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Friday, August 10, 2007

Real Men Don't Have "Couples Showers"

Just found out one of my engaged (alleged) friends is having a "couples shower" next month.

Never mind that he is asking me to miss a Saturday of college football (not gonna happen) but even if it was Saturday in the dead of winter, I wouldn't want to go to that crap.

News Flash: NO GUY WANTS TO GO TO A FUCKING COUPLES SHOWER. Period. Ever. Why doesn't he just refer to it as an "I'm Already Whipped Brunch" to call it what it is?

Of course my significant other doesn't see it that way. "Everybody's going to be there. It'll be fun."

Uh...no it won't. I'd rather sandpaper my balls with a cheese grater than sit through shitty hors d'oeuvres followed by an hour of, "Oh look, Jan and Steve got us the napkin holders we wanted."

"Jan, Steve, you guys rock. Seriously. To think I almost stayed home to watch the Penn State game and would have missed this excitement? Somebody pinch me! Now let's stop talking and open some more presents! I'm going to wet myself if I don't find out soon if they got the matching salt and pepper shakers!"

Gentlemen, we need to nip this rapidly expanding "couples shower" crap in the bud. It's becoming an epidemic. Some other folks I know at work are having a "couples shower" for their new baby. Didn't these used to be all female events? What pansy ass motherfucker caved and is now making it hard for all of us?! "You know, Paul said he had a good time at his couples shower. What do you think about that?"

I think Paul's a fucking tool.

I know, I know. Our female readers are thinking, "Yost, you cold hearted bastard." Not so. Think of me as simply old fashioned. A traditionalist. And "shower" is an ancient Latin term that means "party without dudes."

Because if we don't stop this shit soon, don't come crying to me when your bachelor party becomes a bachelor shower.

Ed. Note: Feel free to pass this post on "as a joke" to any spineless friends that you think might give in and have a couples shower. Maybe they'll get the hint.

35 comments:

whetstonebuck said...

Amen!

I built a "couple's shower" in my home. It's just for me and the Mrs. No trespassing.

Patrick said...

Well look at the bright side, there's something that Buckeyes and Wolverines can agree on.

A2saint said...

I like that they are registered at Home Depot

whetstonebuck said...

a2saint said:
"I like that they are registered at Home Depot."

Most interesting, indeed. What do you bet no power tools are on the registry? Disgraceful!

Goof said...

My wife threw a couples shower for her brother the day of the notre dame game last year. my participation involved getting a keg, and watching the game with the guys while the women did the shower thing. wasn't too bad...

beast in 'bama said...

What we've got here is a merging of relationship George and independent George. Worlds are colliding! A George divided against itself cannot stand!

oldwestside said...

Shave your pubes and put them in a box with, I don't know, a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds, wrap it, and send it with a friend.

j said...

So that's what the cheese grater is for that we got for our wedding!!

Killing My Liver said...

You know how I know you're gay ? You throw a couples shower

lloydmustgo said...

Yost glad to see you're on top of your game again, i retract the "i remember when this site was funny statement" GO BLUE!!!

OCBlue said...

The goof does have a point. Attending these functions has become inevitable if you want to be a functioning member of society. In my experience all you need is beer and a TV. It's like krytonite to the womenfolk who will adjourn to a separate room to marvel over the pots and pans. (the last time they will ever express that sort of excitiment over such things)
P.S. enjoy it and embrace it because soon all your friends will be too PWed to hang at all.

BARman said...

All I wanted to say is: you could not be MORE right!

The feminization of our culture continues unabated...

steve g said...

This is the MZone I know and love.

oldwestside said...

I received a wedding invitation. I was hesitant to open it, because I knew it was obviously a wedding invitation for the fall, not a save the date card for the winter.

I finally opened it this morning. I scanned. September 14th. Fuck, the Notre Dame game. I almost through it away straightaways, without replying "no." I decided to fill out the card, and read more closely. The 14th is a Friday. My buddy is getting married on a Friday in the fall! Can it be true? Or are they too cheap to get the invitations reprinted? The wedding is in Indiana. I can't imagine them having it on Friday because of ND, because I lived in Indianapolis for 2.5 years, an no-one watched college football, maybe a few people watched Purdue.

Nessy said...

I'm not saying it's right, but I understand... bear with me.

Back in our parents day, kids grew up in the same town and got married. Along the way, their families got to know each other. Not so anymore.

Now "Jan" from Minneapolis marries "Steve" from Cleveland, but they live in Chicago. Both "sides" want a shower, and Jan barely knows Steve's family, let alone his extended family, and she doesn't want to put herself through being the center of attention at a shower with a bunch of strangers. She wants Steve there for support -- and he reluctantly agrees. And tada: the couples shower is born.

It's sucks and it's still contributing to the gayification of America, but that's the reality of it. I've even done it myself.

Peace.

dtw2phx said...

Hey Yost, I'm a chick who's totally with you. I hate ALL those fuckin' showers. So pass the cheese grater when you're done. I'll be sitting beside you waiting to sand my twat.

