Toto, we're not in Ann Arbor anymore

As much as it pains me to admit it, the pictures below have brought grudging respect for Michigan's hated rivals to the south. To quote Borat, "Reminds me of Ann Arbor...NOT!"




"Ver' Niiiiiice."

No wonder they don't give a damn about the whole state of Michigan. Not with that going on in Ohio! Damn.

Now, while I don't know where the picture above were taken, I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that no cops were called on these girls and no furniture was thrown out. In fact, I'm hoping, if anything, any furniture that came in contact with the two young ladies in the pictures above is being auctioned off on eBay.

(Big HT to FV)

Correction

Dear MZone Reader,

In our post yesterday, we reported that the alleged EMU co-ed from last week was not the first incident of an uninvited guest to allegedly pleasure her or himself at the Pike house on the University of Michigan campus. Our story revealed the "monkey incident" from 2005 in which a small primate also used the Pike house as a masturbatory destination (pictured here)...


However, it has come to our attention that some folks across the blogosphere thought the picture above was not of a baby rhesus monkey but instead a photo of future Notre Dame quarterback Jimmy Clausen (shown here)...


While the confusion is understandable due to the uncanny resemblance between the small zoo animal and the future 5x Heisman winner for the Fighting Irish, we want to make sure people know that these are indeed two different pictures.

Furthermore, we believe the mix up was also fueled by all the Notre Dame haters out there saying "Jimmy Clausen sucks" which, for obvious reasons, led many to believe the top photo was in fact Mr. Clausen.

We apologize for any confusion yesterday's story may have caused and will work harder in the future to be more specific when putting up pictures of nearly identical subjects.

Sincerely,

The MZone Staff

(HT: OOC)

Terror in Ann Arbor (aka "Hey, some chick's diddling herself on our couch!")

Yesterday, our "crack" investigative team here at the MZone blew the lid off the story of the female masturbator who blew the cushions off the couch at the U-M Pike house. That's because, as your #1 source for stories about random girls who show up at fraternities to pleasure themselves for (half) hours on end, we're all over this like the stains on that couch. And rest assured, we will continue to beat the living hell out of this story and over-do it like FOX NEWS' Greta Van Susteren covering the disappearance of a white chick.

As such, it should come as no surprise that we have more information to bring you today.

First off, reader NB sends us a couple of much better photos of the alleged Pike perp (via TotallyCrap.com) as she allegedly left their fraternity house last week.


Now, judging from this latest photo, if this is indeed her, it's becoming, uh...clearer...why the Pike brothers felt compelled to destroy their couches like a bunch of MSU students after midterms.

Furthermore, their reasoning for booting the girl out and calling the police is summed up in this response we received from a member of the house:

"As one of those michigan pikes, I'll say very quickly why we didnt 'join in' and tried to kick her out, i think i can sum it up in about two words: DUKE LACROSSE."

But our favorite picture is the larger, uncropped photo of the alleged Pike visitor from our post yesterday (also via TotallyCrap.com). As you can see, there is a young gentlemen - presumably a student, presumably from the Pike house - shown in the bottom corner...


Man, look at his face. Is that horror over what he just saw? Or disappointment at opportunity lost? We report, you decide (and let us know in the comments section).

Finally, in a shocking new twist to this story, the MZone has learned this isn't the first time something like this has happened at the Pike house in Ann Arbor. In fact, it's the third.

Last semester, a stray dog entered the house and the fraternity brothers who walked in on the animal were confronted by this...


Thankfully, unlike the story of the alleged E.M.U. woman last week, the dog only stayed 20 minutes, no furniture was lost and the pup, renamed "Bootsy," is now the official house mascot of the U-M Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity.

And though we are just finding out the details, there was what the Pikes simply refer to as "the monkey incident" during Rush Week in '05 when they discovered the following behind their house...


Sources are telling us that many attribute this incident to the Pike's less-than-steller pledge class of '05.

Ed. Note: There is no truth to the rumor that the monkey found out behind the Pike house was also an Eastern Michigan University student as well.

Stay tuned to the MZone for continuous, round the clock coverage as this story develops (or as we think of shit to keep us from working and help you to procrastinate).

Female Masturbator Strikes PIKES

Ann Arbor police are searching - and so are we at the MZone - for a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity last Thursday...and began to masturbate on a couch. And while police are looking to arrest her, we're just hoping to meet her after details of her, uh, "crime spree" were revealed in the Michigan Daily this week.

Apparently, while members of the PIKE house were eating in the dining room, the woman entered the frat's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating. Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour according to the fraternity's president.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. Before we move on with the facts of this story, couple...questions here. First of all, they asked her to leave?! As in put your clothes on and stop?? They didn't make her a little sister on the spot? Or call national, say thanks and ask why they just won chapter of the year? Second...

A half an hour?!?! So let me see if I understand this correctly: an entire group of fraternity brothers couldn't remove one naked, masturbating girl from their fraternity house for 30 minutes?! Yeah, those guys must have really laid down the law and demanded she "leave" pronto: "Ok, I'm telling you for the last time - Get the hell out of here...if you want to. When you're finished. In another 15 to 20 minutes. Unless you need more time. Do you understand me?!"

Well done, boys. Well done.

Ok, back to the details of this "case"...

When the PIKE brothers asked the girl if she was alright, she "casually" replied she was fine, kept masturbating and even started talking on her cellphone at one point. She eventually left wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police. However, the woman had already disappeared when police arrived minutes later (or what authorities are calling the fasted recorded response time in the history of the Ann Arbor PD).

Uh, hold on. Hold on. With more details come more questions. Such as...

