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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I'm a public university in the in the northwestern United States. I consider myself outgoing, nationally-accredited and my friends tell me I have an attractive campus. Granted, I'm not as well endowed as some other colleges as the size of my stadium only is 16,000. However, as I like to say, it's not the size of your stadium that counts, but how loud is the crowd. And let's just say I know what I'm doing in that department if you catch my drift.

I'm writing because, for some reason, I can't seem to hold onto a coach. Just this month, another relationship of mine ended suddenly after only a short time and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I'd been seeing this guy, let's just call him "Dennis," for a year when he up and told me he was leaving . He said it wasn't me, it was him. But I didn't believe him. So I checked his cellphone and found out there's someone else. In Tempe, Arizona. An "Arizona State."

I know I shouldn't have gone through his stuff but when I found out he was leaving me, I was hysterical. Especially since this isn't the first time I've let "Dennis" walk all over me like this. I feel like such a whore for letting him back into my life and giving him a second chance. I should have known it would end the same. Because it always does.

With our weather and smaller conference, I know I don't have what that other schools, like that one in Tempe, have to offer. But I'm really nice. And have a great personality.

I guess "Dennis" (like all the rest of them) figures schools like "ASU" will give him the BCS he didn't think he could get from me (which is not my fault! I'd love to give him a BCS if they'd just let me!!! But I have this condition called "mid-major." And it's hereditary!!!!).

Abby, why does this always happen? I can't seem to hold onto a coach. They stay for a couple years then leave as soon as somebody better comes along. I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but my longest relationship was only 10 years, and that was something that ended in 1915 (and even he left in 1906 before he came back in 1910).

Is it me? Does my out-of-state tuition make me look fat? I just want someone who likes me for me, and doesn't want to try to change me into the BCS contender I'm not. Do those coaches even exist anymore?

Please help.


Desperate in Moscow, Idaho


Zach Landres-Schnur said...

Dear Desperate,

if he doesn't want you, you shouldn't want him. relationships are a two-way street. if it's one-sided, it's not meant to be. you're better off without him...he seems abusive anyway. the heavy drinker type.

beast in bama said...

Dear Desparate,

You're not the whore; "Dennis" is the whore.

You might want to try experimenting with your turf color - I'm sure the nearest drug store carries a wide selection.

And the name of your town... it could use a makeover.

Jim said...

Dear Desperate in Moscow,
When I read your letter, I was overcome with tears. I realized I finally found the school that was meant for me. I know how you feel. I thought I was so right in the current relationship I have. I gave her a national championship, a conference championship, trips to big bowls, and what does she do to me? Well, let's just say I wasn't appreciated for being a nice guy.

As luck would have it, I will be in Boise for New Year's Eve!!! Why don't you come down to visit. It's only 300 short miles south. Let's get a room, because after the game I won't have a place to stay anymore. Oh, this has to be fate. You'll love me, I know you will. I'm not a tough guy at all, you could get away with anything from me. I know you'll love me and that's all that matters. I'm even into the freaky stuff, like watching you fight other schools, guns, and shoplifting. From your nickname, it sounds like you're a freak as well. I know someone that can make you a really sexy, crotchless spandex superhero outfit. I'll get them to stitch an "I" on it for you. Looking forward to seeing you.
-Jobless in Miami

Anonymous said...

Dear Desparate,

You're what they call 'filler material.'

Think about it, if you're a man, do you want to wake each morning the rest of your life, turn over and see the Joke U logo on the pillow? It's the exact same thing as fat chicks. Men see them as nice for friends, and once in awhile they knock one up, can't leave, and their life is ruined.

Have yourself a bucket of KFC, get some ice cream and have yourself a good cry.

Anonymous said...


The problem is that you are hanging out with others that are much better looking and sexier than you are. You should go hang out in the "Big Sky Conference" the coaches that you meet over there will be more on your level, and might stick around for awhile. Most likely because if you hang around over there they might score more often.

Reality check

Anonymous said...

You are placed into fixed marriages and once they get to know your parents well, they see no possibility for a successful relationship. You need to divorce your parents and begin again. Then you will have some great 4-5 year marriages which is all that you "mid-major" chics can expect.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, poorly written false "dear abby" letter; rips on rival school; smells like a hobo; hoof prints of a donkey . . . sounds like one of our hated rivals is trolling around, using your board as a smacking ground...

Beat it Boise State Donko, Idaho is not the school saying it should be in the national championship game and saying major football schools are "ducking us;" we just want a coach with morals.

If you want to smack it up, come to our board, we'll give you all you want.

Anonymous said...

hey anon 5:19,

You do realize this site is written by Michigan fans, right?

JD said...

Dear Desperate,

Perhaps you need to look inside yourself for the answers you seek. After all, wasn't it just a few years ago that you were living in someone else's house in another state, just because it was bigger than the one you currently own?

When you put yourself out to be taken advantage of, people will take advantage of you every time. A prime example of that concept can be found down at the University of Alabama.

Your best bet is to fix what is wrong inside yourself before attempting to cast blame upon others when they take advantage of your low self-esteem for their own purposes.

And for God's sweet sake, next time make sure you get more than $150K when a PAC-10 school comes to poach your coach. Who the hell wrote that contract for you, Jackie Chiles?