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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Female Masturbator Strikes PIKES

Ann Arbor police are searching - and so are we at the MZone - for a woman who entered the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity last Thursday...and began to masturbate on a couch. And while police are looking to arrest her, we're just hoping to meet her after details of her, uh, "crime spree" were revealed in the Michigan Daily this week.

Apparently, while members of the PIKE house were eating in the dining room, the woman entered the frat's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating. Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour according to the fraternity's president.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. Before we move on with the facts of this story, couple...questions here. First of all, they asked her to leave?! As in put your clothes on and stop?? They didn't make her a little sister on the spot? Or call national, say thanks and ask why they just won chapter of the year? Second...

A half an hour?!?! So let me see if I understand this correctly: an entire group of fraternity brothers couldn't remove one naked, masturbating girl from their fraternity house for 30 minutes?! Yeah, those guys must have really laid down the law and demanded she "leave" pronto: "Ok, I'm telling you for the last time - Get the hell out of here...if you want to. When you're finished. In another 15 to 20 minutes. Unless you need more time. Do you understand me?!"

Well done, boys. Well done.

Ok, back to the details of this "case"...

When the PIKE brothers asked the girl if she was alright, she "casually" replied she was fine, kept masturbating and even started talking on her cellphone at one point. She eventually left wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police. However, the woman had already disappeared when police arrived minutes later (or what authorities are calling the fasted recorded response time in the history of the Ann Arbor PD).

Uh, hold on. Hold on. With more details come more questions. Such as...

Just how fucking ugly was this girl for a group of college fraternity brothers to first ask her to please stop masturbating in their fraternity house and, when she refuses, they call the police on this predator?!

Okay, more facts...

According to the police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.

"Obviously, she was very disturbed," said PIKE president Dan Nye. "It was not how a normal person would respond to people."

I agree. Until I read the more about the police report...

The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University.

EMU? Ahhhh, finally, a few things about this "horrific crime" are starting to make some sense.

But the most shocking thing about this case (that surely must be terrorizing fraternity row in Ann Arbor) is revealed at the end of the Daily story when Nye reports that his fraternity will throw out two couches in the living room of the PIKE house because of the incident.

Uh...come again?

Now folks, I think this definitely answers any questions about how, shall we say, not-beautiful this EMU "vandal" was. Because I've been in many fraternity houses over the years. The halls reek of musty, decades old booze from keggers past. The carpeting often smells of urine mixed with a variety of other bodily fluids. And even if the entire pledge class vomits all over their couches, they usually just flip over the cushions.

So if a college fraternity threw out their couches after a single girl was masturbating on them, I think it's safe to say the, uh, "manhunt" in Ann Arbor is focused on finding one butt fugly chick.



Not to get all Columbo here but, uh, one final question that has me baffled, gentleman...

In this day and age when there's more footage of a fading comic's racial slur than a presidential assassination just two generations ago, where are the cellphone pictures? And how come a video clip of this "vicious attack" wasn't posted on YouTube within 20 minutes? I'm just saying.

ED. NOTE: If any of our MZone readers are members of the PIKE house, for the love of all that is good in the world, please drop us a line.

UPDATE: This is why Benny and I love our readers. EL sends us the picture below he got from a buddy of the alleged PIKE perp leaving the house (which we've added a little text to)...


Now, naturally Benny and I are going to send this over to the MZone forensics lab for further testing but upon an initial, cursory inspection, I don't know if she's "couch thrower" material. I mean, maybe a La-Z-Boy or two. Possibly a futon. But two couches? Damn.

Just like the admissions standards, the bar for who fraternities want masturbating inside their houses has really been raised at Michigan since my day.

And as thousands of men across America continue to squint away at the picture above and curse the low resolution of cellphone cameras, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

33 comments:

Sports on a Schtick said...

Greatest label of all time, although "masterbating" is spelled with a "u" instead of an "e." Ask any Buckeye.

I also nominate "couch" as an official MZone label. There's been some classic couch material here, like the gay OSU commercial, the sleeping cable guy and, of course, this latest act of delirium.

MGoBlue93 said...

EMU women are often pretty... Ypsitucky natives usually not.

I nominate "gay frat" as a label too... not that there's anything wrong with that mind you.

Anonymous said...

Unmentioned in the news article was the fact that several OSU students arrived immediately to retrieve the couch so they could burn it after their next victory.

Anonymous said...

I know a Pike from another school who came to visit and stayed at the Pike house about 4-5 years ago...he slept on sofa bed and puked "in" it in the middle of the night.

The next morning, he just closed it up and left.

They didn't throw that one out.

Richard Cranium said...

If that picture is her then what kind of flaming kids are these Pikes. As a KDR alumni I am disgusted that they did not
a.) Take a video
b.) Take a chance to join in while taking above video.
c.) Thank this girl for making their day more enjoyable.
She doesn't look like a disgusting cow, and in that picture she was porky pigging it around campus which earns points in my book as it is.

(porky pigging it is wearing only a tshirt, or in this case a coat)

Anonymous said...

We'll need those sofas Monday night in Columbus for the celebration

ohio_guy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ohio_guy said...

Why not...we could always use an extra couch or two to throw on the fire

Let's hope there's reason to celebrate on Monday though.

ohio_guy said...

anon 2:52....wow, her picture is the exact same picture

SoFlaDave said...

I can't describe how disappointed I'm going to be if this turns out to be a hoax.

Anonymous said...

As one of those michigan pikes, I'll say very quickly why we didnt "join in" and tried to kick her out, i think i can sum it up in about two words:

DUKE LACROSSE

anyone who wants to come to the pike house and call us a "gay frat" just because we took a whole lot of precautions, please do

Out of Conference said...