Just how fucking ugly was this girl for a group of college fraternity brothers to first ask her to please stop masturbating in their fraternity house and, when she refuses, they call the police on this predator?!

Okay, more facts...

According to the police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.

"Obviously, she was very disturbed," said PIKE president Dan Nye. "It was not how a normal person would respond to people."

I agree. Until I read the more about the police report...

The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University.

EMU? Ahhhh, finally, a few things about this "horrific crime" are starting to make some sense.

But the most shocking thing about this case (that surely must be terrorizing fraternity row in Ann Arbor) is revealed at the end of the Daily story when Nye reports that his fraternity will throw out two couches in the living room of the PIKE house because of the incident.

Uh...come again?

Now folks, I think this definitely answers any questions about how, shall we say, not-beautiful this EMU "vandal" was. Because I've been in many fraternity houses over the years. The halls reek of musty, decades old booze from keggers past. The carpeting often smells of urine mixed with a variety of other bodily fluids. And even if the entire pledge class vomits all over their couches, they usually just flip over the cushions.

So if a college fraternity threw out their couches after a single girl was masturbating on them, I think it's safe to say the, uh, "manhunt" in Ann Arbor is focused on finding one butt fugly chick.

Not to get all Columbo here but, uh, one final question that has me baffled, gentleman...

In this day and age when there's more footage of a fading comic's racial slur than a presidential assassination just two generations ago, where are the cellphone pictures? And how come a video clip of this "vicious attack" wasn't posted on YouTube within 20 minutes? I'm just saying.

ED. NOTE: If any of our MZone readers are members of the PIKE house, for the love of all that is good in the world, please drop us a line.

UPDATE: This is why Benny and I love our readers. EL sends us the picture below he got from a buddy of the alleged PIKE perp leaving the house (which we've added a little text to)...

Now, naturally Benny and I are going to send this over to the MZone forensics lab for further testing but upon an initial, cursory inspection, I don't know if she's "couch thrower" material. I mean, maybe a La-Z-Boy or two. Possibly a futon. But two couches? Damn.

Just like the admissions standards, the bar for who fraternities want masturbating inside their houses has really been raised at Michigan since my day.

And as thousands of men across America continue to squint away at the picture above and curse the low resolution of cellphone cameras, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

BCS: No Upsets Here

In a result about as surprising as Joe Paterno wearing floods, the Cardinal (Sin) Cheerleader easily defeated Rocky "Top" in the latest edition of the one, the only Blog Co-ed Showdown. C(S)C collected almost 85% of the votes cast and cruised to victory, becoming the final co-ed to punch her ticket for the Elite Eight.

So, sit back, check out the latest bracket and brace yourself as the longest running contest on the web ever-so-slowly winds down toward its thrilling conclusion.

Dumbest college student in America. Final answer.

Poor Chase Sampson.

A college junior and Dean's List member at Middle Tennessee State University outside of Nashville, Sampson had the shortest appearance we've ever seen on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire when he missed the first question. You know, the $100 gimme they use to start folks off just to make them feel good. The one in which the fourth choice isn't even really a choice at all but a punchline intended to get a laugh. The question most farm animals can answer.

But not Chase...



How 'bout that reaction when he realizes his mistake? Priceless.

So, after Chase, who's most embarrassed by all this? We're guessing Middle Tennessee State officials. Uh, just what are the requirements to make the Dean's List there? A pulse?

The $100 question we have for our female readers is this: Would Chase have a better chance with you because you feel sorry for him, or is he just too big of an idiot to even hook up with?

Use a lifeline if you have to.

Apparently the "t" in "tOSU" stands for taser...

O-H...I-O - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Two-Minute Drill

Spanning the blogosphere...

* Brian over at MGoBlog is reporting that Michigan back-up QB (and soon to be third string with the recent arrival of Ryan Mallett) is transferring to Stanford.

* So, are you a college football fan who's real good at yelling at the TV when your team plays...but no so good at understanding just what the hell is actually going on down there on the field? Well, the good folks at EDSBS have the answer for you with the introduction of their Football 101 series.

* ND DT Chris Stewart brags about his new diet which include the oh-so-healthy "100 whole wheat Krispy Kreme donut." (HT: DW)

West Quad Story

In a move that surprised no one, Michigan coach Lloyd Carr has booted TE Carson Butler, DE Eugene Germany and DB Chris Richards off the team following their recent legal troubles.

Last month, Germany was ticketed for marijuana possession - which is right up there with jaywalking in terms of consequences in A2...unless you play on the football team. Couple that with the fact that the tight end also pleaded guilty to two counts of resisting arrest last year and Carr bid auf wiedersehen to Germany.

Butler and Richards are facing assualt charges for allegedly beating the snot out of some poor kid in West Quad. According to MLive.com, on March 18th, the kid went to a friend's dorm room looking to borrow an iron when Richards entered and accused the iron-seeking student of "talking crap" in a class.

The kid responded by telling Richards, "I don't know who you are. I don't know why you're bothering me.'' Richards responded by punching him in the face before Butler joined the beating.

The kid ended up in the emergency room with a bruised face and bleeding out of the ears (no word if he ended up getting the iron).

Now, while I have a very small amount of sympathy for Germany (kicked off the team and losing his weed?! Damn!), I have zero sympathy for Butler and Richards and say good riddance. This kind of thug mentality should never be tolerated. Period. Maybe this is the kind of shit that happens when you try to borrow an iron over at Markley. You don't know what bad is until you've been confronted on 5th Van Tyne by a couple of sophomores from Long Island. And maybe this is the way they roll at Alice Lloyd. But what is the world coming to when living in West Quad is now no better than the constant fear that comes from being housed in Bursley?

