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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Big 10 Network to Launch August 30 with Full Slate of Shit Games

In an effort to fulfill their promise of "event equality" - airing an equal number of men's and women's sports - the Big Ten Network has announced they will launch on Thursday, August 30th with a highlight show followed by a slew of football games the conference guarantees will be as unappealing and ass-boring as any of the women's lacrosse match ups or gymnastics competitions that new network will also broadcast.

The BTN, which is which is currently only being carried on Ron's Cable Service and Pet Food Emporium in Cheboygan, Michigan along with Viva Las Cable in the Dominican Republic, will kick of its schedule with the sure-to-be-instant-classics Appalachian State vs. Michigan, Youngstown State vs. Ohio State, Florida International vs. Penn State and Northeastern vs. Northwestern which has been re-dubbed the "You Say Tomato, I Say Tomoto Bowl."

"People were worried that they'd get screwed out of the excitement of Big 10 men's basketball and football due to our event equality policy," said Big 10 Commish and SEC-basher extraordinaire Jim Delany. "But as you can see from the football games we're airing, we've figured out a way to make everything about the new network as appealing as the debate of an agriculture bill on CSPAN."

Delany then blasted cable providers across America for not dropping HBO, CNN, Lifetime and the Weather Channel in order to carry the Big Ten Network. "If you need to know the weather, look out a fucking window," said Delany. "But if you look out that same window, can you see Penn State-Iowa women's water polo immediately followed by the Big 10 Fall Fencing Classic. Answer? Hell no!"

When reminded that by dropping Lifetime a lot of women's programming would be lost, Delany corrected himself saying he meant cable providers should can Spike TV and "all that crappy Japanese game show programming they show where the contestants always get hit in the nuts."


zen wizard said...

Suggestion: "Becoming a Wildkitten: The Search for the Next Northwestern Cheerleading Squad," including locker room interviews and commentary while they are changing into their uniforms.

wats said...

I think that the claims that the Big Ten Network will show unappealling games is ridiculous. What the article fails to point out is that top games will be shown on the BTN in other regions. So if their is a good Wisconsin game it will be shown in Detroit on the network where today fans could not watch. This is also true for Michigan games in the Chicago area where there are certainly a lot of wolverine fans.


I for one am looking forward to the big ten network as a fan of big ten sports. the claims by comcast that the conference would be to expensive and appeal only to a niche market are ridiculous. Comcast charges much more for Versus and Comcast SportsNet than the BTN is asking for its network. Does anyone really think that the NHL draft and yacht racing are more appealing in the midwest than Big Ten football?

Chris said...


We're looking for a football preview for Michigan and were hoping your or someone on your staff would be interested.

The page would look like this: http://www.sportprojections.com/florida_state_seminoles.php

If you're interested please contact me at sportprojections@gmail.com

I apologize for using your comment section. I couldn't find a contact area.

Thank you,
Chris Fry
Marketing Director

Billy said...

Hey, SPORTSFAN. In Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota, yeah, the NHL Draft would be more popular than Northeastern vs. Northwestern . At the end of the day, because of the BTN, my cable bill will go up – all because the conference wants to make extra cash off of some sad-sack games no one would normally watch. Maybe you’re the type to watch Minnesota beat Illinois in the 800 meter medley. If so that’s fine. Pay for it, don’t force me to. All of Michigan’s top football games are set for national TV, and the OSU game isn’t budging from ABC for the next decade. Who cares if more volleyball will be on TV, if people wanted it, ABC or ESPN would show it. BTN is charging top dollar for leftovers.

san francisco values said...

said MFF: "But if you look out that same window, can you see Penn State-Iowa women's water polo immediately followed by the Big 10 Fall Fencing Classic. Answer? Hell no!"

actually, the real bonus is that we'll get to see the exact same Penn State-Iowa women't water polo match 40 times a month for half a year.

MGoBlue93 said...

I'm hoping us geographically challenged from Ann Arbor can catch some hockey and baseball. Is all the programming predetermined to suck? And even though I despise Martin, I'll probably watch ASU v U of M.

TitleIX said...

let's start a pool....
how long will it take for Yost's tune to change once he figures out that the women's volleyball team kicks ass in their short shorts and long long legs???
or that the gymnastics pixies are amazing athletes???
or that all those olympic class swimmers/divers look pretty damn hot in their swimsuits???? (men and women included)

oh, you'll watch BTN, maybe for different reasons than sport, but by-gosh you boys will watch ;-)

MGoBlue93 said...

T9... how can we possibly be that transparent?

jlw said...

In the Chicago and Detroit TV markets the NHL Draft got fewer than 4,000 viewers, I don't care who Michigan is playing there will be more people than that watching. But the arguement that Comcast doesn't want to force people to pay is ridiculous considering they force people to pay much more than the Big Ten is asking for channels like Versus and Comcast SportsNet because they own them. BTN will be good for fans, especially those who live in a different city or state.

OnWisconsin! said...

I'm having a hard time ridiculing potential BTN programming after what I saw on ESPN2 this weekend.
They interrupted their normal showings of the 2003 World Poker Championship and American Gladiators to show....get ready....the national Rock/Paper/Scissors championships.
I am not freaking kidding!

MGoBlue93 said...

Unfortunately ESPN has become to sports programming what MTV has become to music.