Yost said...

DTW,

LOL!

whetstonebuck said...

Argh!

dtw. Nooooooo.

Perfection should always be left unmarred.

Think of some other form of protest.

Matthew said...

Guys guys guys, I'm here to tell you that there are still places where the sanctity of manhood is still pure and respected.

I came from Michigan to go to school down south; then married a sweet Southern gal shortly after graduation. Down here, there's Men and there's Ladies, and neither one is asked to act like the other. I didn't have to talk my way out of any "couple's showers"; in fact, I was politely asked to not be anywhere nearby for all five of her little lace parties.

There is one downside: although the south produces some of the most beautiful women on this planet, they're trained to be afraid of snow. Sadly, it doesn't look like I'll be moving home to the mitten state anytime soon.


Bonus: I registered for tools at the hardware store and actually got a few... having never had to be there to open it.

Haga said...

To the person who stated that the wife/fiance/girlfriend doesn't know the other side's extended family, ever heard of family reunions and COOKOUTS?!?!? why are they just meeting for the first time at a shower?? I'm confused, my head hurts now... :o|

TitleIX said...

Yost,
I gotta agree with this post. Couples showers are the dumbest assed things around.
Mind-boggling.

And...
DTW2PHX, I thought that cheesegrater to twat = Brazilian???
whereas cheesegrater to sac = ewww

Out of Conference said...

After reading the cheese grater to twat comment, I'm glad I turned down the cherry-rhubarb cobbler that someone brought in today.

Victoria Butler said...

As a female, I totally agree. No men at our showers!

But, more importantly--NO WEDDINGS DURING COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON. I am a HUGE Florida State Football Fan and actually had a girlfriend have her wedding last year during the Florida vs. Florida State Game (and she lives in Florida). I had already purchased game tickets and made plans (with other friends) before the wedding day was announced. She still isn't speaking with me for not going to her wedding. People--you have three other seasons to plan your weddings. Why do you have to interupt game day?

El Pendejo Grande said...

couples showers are the best. I had a couple of the gayish kind when I got married; now that I am happily divorced, I constantly have the only worthwhile kind. Like just this morning. Mmmm... football loving girlfriends.

Katie said...

When I saw the title, I thought, Oh FUN!! Then I realized you were talking about "party" showers and Not the kind that water runs over......well....the fun kind of shower ;o) I am in full agreement....showers are lame with or without men!

MGoBlue93 said...

is he gonna hyphenate his last name too?

Peabody said...

I hear you. I haven't missed a game in a decade. I have skipped family weddings. There is 1 wedding, ever, I would ever have to miss a game for: my brother-in-law's. Yup. Of course. Oregon. I am watching a TV at the ceremony.

Fucking shit.

Stand firm. Hold your ground. This is dangerous precedent.

Corey said...

Yost,

I agree couple showers suck, but
I'll take your Michigan-Penn St Tickets when you girlfriend makes you go.

Mgoblue93, I've made it to Sunny Colorado finally and got the HELL out of OHIO! Now the Football gods will be happy once again and so will all of us Michigan fans on Nov 17th!

GO BLUE!!

MGoBlue93 said...

Excellent Corey! I seem to remember Ufer giving directions to Columbus... South til you smell it and east until you step in it. I'm still here in Colorado myself. I've had a lot of distractions this summer which has precluded me from moving. The wife and I were talking the other day that we just may stay the winter and move in the spring... we'll see!

Corn Nation said...

You kids these days are all f'ed up. Back in my days, the women had a shower, and the men got together, got drunk and watched football.

Now it's all about the body art and piercings and then you have couples showers. One lead to the other. You can try to deny it, but it's true.

Chris said...

So they're inviting you to a couples shower two years from now (2009) in East Los Angeles?

Most people don't even plan their actual weddings that far in advance. And East Los Angeles isn't the best of neighborhoods, aren't they afraid of roaming UCLA assistants burglarizing them?

zen wizard said...

Something tells me that the people who have "Couple's Showers" are the same people who say stuff like, "We're trying to get pregnant" and lobby for "Diaper Changing Stations" in the Mens Room at Target.

It may be just a scam to get twice as many presents--but if it is the dude's idea, handing over his 'nads like that was not worth a matching tea set, I will tell you that $h!t right now....

Da Braylon said...

At first, I thought you meant a shower, as in taking a shower to cleanse your body. Then I realized you were talking about baby showers. HAHA

Rob said...

Best post....ever. I was the best man for somebody who allowed a couples shower to happen at the same time as a Texas-Baylor game. Not only did I not go to the shower...the bride's maid of honor didn't either...she was at an A&M football game.

Brian said...

My friend tried this crap so to nip it in the bud and make sure it did not become and epidemic all the guys decided to cheat and help each other win all of the stupid games. We then taunted all of the women, letting everyone know we were the superior sex... No more couples showers for us. Although I must say it wasn't during Football season... that's ridiculous!