Holy Buckmobile!

What kind of college football fan makes a video tribute to their piece of shit car set to the music of Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings? Behold...


Ohio State car - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Sweet Jesus! Uh, I think that was supposed to be pro-OSU...right? I ask because if Benny and I were going to make a video mocking OSU, the two clips would be identical!

On the other hand, I can understand why the Tosu fan/car owner in the clip was so bummed to say good-bye to the ol' "Diddy 1." I mean, just look at that ride, folks. Two words: Babe machine. He probably had to beat them off with a stick.

Oh, and no, we didn't even notice the owner of the "Diddy 1" was sporting a Buckstache.

The answer to those long bathroom lines at the Big House?

I just want to see what their women's model looks like.

If he runs away from home at 3, this is why

Ok, we usually don't update too often during the day (damn work bullshit) but for this next story which a couple of you have sent us (and we also saw on EDSBS), we'll make an exception. It's too good to wait.

Now, we've all heard about the ultra-rabid college football fans who name their dogs, kids, cars, mother-in-laws, whatever after their beloved team. And 'Bama fans Tim and Hannah Witt did just that, naming their first son after the Crimson Tide, now-23 month old Tyde Timothy Witt.

Ok, that's not too bad. I mean, if the kid ends up hating the school, he can always go by "Ty." It could have been worse.

Such as what happened to Tyde's poor brother born on Tuesday. The (dim)Witts named this poor little boy after 'Bama's new head coach, Nick Saban. The kid's name: Saban Hardin Witt.

Uh, do these parents not realize they just named their kid after a guy whose longevity track record is so bad, ol' Nick might be gone from Tuscaloosa before little "Sab" is out of diapers? Christ, most kids teethe longer than Coach Saban stays at one place. Naming your kid after Saban when he becomes your coach is almost as bad as naming him after Dennis Erickson.

At least they should have prepared for the inevitable by making his middle name, "Buy Out Clause" or "Leaving to Pursue Other Options."



(HT: CCS, Adam)

Beer Bong Friday

Mike over at Black Shoe Diaries sends us this clip (via AOL Fanhouse) from the world of NASCAR that actually serves two purposes: it acts as our "Beer Bong Friday" clip (about 1 minute in) and also illustrates in numbing detail just how ass-boring NASCAR is.



Okay, okay, props to any "sport" that has fans openly doing beer bongs right in the stands. But I would rather sand paper my balls with cheese grater than sit through 200 laps of this shit.

Look at the fans all just sitting there on their hands looking bored with ear protectors on. Gee, where do I sign up for that excitement? Yeah, hey, better bring my beer bong into the stands. God forbid I'm on a Pabst Blue Ribbon run and miss three laps of cars going in circles.

Oh, wait, you mean there's also a chance I could be killed if a car slams into the wall near my seats? Woo hoo! Let's bring the kids.

Too Funny Not To Post: Hollywood Edition

I guess the clips below are examples of what folks in Hollywood mean when you hear people had "creative differences" on the set of their movies.

Apparently both outtakes are from a film called I HEART HUCKABEE from a couple years ago. In the first, Lily Tomlin is having some, uh, issues with her director of the movie named David Russell.

Lily Tomlin fights with David O. Russell
Uploaded by omgfrank

In this outtake of another scene, Tomlin is again not happy with her director. But this time he shares his "creative differences" with her...

David O. Russell screams at Lily Tomlin
Uploaded by omgfrank

Can you imagine if that went on in your workplace? Wow!

Gee, has it really been a year already?

Today marks the one year anniversary since the infamous Colin Cowherd Controversy here at the MZone. After our readers and many in the blogosphere rallied to our support, following some nasty email exchanges, Mr. Cowherd gave us full credit for the bit five days later and the issue was resolved.

Today, we look back by reprinting in its entirety the definitive account of the crisis, "A Nation Remembers: Five Days in March" from our March 29, 2006 edition.

On Wednesday, March 22, eight jokes from the M Zone were used on Colin Cowherd's nationally syndicated ESPN Radio show. For five days, the nation held it's collective breath as this crisis continued to escalate. Would Cowherd attack from the flank with another email assault? Would the MZone boys fire back with another PhotoShop salvo? There seemed to be no end in sight until the crisis ended with Mr. Cowherd's March 27th radio broadcast.

Reporter Bob Pickler was embedded at MZone headquarters during the entire Cowherd/MZone controversy. Below is his report during the final hours of the heated conflict.

Emotions were all over the map at MZone headquarters as the staff listened to ESPN Radio and Colin Cowherd's show Monday during which he gave full props to the MZone for the Wonderlic test read on his show last week. As word of Cowherd's remarks began to spread outside the MZone headquarters, church bells rang, car horns blared and one only-slightly-overweight girl even considered kissing Wangs (but didn't).

"Our long period of national suffering is now over," said co-editor Benny after returning from an undisclosed location where he rode out the conflict. MZone founder Yost had decided it was best for Benny to stay in a separate, secure location in case ESPN brass attempted a decapitating strike against MZone HQ during the bruhaha that very nearly escalated into a donnybrook.

"It was strictly a precaution, but one we felt we needed to take," said Yost. "When the Onepeat fanatics joined the fray and started leaving comments, it was simply the prudent course of action."

College football fans across America knew something was seriously amiss when even Buckeye fans rallied around the maize and blue cause.

