRM073 said...

Eliot Spitzer should have tried this. He would still be my Governor.

GoBlueBob said...

This was the basis for Letterman's top ten list last night.

Top Ten Excuses Of The Man Caught Having Sex With A Picnic Table

Check out the CBS website.