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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

They named the kid what?!?!

In what could possibly be the most emailed story tip we've ever received here at the MZone, an Ohio State fan named his newborn kid Tressel Hayes after two Buckeye coaches.

"Tressel Hayes Huffines -- sounds as sweet as an OSU victory over Michigan," said the boy's father who added, "If nothing else, it assures the Buckeye tradition stays in the family. Can you imagine someone named Tressel Hayes going to Michigan for college?"

Gee, with the father's apparent obsession with the Wolverines, I suppose the kid can at least be happy his name isn't Tressel AnnArborIsAWhore Huffines. So he's got that going for him.

More surprising, however, we can't imagine how this guy got somebody to procreate with him. Tressel Hayes? Uh, there's being a fan and there's crazy. Well, at least that's what I told my pet goldfish, Woodson Ufer Leach Canham Yost.

But to prove we're not totally heartless, Benny and I are thinking of picking up a gift for the little Buckeye bundle of joy at the previously named "Screw Michigan Store" now known as Rival Fan Gifts (although the link still says "Screw Michigan") .

Unfortunately, since we couldn't find a sweater vest one-sy, we settled on something from the store that just says, in a classy way, Welcome to the world, little man!


PeterGriffin said...

Thanks Guys!

Jim Harbaugh Scramble said...

I knew the boys at the M Zone would come through this story.

keep up the great work as always.

Reed said...

Lucky for him, he can always change his name. "Would you shop at a store called Unpainted Huffhines?!?"

TitleIX said...

that father's theory worked great for Hayden Epstein...

7isbetterthan2 said...

The pot calling the kettle black?

Yost should extend his name to Bo Yost.

Lloyd_Carr_Pool_Lane said...

This kids got a big future in the computer section of his local library branch....

Matthew said...

What, no Cooper? Now that was tOSU coach!

And if they have an illegitimate child they should name it Katzenmoyer Boston!

rstiles said...

tOSU fans are a bunch of douche bags....

Chuck said...

I read in the AP story that they were going to name him Fuck Michigan Huffines, but they didn't want him to be Fuck Michigan the IV, so they settled on Tressel Hayes.

The King said...

7isbetterthan2, is that YOUR real name?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I'm sure Wikipedia has a nice article on the difference between an internet handle/avatar and a proper name. You'd be well served to read it.


John King

IC said...

said the boy's father... "Can you imagine someone named Tressel Hayes going to Michigan for college?"
I'm sure the folks in the U of M Admissions Department are just torn up about this.

7isbetterthan2 said...

Dear John Queen,

I know the difference, maybe you should use wikipedia to look up the word "irony", since you don't see the humor in this post.


Your Daddy

The King said...

7isbetterthan2, I know what irony is. It's like rain on your wedding day. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

You just have no idea how to use it in print.

Also, hilarious homosexually suggestive humor! Cutting edge!

Doug said...

What's the over/under on the age that this kid learns the neck punch? And there's a kid that won't need diapers, not when coolers are in stock at Target.

Go Bucks...

surrounded in columbus said...

For years there was a state senator in the ohio legislature by the name of Ted Grey. Had a daughter named --- Scarlett Anne. Now, as goofy (and admittedly, fairly clever) as that is, “Scarlett” at least is a “real” name. if she ever moved outside of franklin county, it wasn’t likely that people not familiar w/ tosu football would laugh hysterically upon being introduced to “scarlett grey”. Same goes for anyone named “jim”, “earl”, or even “woody”. Hell, you could probably get by w/ “hayes”.

But “tressel”?? imagine this poor kid going into a job interview w/ a bank in Chicago or New York and being asked if “tressel” was some sort of family name? how do you explain your father was such a bassackwards truck driver that he named you for a football coach @ the local college where you born 25 years beforehand???

And, forgetting for a minute the tosu thing, just how insecure/whacked do you have to be that as a parent, you name your kid anything for the expressed purpose of trying to prevent them from exercising their own judgment 20 years into the future? What a sad life to which this kid has to look forward.

WhetstoneBuck said...


A sad life? Please. Aren't you a bit over the top? It's just a name. Not all that weird of a name removed from a Big Ten context.

You got something against truck drivers? You need to be Imus-ed.

surrounded in columbus said...

if they were just "normal" wierd, they could have named him Jim, or Woody (James Woodrow?) neither of which are stupid. he'd still have a normal name.

you have to be pretty f'd up to do something like this. pretend it isn't football- what if they didn't want him to be a democrat, so they named him "Bush Huffines"???

people who do shit like that to their kids- use them to get attention for themselves- are pretty much whackos- whether its about sports or other topics.

WhetstoneBuck said...


Come on, my man. It's not that weird of a name. Tavis, Bentley, Igor, Latichia, Yost--now those are some strange monikers.

The lil' bucknut will be called "Tress" on the playground. Doesn't register on my weird meter.

I'll give you that the parents may have been looking for some attention. However, it doesn't rate calling in C.P.S.

tresselhayes said...

stop making fun of my name

surrounded in columbus said...

you have to admit it's not normal. they ran the story on the front page of the dispatch. if it was "common", would it have been news?

i'll give you this much- in a world filled w/ "dakota"s & other funky trendy names, "tress" is not obnoxious, but it's still not a real "name". why not name him "horseshoe" or "schott"? "c-deck"? they're as much of a first name as "tressel".

seriously, would you do this??

btw- the truck driver references are from Ufer's quote about tosu sell out- 10,000 alum & 74,000 "truckdrivers". nothing personal.

WhetstoneBuck said...

Of course it's not common. It's extraordinary! That's why it made the paper. If it were common it would be in the boring old birth announcements. This is celebrity.

What's a "normal" name? I'll agree with you on "Dakota" et al (pardon me while I remove my finger from my throat).

For that matter, who in the heck names their kid "Peyton?" I find that abnormal as well as offensive.

Don't get me started on "Bo?" That abnormal name should only be allowed if middle initial and last name are "N. Arrow."

I find Tressel Hayes quite normal and refreshing. However, "Huffines" has got to go. What's up with that?

surrounded in columbus said...

okay whet. i guess maybe you're right. my sons, schembechler and brady, and daughter carrina all seem to agree w/ you...

sorry but i got go- have to walk my dog, wolverine, out so he can take a tressel...

WhetstoneBuck said...


Ahahahahahahahahahaha...It is fortunate for both of us that I had already downed my coffee.

Dude, your kids and dog have to live down those names. Teach them how to defend themselves.

Also, teach your dog to wipe his Big House.

Arrogant Dickwad Huffines said...

At least they went with a person's name associated with tosu (and columbus).

Just imagine how much worse it could have been for the kid:

Value City Huffines
WalMart Trailerpark Huffines
Florida's Bitch Huffines

mainelife said...

This child was born after this year's BCS Game? Crazy and Stupid.
(and I'm a Buckeye).