"That could have been us in their shoes," said O-Zone member MichiganCan LickMyBigHairy NutSack427. "But by the grace of God - and by God, I mean Tressel - that could have been one of our 'Fuck Michigan, you cock sucking faggots!' bits being read on the air with no credit. Although, we are trying to trademark "Fuck Michigan" so that will never be a problem. Either way, we supported them this time. Now that it's over, we think they're all big fags again. 4-1! We own you bitches!!"

Even Michigan State fans weighed in saying they'd support their hated intra-state rivals if it meant "we can burn couches and stuff if there are riots."

But, with a simple four and a half minute address to the nation Monday afternoon, Colin Cowherd defused the situation and the crisis was no more.

"We here at the M Zone owe a sincere debt of gratitude to all those who supported us during the darkest hours of this crisis," said an obviously relieved Yost while watching the Ohio State Video Chick clip for the 783rd time. "To Deadspin, EDSBS, MGoBlog, Fark, TuckerMax, VodkaPundit, FireJoeMorgan, DawgSports, Burnt Orange Nation, MaizeNBrew and so many others, thank you."

Rumors quickly spread that things at the MZone would now return to normal. BaggyPantsDevil was more pointed, saying, "I hope this means we can go back to semi-naked cheerleaders and shit."

Postscript: As you can see, a lot has changed in the last year. Hell, we haven't heard from the above-mentioned "Wangs" here at the MZone in months. Apparently he started doing this really crazy thing that prevents blogging called, uh, working at his job and dating girls. Quitter. Thankfully, the semi-naked cheerleaders are still a staple of the site.

Join us again next March 22nd when we don't feel like writing new material for the site for the second anniversary of the controversy and another reprint of this story.

With ADs like these....

Michigan Athletic Director Bill Martin isn't a favorite around these parts. The man who's increased football ticket prices exponentially seems to take a relaxed view of his position at the university. Many times, it seems he's more interested in sailing than in running what is essentially a major corporation.

And while Martin's approach doesn't sit well with many Wolverine fans, we should probably be happy he's not more like Ron Guenther.

Guenther, the University of Illinois Athletic Director, will not be disciplined for his actions while attending Illinois' first-round loss to Virginia Tech in the NCAA Tournament on Friday. Guenther, who was sitting on press row, was seen "pounding on the table in front of him, standing up to glare at officials, yelling substitution advice to coach Bruce Weber and reacting
to a Warren Carter turnover by calling Carter 'an idiot,'" according to CBS Sportsline's Greg Doyel, who was one seat over from Guenther.

And how did Guenther react when he found out that Doyel's story was getting play on the Interwebs? He issued the obligatory and lame "If I offended anyone, I'm sorry" non-apology, but then he blamed the messenger. According to the Chicago Tribune,

Guenther....sounded more upset with Doyel than himself. "I feel badly that he felt he had to print it," Guenther said. "The Internet has changed everything. Comments can be posted with no responsibility. It's hard to know who you can trust. I guess it's the world we live in."

Who's the one being irresponsible here, Mr. Guenther? A reporter who's actually doing his job by reporting what he's seen a public figure do, or a 61 year-old man - the head of the athletic department at a major, prestigious university - acting like a child in public?

Breaking News: Two U-M Players Accused of St. Patrick's Day Assualt

Soon-to-be-long-gone tight end Carson Butler and DB Christian Richards III were arraigned today on assualt charges after police said they attacked a fellow student in a dorm on St. Patrick's Day.

They two were each charged with one count of aggravated assault and one count of assault and battery. The student who was attacked said he did not know why he was targeted.

Coming on the heels of Butler being already suspended from the team for the spring (along with Eugene Germany and Adrian Arrington), this does not bode well for his future in A2.

Richards was a reserve who had five tackles last year. According to the A2 News, in addition to the charges stemming from Saturday's incident, Richards has another case pending. He was charged with illegal entry on campus last year. Richards failed to appear for his arraignment on that charge, and a bench warrant had been issued for his arrest.

Nice going, assholes.

(HT: RL)

MORE BREAKING NEWS

Looks like we now know what Germany was booted for. The Ann Arbor News is reporting he was ticketed for marijuana possession last month. Germany admitted responsibility and paid a $50 fine on February 20th.

"Line Backer Evangalism"

Reading NEWSWEEK yesterday, I see this story about a new evangelical Internet site called GodTube.com which the NEWSWEEK piece described as the Christian answer to YouTube. The site is still in its beta phase yet gets between 50,000 to 60,000 unique users a day.

So I check it out. I mean, Benny and I are always looking for additional outlets that might be right for our material here at the MZone.

Poking around, I find a parody of the the Sir Mix-A-Lot song, "Baby Got Back" called "Baby Got Bible," another parody of the Mac vs. PC ads and a rant posted by someone called SoldierInGodsArmy called "Christians don't use circular logic!!!" (yes, with three exclamation points) showing some guy wearing all black - including a black ski mask - that makes it look like one of those all-too-familiar terrorist videos.

But What Would Jesus View? Well, if he's a sports fan...

Remember the Terry Tate: Office Linebacker commercials (which were actually based on a short film)? Check out "Line Backer Evangalism" below (which, based on the spelling of linebacker, was apparently made by Christian who isn't exactly a huge football fan. And based on the spelling of evangelism, not much of an evangelist either).



Unfortunately, the biggest sin of the clip is...it's not funny. The Lord should really look into hiring an editor as hell to me would be having to watch that video over and over again for all eternity.

MZone Caption Contest

We swear we didn't Photoshop this picture. In fact, our resident Photoshop expert, Benny, examined it and said the "O" looks legit.

Sweet Jesus! Behold...

Folks, this could be the scariest thing we've ever put up on the MZone...which makes it perfect for another Caption Contest!

Here's what we came up with...

