Apparently, while members of the PIKE house were eating in the dining room, the woman entered the frat's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating. Fraternity members asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour according to the fraternity's president.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. Before we move on with the facts of this story, couple...questions here. First of all, they asked her to leave?! As in put your clothes on and stop?? They didn't make her a little sister on the spot? Or call national, say thanks and ask why they just won chapter of the year? Second...
A half an hour?!?! So let me see if I understand this correctly: an entire group of fraternity brothers couldn't remove one naked, masturbating girl from their fraternity house for 30 minutes?! Yeah, those guys must have really laid down the law and demanded she "leave" pronto: "Ok, I'm telling you for the last time - Get the hell out of here...if you want to. When you're finished. In another 15 to 20 minutes. Unless you need more time. Do you understand me?!"
Well done, boys. Well done.
Ok, back to the details of this "case"...
When the PIKE brothers asked the girl if she was alright, she "casually" replied she was fine, kept masturbating and even started talking on her cellphone at one point. She eventually left wearing only a thigh-length black coat after a fraternity member called the police. However, the woman had already disappeared when police arrived minutes later (or what authorities are calling the fasted recorded response time in the history of the Ann Arbor PD).
Uh, hold on. Hold on. With more details come more questions. Such as...
Just how fucking ugly was this girl for a group of college fraternity brothers to first ask her to please stop masturbating in their fraternity house and, when she refuses, they call the police on this predator?!
Okay, more facts...
According to the police report, the woman was between 20 and 30 years old, had short brown hair and appeared to be under the influence of drugs.
"Obviously, she was very disturbed," said PIKE president Dan Nye. "It was not how a normal person would respond to people."
I agree. Until I read the more about the police report...
The woman told fraternity members that her name was Melissa and she was a student at Eastern Michigan University.
EMU? Ahhhh, finally, a few things about this "horrific crime" are starting to make some sense.
But the most shocking thing about this case (that surely must be terrorizing fraternity row in Ann Arbor) is revealed at the end of the Daily story when Nye reports that his fraternity will throw out two couches in the living room of the PIKE house because of the incident.
Now folks, I think this definitely answers any questions about how, shall we say, not-beautiful this EMU "vandal" was. Because I've been in many fraternity houses over the years. The halls reek of musty, decades old booze from keggers past. The carpeting often smells of urine mixed with a variety of other bodily fluids. And even if the entire pledge class vomits all over their couches, they usually just flip over the cushions.
So if a college fraternity threw out their couches after a single girl was masturbating on them, I think it's safe to say the, uh, "manhunt" in Ann Arbor is focused on finding one butt fugly chick.
Not to get all Columbo here but, uh, one final question that has me baffled, gentleman...
In this day and age when there's more footage of a fading comic's racial slur than a presidential assassination just two generations ago, where are the cellphone pictures? And how come a video clip of this "vicious attack" wasn't posted on YouTube within 20 minutes? I'm just saying.
ED. NOTE: If any of our MZone readers are members of the PIKE house, for the love of all that is good in the world, please drop us a line.
UPDATE: This is why Benny and I love our readers. EL sends us the picture below he got from a buddy of the alleged PIKE perp leaving the house (which we've added a little text to)...
Now, naturally Benny and I are going to send this over to the MZone forensics lab for further testing but upon an initial, cursory inspection, I don't know if she's "couch thrower" material. I mean, maybe a La-Z-Boy or two. Possibly a futon. But two couches? Damn.
Just like the admissions standards, the bar for who fraternities want masturbating inside their houses has really been raised at Michigan since my day.
And as thousands of men across America continue to squint away at the picture above and curse the low resolution of cellphone cameras, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.