Anon 8:56 - A video of the event could be considered enough proof to protect you. Sounds like someone was the voice of reason, though, and maybe you guys are lucky reasoning won out. On the other hand, maybe you should black ball whoever had the voice of reason.

To continue the voice of reason, if a group of you guys couldn't get a single, thin chick out of your house, I wouldn't be daring people to come to your place and call you a bunch of turd burglars.

GoBlue43 said...

It has to be said. What's the world comin to when you find a naked girl masterbating in your frat house and no video of said incident appears. SigEps would never of let that happen.

tOSUBuckeyes said...

You guys can spot a Buckstache from 10 city blocks, but you can't spot the mystery masturbator. Time to re-prioritize things.

zen wizard said...

I must say, this Web page really ROCKS!

I was having a very bad day and this post just brightened it a little.

So, thanks!

TitleIX said...

Let's see: a woman you pay to come strip in your fraternity house who then claims rape vs. an uninvited 'intruder' who strips in your fraternity house with at least a 30 minute delay in reporting said 'intrusion'

jeez, seems that besides being chivalrous gentleman, the PiKEs are also brilliant logicians....


W T F????

Tha Quiet Storm said...

Mike Cooper finally has some competition for everyone's favorite public masturbator.

TitleIX said...

wait, wait...I get it now.

PiKE has gone green and her plug-in vibrator violated house policy re: excessive energy use?????

mattathias said...

I heard the same thing from Pike people about the whole Duke Lacrosse thing. The lacrosse players were innocent yet have had their lives ruined.

I still think that it's a funny reason for telling the guys to stay the hell away from a masturbating intruder. It's just funny irrational reasoning in the heat of the moment, but in this day and age you can never be too careful.

I heard that she was yelling out dirty stuff like how she wanted to be done by ten guys at once or something.

Lichty said...

Anonymous said...
As one of those michigan pikes, I'll say very quickly why we didnt "join in" and tried to kick her out, i think i can sum it up in about two words:

DUKE LACROSSE



Wow have times changed -- pc culture is ruining college. PIKE
take a stand! Invite her back and just put some plastic down if you are worried about DNA getting on her from your couch (which I now take it is the reason your are tossing the couches).

Frat guy said...

I too am a Pike. I can assure you calling the police and making her leave was not a popular decision. One "hero" decided to do that, not all of us. Also, our couches are not going to be thrown away. Someone obviously did not understand that flipping the cushions does not mean we are throwing the couch away.

TitleIX said...

would have LOVED to see the rock/paper/scissors debate in the PiKE house over calling the police.....

Honestly, I can't decide if these guys are to be commended or involuntarily committed.....

I guess if it's one of your sons, then you are proud of his restraint and decision making.
If you are a total perv (like some of us) the jokes will just keep on 'coming'

And, if you believe in feminist ideology, then you get all hairy about who had the sexual power in the room and how frozen the men were in the face of Gaia goin' at it on the couch....

OMG, my sides hurt from laughing over this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

pike sucks

Anonymous said...

well she's really hit that's why you don't join in...go Russia!

Rob G said...

Pike at UF just got suspended for four years, I imagine they would have handled things a little bit differently.

Honestly, the Michigan Pike house handed this the right way. You can never be too careful.

Anonymous said...

I bet you if it were a guy they would have fucked him, and then played around with a cucumber.

Anonymous said...

Other than conduct involving actual physical contact between 2 males of a sexual nature, there is nothing that I can possibly imagine that is gayer than calling the cops on a naked, masturbating woman.

MGoBlue93 said...

You know, when I read the article in the Daily, I was thinking PIKEs are the biggest homos (not that there's anything wrong with that mind you) in the world.

Then the one poster came on and said "Duke Lacrosse".

Made me totally change my opinion. That was a crystal clear case of where things are going in this country -- guilty until proven innocent.

Anonymous said...

The Pikes obviously weren't thinking clearly. The Duke Lax case involved more than one woman. In this case it would have been her word against theirs' and she's the one who willingly let herself into their house, took off her clothes and engaged in sex acts. We should be reading about this in Penthouse. Fools.

Anonymous said...

Alright, I don't know if you people noticed how broke that girl was. Her tits sagged like a 90 year old woman's. You could park a Buick in her vag. And she probably had Aids. No one in our house was going to triple bag their junk to service her. Also, everyone in our house was a little too tired from a previous night of being drunktaneous and shacking with sorostitutes (not all, but many). Half our house was either sleeping or at class seeing as though she came by at 11:30am (in frat terms that's like 5am to a normal person). In addition, we were all sober at this time. Had she came by at 2am she would have been railed. I hope this helps you guys get your facts straight.

Anonymous said...

the cops were called after the fact, not during the incident. if the chick looked like she could be in playboy, could have been a different story. getting fucked up at a bar and slamming a sorostitute is a little more satisfying than pounding a sagging tit, sloppy vagged meth addict. anybody that thinks otherwise can come to the frat and lick her crabs off the frouch. fyi, i think she has body lice also.

Anonymous said...

I'm a Pike brother. I was starving after my workout at the gym. I was getting jacked.

Back to my story, I was eating lots of spagetti - the carbs you know. . when this chick came in.

At first I thought .. this is cool. . then my stomach turned. .. but you know what, I'm a pike so I did what any normal guy would do.

Nope, I didn't sleep with her.

I masturbated on the 2nd couch.

I won.

Now you know why we are throwing out two couches and not one.

I did it for Danny boy
Shadow Rules

Anonymous said...

PKE, very alternative lifestyle.

NTTIAWWT