Before running in Columbus' annual "Burning of the Couches" race, Gary decided to eat his friends "H," "I," and "O."

Leave us your best in the comments section.

(HT: SB)

Two-Minute Drill

Finally catching up on some of the email readers have been sending us.

* With the firing of basketball coach Tommy Amaker, looks like this disgruntled Michigan fan can stop cheering for Ohio State as his wish has come true.

(HT: JK)

* A 91-year-old man has challenged fitness guru, Jack LaLanne, 92, to a fight. Jesus, you know how high younger boxers wear their belts. Guys this age? They'll be pulled up just below their larynxes.

* A Michigan lawmaker wants to legalize NCAA Office Basketball pools. No word on when Rick Neuheisel became a Michigan lawmaker.

* Our good friend DevilGrad lets us know about what he calls the "MAC scheduling clusterfuck."

* Jim Tressel's mother used to beat people with umbrellas at football games. Don't take our word for it, let Jimmy tell you (about 3:30 in).

(HT: JH)

Gabe Watson - What a Douchebag

After a weekend of trying to remember what it was like to have a team in the NCAA tournament, we almost missed out on a story about a total asshole move by former Wolverine Gabe Watson. But, thanks to Deadspin, we bring it to you now.

In a nutshell, before Watson left Michigan, he bought a Dodge Charger which his old high school coach was cool enough to co-sign for (totally legal under NCAA rules and known to the Michigan athletic department at the time). But, as Deadspin writes, "Watson and his dad were supposed to make the payments, they didn't, it became Jones' responsibility, and, well, high school coaches don't have $500+ a month to burn on an NFL player's Dodge Charger."

Not only were the bills piling up for the coach but his credit rating was going in the shitter faster than Watson's pro career.

Luckily, a local Detroit TV station caught wind of the story, reported it and the dealership relieved the high school coach of his financial obligation. But Watson still owes and has ignored requests to respond.

Now, we could look at the bright side and be thankful that it's not some scandal about a Michigan booster getting stuck with the note. But let's face it: Watson is an embarrassment to Michigan. He was one of the biggest underachievers in Wolverine history and was in Lloyd Carr's doghouse so much he had his mail forwarded there. Lloyd should have kicked him off the team long before his disappointing senior season.

However, as this story clearly shows, Watson is an even bigger underachiever as a human being.

Achy Breaky Buckeye

We'd like to tell you this picture is from 1986.

But it's not.

Apparently, not only do Buckeye fans not give a damn about the whole state of Michigan...but they don't care much for modern hair styles, either.

(HT: SpankyToes for sending and to Jeremy who has been hosting this pic)

"Georgia fans are foul, foul, foul."

Man, I love cute, probably drunk co-eds talking college football...

Colin Cowherd Rips Michigan Football

Our good buddy Colin Cowherd has a field day ripping Michigan football in the clip below (which was obviously posted by a Tosu fan as you'll discover from the pics put with the clip).

Furthermore, even though it was just recently posted on YouTube, the actual Cowherd audio seems to be from last year. In any event, here it is...



You know, Colin Cowherd has become the Bill O'Reilly of sports talk show hosts in that it's all about inflaming, poking or prodding instead of providing any real insight. He knows it's much harder to develop and keep an audience being good so instead he opts for hyperbole and loud (or taking material from bloggers). He's like an older brother on a cross country family trip who puts his fingers right in front of his little sibling's face just to annoy him and get a reaction. And when ol' Dad tells the brat to stop touching his little brother, the bigger kid's shocked response is always, "What? I'm not touching him."

In addition, if you listened to the entire five minute clip, the guy says the same thing over and over and over again. We get it, Michigan had a bad draft last year. In fact, we got it, oh, the first 50 times you said it. So why does he keep hammering the point? Simply to get a reaction. Period. It's not funny. It's not insightful. It's simply intended to provoke.

In fact, he's not the Bill O'Reilly of sports hosts. He's more like Ann Coulter.

(HT: JW)

Greatest Rivals Thread Ever

To wash the taste of Colin Cowherd from your mouth, we present this dandy from MZone reader BK which he (correctly) calls the "Greatest Thread Ever." It's from the UNC Rivals board and it...well...here's a preview. And don't blame us if you don't get your work done.





STOP THE PRESS: MZone contributor and finder of female flesh, The King, has informed us that all of the pictures on that thread came from one place - BinkyBoodle's Flickr page which we've conveniently linked to here. So if you want to, uh, "peruse" without having to scroll past the "sig pic" of the young son of the guy who put the photos up on that UNC board, we have now made that possible. We have also made possible the likelihood you will be fired for wasting time at work viewing pictures of hot girls. But hey, that's your problem.

Lucha Hacia Adelante

Last week, over $200 million in U.S. currency was found inside a house in Mexico City last by government authorities (shown below).


Officials remain puzzled about the money since, after scouring all of the Rivals.com and Scout.com boards, as well as all of Tom Lemming's reports, they haven't been able to find one mention of USC recruiting a player from Mexico City. Nor does Reggie Bush's father own a home there.

ED. NOTE: Upon further review, this was a long way to go for a cheap joke. In fact, we're going to call this joke a Cowherd. No, not because it was stolen from some poor blogger but because it's just a lazy attempt at an easy laugh based on half-truths and poking fun at a fan base. Hmmm, maybe if we said it 15 times really loud it would be good...

Buckstache Hall of Fame

This one left us shaking our heads: Andrew Riley, a 13 year-old Ohio 7th grader, is accused of - wait for it - 128 felony charges including theft, vandalism and witness intimidation (yes, witness intimidation!).

Holy shit! One hundred and twenty-eight felony charges?! Most 7th graders haven't gone to gym class that many times!

And where the hell were his parents?! A lot was cleared up for me when I watched the Columbus news story about the little thug. The kid's stepfather said something to the effect of, "We expected a few charges to come out of all this, but nothing like the number he's been charged with." You know, like 5, 6 or 48 would be a-ok. Typical "kid's stuff." Uh, hey, Mr. Brady, one - one - felony charge is too many!

Now, some may call our journalistic ethics into question for even covering this story, saying he's just a kid and we're being too harsh on young Mr. Corleone Riley. But, folks, I have to tell you, my sympathy train for the little urchin left the station around the 75th felony charge.

Furthermore, others (probably fans of that school to the south which is still playing in a basketball tournament) may not be pleased with us lumping Scarface Pimpleface into our popular (except in Ohio) "Buckstache" category of Tosu players, fans and players-to-be who have gotten into trouble with the law.

But don't blame us the kid was sporting his Tosu best in all the news stories about his crime spree. And while it's true that he doesn't actually have a Buckstache in the picture above, that's only because his robbin' and witness intimidatin' days started before puberty did. Thus, below is an artist's rendition (aka Benny's mad Photoshop skillz) showing what he will look like when his sure-to-come "Buckstache" grows in...


(HT to all the readers who sent us this story)

The Bigger House?

The Dallas Cowboys are in the midst of building a new stadium in Arlington, Texas that, structurally at least, will be the largest football stadium in America. The one billion dollar stadium will be 750 feet wide and reports say the Statue of Liberty will fit under its reclosable roof. No word, that we know of, on seating capacity.

Yet, no matter how big it is, it can't top the original "Big House," shown below during its dedication in 1927.



And contrary to popular opinion, no, this isn't the last time Michigan actually beat Ohio State (although it feels like it sometimes).

(HT: AJS)

I wonder if it was a clip of the ASU cheerleader?

Folks watching a health show featuring former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw on Phoenix-area TV station KPPX were lucky shocked when the program was temporarily replaced with hardcore pornography.

Station officials have said it was an act of "human sabotage" and "any implicated employees will face strict disciplinary action and termination."

And no, neither Benny nor I work at KPPX. However, we'd like to officially extend an offer of a staff writing position here at the MZone to the soon-to-be-former KPPX employee who pulled this prank after he gets fired.

Buckeye Jesus?

For years, Notre Dame fans have led the college football world to believe that the Lord was on their side, often pointing to Touchdown Jesus watching over their stadium as evidence (along with other indicators such as the fact that they can get a BCS bid despite two ugly losses and no quality wins).

But in the words of Lee Corso, "Not so fast, my friend."

Judging from the picture below of the popular Buckeye "O-H-I-O" cheer, could the Holy Spirit actually be an Ohio State fan? As always, we report, you decide...


Of course, while this makes the case for Ohio State very compelling, there is no truth to the rumor that the back of the Lord's robe in the picture above reads, "Ann Arbor is a Whore.

However, for those Notre Dame fans who still insist that "Touchdown Jesus" pre-dates "Buckeye Jesus" shown above and thus proves the Son of Man is an Irish fan, we offer the additional stunning evidence below that the Messiah might actually be a supporter of that school in Columbus...


Furthermore, the MZone has learned that after betraying Jesus, Judas was arrested on his donkey carrying a bottle of Grey Goose vodka and a lint roller.

(HT: DRP)

Cue the Crickets

So I saw 300 the other night.

No, I'm not referring to the movie about the Greek battle against the invading Persians. I'm talking about the number of Michigan fans who showed up at Crisler arena for the Wolverines' first round NIT game against Utah State.

Ok, ok, so I exaggerate...barely.

Actually, an estimated 3,000 folks showed up for this dog show, with some saying even that number was "generous." The "official" number was 3,114, the lowest attendance in the Amaker era.

But what can you expect when even Michigan's own players are saying things like, "We're in, so we might as well go play," as Brent Petway did. Gee, if the players aren't enthused about being there, is it any shocker that the fans aren't either?

"That Is Possible. Maybe Not Probable."

Lloyd Carr revealed on Wednesday that Michigan will be without star RB Mike Hart and three others for spring practice which begins on Saturday. Hart is recovering from a medical procedure, while WR Adrian Arrington, TE Carson Butler, and DE Eugene Germany will not be with the team for unspecified reasons.

Hart had an arthroscopic procedure but Carr said it was nothing major and didn't seem concerned with his star running back missing time. Hart is intimately familiar with the offense and his absence will give backups such as Brandon Minor more practice time.

However, the cases of Arrington, Butler and Germany are far more intriguing with Carr's evasiveness about them suggesting disciplinary reasons for their dismissals from spring ball.

Arrington started all 13 games for the Wolverines last season, catching 40 passes, the most of any returning player. On the flips side, he was also involved in an off-field domestic violence charge that was subsequently dropped.

Butler started 12 games and caught 19 passes, though it seemed he dropped just as many. He stood to be the starting tight end going into the season.

Germany had three tackles in eight games.

When asked if those three players would be back on the team in the fall, Carr said, "That is possible. Maybe not probable." And considering that news flows out of the Michigan football office about as freely as it did from behind the old Iron Curtain, I think we won't know the answer to that question until close to the time Appalachian State visits Ann Arbor on September 1st. But right now, it doesn't look good.

MSU Prof Arrested for Biting Police Officer

Man bites dog? Ha, that's nothing when it comes to the MSU faculty.

John D. McCallie, an associate MSU economics professor and husband of MSU women's basketball coach Joanne P. McCallie, became hostile after his bag was lost at a Florida airport and bit the finger of a police officer.

He was then arrested on charges of resisting arrest with violence and battery on a law enforcement official.

According to The State News, the McCallies had flown to Florida for an annual vacation to unwind between the Big Ten Tournament and the NCAA Tournament.

Arriving at the airport, the couple realized they were missing one of three bags. When the McCallies spoke with airport officials about it, they were told they would need the baggage claim tickets that were attached to their other two bags before the flight.

Having thrown the tickets away upon receiving the first two bags but hearing he would need the tickets to verify the missing luggage, McCallie started going through the trash bin to search for the tickets.

"He apparently then dumped some trash on the floor and couldn't find it and dumped another out, and at that time, people were taking note," an airport official said.

During the trash mulling, a police officer approached McCallie. A scuffle ensued as McCallie became more hostile and bit the police officer on the finger. It then took more than one officer to subdue him.

McCallie was released on a $2,700 bond and was expected to continue his work at MSU this week, according to an MSU spokesman.

Uh, forget biting the cop, here's my big problem with this story: What the hell kind of coach takes a little "Florida vacation" right before leading their team in the NCAA tournament?! I would be pissed if that was my coach. Can you even imagine Tom Izzo jetting off to Boca after the Spartans lost in the Big Ten tourney in order to get a little tanning in before the NCAAs started this week?! He'd be fired on the spot.

2007 Michigan Football Season T-shirt

Today is the last day for season ticket holders to vote to help decide the winning design for the official 2007 Michigan football season t-shirt. This year's theme is "The Team, The Team, The Team" in honor of Bo Schembechler's famous speech. And the four nominees are...


(HT: AJS)

New ESPN Commercial

First there was the ESPN "Without sports" commercial of the Ohio State/Michigan couple making out on the couch. Now comes this one...



(Props again to KE who initially sent us the pic via Break.com and to Zach for inspiring the commercial idea)

Tom "The Seed" Brady

First comes word that former Michigan QB Tom Brady's ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, is pregnant. Now, rumors are swirling that Brady's current girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, is also pregnant with his child.

Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom. For cryin' out loud. It's called a rubber.

Bundchen's family is denying the claim.

And in an odd twist to the story, Anna Nicole Smith's former loser lover, Howard K. Stern, is claiming that he is pregnant with Tom Brady's child.

(Thanks to all the readers who sent us this tip)

We're baaaack!

After a relaxing, week-long blogging break, Benny and I have returned to ruin both your careers and ours with plenty of crap for your procrastinating enjoyment.

So sit back and scroll down to your heart's content.

March Madness: Return of the Blog Co-Ed Showdown

Yeah, yeah, we know we took waaaaay too long to fill out the final two spots of our bracket but we didn't want to put just anybody in there. Have to be careful. Don't want to let some hack in. That would be like, I dunno, putting Michigan's basketball team in the NCAA tournament (Ziiiiing!).

Now, before we get to the showdown between our final two seeds, let's refresh, shall we? First, below is the bracket (click here for a larger view).

And to see what happened in the rest of the first round, click here and scroll down to find the previous BCS posts.

Ok, with that out of the way, after much careful consideration/procrastination, we have finally selected our final two BCS contestants. Today, our #6 seed, the Louisville Cardinal (Sin) Cheerleader, goes head-to...head with our #11 seed, UT's Rocky "Top" Internet Hostess.

The University of Louisville cheerleader gained Internet infamy with some very racy photos (NSFW) that would make former Idol Antonella Barba blush (also NSFW but nothing compared to the first link). Meanwhile, Rocky "Top" is UT junior who came to our attention via her YouTube posts about Vol football. In them, she wore a shirt that, well, uh, what was she saying about football again?

SCOUTING REPORT

School:

Cardinal (Sin): University of Louisville
Rocky "Top": Tennessee

Claim to Fame:

Rocky "Top": Espousing the virtues of Vol football on YouTube
Cardinal (Sin): Exposing her virtues while using a battery-operated tube

Fashion Statement:

Rocky "Top": A plunging neckline and large breasts make any points about football seem...better
Cardinal (Sin): Nudity+Sex Toys=Internet Fame

Quote:

Rocky "Top": Said that seeing a game at Neyland Stadium makes you "literally shake in the stadium" (and made us want to be sitting next to her during that moment)
Cardinal (Sin): "Ok, but you promise you're not going to show anybody these pictures if I do that?"

Impressed Us When:

Rocky "Top": Said the shaking line without a hint of irony considering her outfit
Cardinal (Sin): Uh, she's still impressing us. Although I don't think Benny's boss appreciates him using those pictures as a screensaver.

Disappointed Us When:

Rocky "Top": Did more of these YouTube shows
Cardinal (Sin): We couldn't find more pictures of her on the Internet

In Ten Years She'll Be:

Rocky "Top": A sideline reporter on ESPN 8 - "The Ocho" - covering professional ping pong
Cardinal (Sin): The ex-Mrs. Yost (hey, fuck you all, it's my blog)

Line:

Who are we kidding? Unless only folks from UT vote, it's the Cardinal in a rout (hell, I can't even imagine Vol fans not picking the Louisville lass in this one). And if she does win, it sets up a very intriguing showdown with Jenn Sterger in the quarters.

To cast a ballot for your favorite, click here to vote or leave us a comment.

You can put lipstick on a pig...but it's still the NIT

Got an email from the Michigan athletic department letting me know that I can now purchase NIT tickets. The email said there is a limit of four and they're being sold on a "first come, first served" basis.

It was the best laugh I had all day.

Who buys these? For ten bucks I'd rather go see a Lindsay Lohan movie than watch Michigan-Utah State in the NIT. And as bad as that first option is, I'm probably not alone. "Limit of four?" Ha. Haha. Hahahaha. Damn, might have to pull some strings to try to get my hands on six.

And how much must it suck ass to have to write and send out those NIT emails to Michigan alums, students and ticket holders with a straight face? Gee, should I pay the $10 now or try to scalp them for 50 cents plus a McDonald's coupon from the homeless guy outside Crisler holding the "Will sell NIT tix for food" sign?

The U-M press release about the NIT bid states:

"The Maize and Blue closed out the regular season with a 21-12 overall record and an 8-8 mark in Big Ten play. U-M finished the campaign tied with intrastate rival Michigan State for seventh place in the league. The No. 8-seeded Wolverines lost in the Big Ten Tournament quarterfinal (March 9) to No. 1-seeded Ohio State, 72-62.

The 20-plus win season is the second straight for the Wolverines, and Michigan's third in the last four years under U-M coach Tommy Amaker. The Wolverines were 17-3 in Crisler Arena this season; the record ranks as the second most wins in the 40-year history of the arena. U-M needs one more win at home to tie the all-time mark set during the 1985-86 campaign (18-1)."

Nice try with the lipstick, guys.

Sunday, Buckeye Sunday

MZone reader Surrounded in Columbus sent us the pictures below of folks waiting in line yesterday at the Polaris Mall in Columbus...

So what was happening that was so damn exciting on a Sunday afternoon in C-bus? No, there wasn't a new Vin Diesel movie playing at the theatre. Turns out former Buckeye QB Troy Smith was signing autographs from 2-4pm. Interesting since that would have conflicted with the 3pm tip-off of the Tosu-Wisco Big 10 Championship basketball game.

Then again, how often can you get your son's "Fuck Michigan" shirt signed by a Heisman Trophy winning QB?

Where'd I put my iPod again...?

I'm always losing that damn thing.


Saw the above SI.com pic on Insomniac's Lounge and had to post it. Any complaints even though it has nothing to do with college football?

ED. NOTE: See related post below.

Support for a fellow blogger

In going to Derek's Insomniac's Lounge site to grab the URL for the hyperlink in the post above, I noticed the following from Saturday:

Life has taken a twist for me. I don't talk about my "real" life much in The Lounge since this site is meant to be a diversion from real life. I have a four year-old son, Tyler, and this week, he was diagnosed with cancer. He is responding well to chemotherapy, and we are all very hopeful for a full recovery. However, we have a long road ahead, and this site has become an afterthought in my mind. I'm sure I won't be updating for the next week or two, and after that, who knows...

I'm taking an optimistic approach, and at some point, I think life will resume some sense of normalcy. But that is a bit of a ways away. Until then, I'd like to thank all of my readers for indulging me the past year and a half. Tho we've never met, I consider many of you to be friends.

Wishing you all laughter, peace, and plenty of March Madness.

So long for now,

Derek
aka Insomniac

Folks, while we obviously take a very light-hearted approach to things on this site, Derek's post really got me. And though we've never met, our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family during this difficult time.

Beer Bong Friday

Ok, we're officially back next week, but couldn't resist this dandy to send you off into the weekend.

Beer Bong Rule #482: Watch out for dentures.



(HT: Gabe)

P.S.Oh, and in case you're wondering what sort of things we're cooking up for our return, we've filled out the final two spots in a little thing called the Blog Co-ed Showdown...

Will play "Running with the Devil" for food

Nothing to do with college football but...

...what the fuck happened to Eddie Van Halen?


Holy shit! I thought this was a story on some homeless guy before I read the blurb next to the picture. A post on the band's website said EVH is entering rehab. Unfortunately, from the looks of this picture, the post isn't from, oh, 10 years ago.

Still still away but...

...They keep pulling me back in.

JW sends us this story from Chicago Sports Review that listed the 10 biggest all-time sports blogosphere stories. In it, yours truly made the list for the infamous Cowherd Controversy from last spring (gee, has it really been a year already?).

Still away but...

Wanted to tell folks stopping by to check out the live Internet show of our friends at EDSBS and BurntOrangeNation on NowLive.com at 8pm EST/5pm PST.

Ok, back to chillin'.

Spring Break

Dear MZone Reader,

Since starting this site in October, 2005, Benny and I haven't taken any time off, posting away non-stop for nearly a year and a half. But coming up with new stuff on a daily basis (while juggling the "real" job and maintaining a social life in our Dungeons & Dragons club), isn't always easy.

Thus, we're going to take a short blogging vacation to recharge the ol' batteries.

As always, thanks for reading.

Benny & Yost

For Pete's Sake!

After Lane Kiffin was hired as Al Davis' bitch to be coach of the Oakland Raiders, USC had to replace not only its offensive coordinator, but its recruiting coordinator as well. To be the man in charge of keeping the Trojan talent cupboard stocked, head coach Pete Carroll turned to his son, Brennan, who was already the tight end coach.

Ok, we know Pete is a recruiting machine, so maybe it runs in the family. Then we saw this picture of ol' Brennan Carroll...


Uh, just what the fuck is he recruiting? High school football players? Not looking like that he's not! And did he steal those sunglasses off Lindsay Lohan and her friends...


Hey, if USC suddenly drops like a rock in the recruiting wars out there, don't blame the old man, blame Brennan "Ice Ice Baby" Carroll.

This came dangerously close to being an MZone Caption Contest. In fact, if you have something good for Brennan's pic above and want to share with the group, who are we to stop you?

(HT: LM)