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Saturday, December 02, 2006

College Football Drunk Dialing

RING. RING. RI--

UCLA: Hello?
MICH: Hey, UCLA. It's me, Michigan. I've been thinking about you.

SILENCE.

MICH: Uh, hello?
UCLA: I'm not stupid, you know. You're just calling me because it's the UCLA-USC game Saturday and a Bruin victory might put you in the BCS title game.
MICH: The game is this weekend? Really? I didn't even know that. Honest. I miss you.

PAUSE.

MICH: I'm serious. Remember the good times we had? All the Rose Bowls against each other. The regular season games in the 80s. Now, I don't even hear from you. No calls, no emails. Not even a text message every now and then. It hurts.

AWKWARD SILENCE.

UCLA: What do you want?
MICH: Nothing. Just to see how you're doing.
UCLA: I'm fine.
MICH: Really?
UCLA: Yep. In fact, our basketball team is really good. We're--
MICH: Yeah, that's great. How's your football team? Think you have a shot against the Troj--

PHONE NOISES.

MICH: No, wait. Don't hang up, don't hang up! I was just asking. I know this is a big weekend for you. I'm just...look, we don't even have to talk about it. Ok?
UCLA: Ok.

PAUSE.

MICH: So how's Ben Olson? I heard you're starting the other kid, what's his name...

CLICK.

MICH: Hello? Hello? UCLA? Shit.

26 comments:

jeremy said...

Don't forget: She crapped on our heart in 2000 as well.

Anonymous said...

Boys, Boys, why would we want to play Ohio State again, even if we win they are going to say that it's a tie because we both beat each other. Don't give those Buckeyes that upside, USC needs to beat UCLA and beat the breaks off of Ohio State in Glendale, Michigan goes to the Rose Bowl and wins that game and they will pass OSU in the end polls.

jeremy said...

Why would we want to play Ohio State again?

Because we're Michigan fans! We want to beat them every chance we get!

If we're going to pass them in the polls, let's do it our damn selves.

Anonymous said...

LMAO

Anonymous said...

As always, great stuff. Your site is a dose of morning chuckles!

Anonymous said...

good stuff, guys. too bad the Bruins have as much chance beating USC as ND did. but a Rose Bowl against LSU is not a bad thing.

trojan mike said...

Beat the bRuins!

Fight On, for ol' SC, our men fight on, to victory. Our alma mater dear, it's up to you! Fight on for ol' SC, fight on to victory..... FIGHT ON !!!!!!!!!!

CaliGirl said...

Ok , this was hilarious! As everyone knows I am a HUGE Michigan fan and dislike tOSU the most, however, working in sports out her in California I have to attend SC events...they have QUICKLY moved up the ranks as my second most disliked team. If those 2 do end up in the BCS Title game...I don't think I could even watch. I wouldn't want either team to win! That means I would have to listen to their fans for the next year, "WE ARE THE BEST...blah blah blah!"

Andy said...

Hoping that UCLA beats USC is like:

* Expecting a Miami/FIU type brawl during the Army/Navy game this weekend
* Expecting that Charlie Weis will only order a kids meal
* Expecting the Penn State fans or coaches not to complain about the Big 10 officials
* Expecting that Jim Tressel will say something controversial or linked to something illegal
* Expecting the buckeye nation to not burn stuff during a celebration

USC ALUM said...

YO SC MIKE...did you graduate from SC? You got the fight song wrong....

Fight On for ol' SC
Our men Fight On to victory.
Our Alma Mater dear, looks up to you
Fight On and win
For ol' SC
Fight On to victory
Fight On!

CrimeNotes said...

Mich: Hey, UCLA? You remember that time in 2000 when I got really upset? You know, that Navarre interception, where I got so mad at you that I tore up a phonebook and then got drunk on Thunderbird.

Well, you were right to warn me. I should have listened. You did that because you cared.

usctrojan78 said...

I think that comparing USC fans to Ohio State fans is unfair. We don't burn couches, or cars, and we are really not all that violent. Don't hate because we've had a good run (we really sucked for about 6 years before this run). I understand it would help UM if we lost -- but comparing us to buckeyes is beyond the pale -- usc fans do not defile coolers.

Anonymous said...

usctrojan78, nobody was comparing SC fans to tOSU fans. If your response was to Caligirl, I think she was saying the arrogance of the SC fans is getting to tOSU fans level. Nobody is like buckeye fans. They're a special breed.

Anonymous said...

Inbreed?

Anonymous said...

Go UCLA, go Hogs, bring on Mich-again. Only one thing better then beating Michigan and that is beating Michigan twice. Let's do it!

Vinnie said...

You might've caught our blog's post about this on Deadspin the other day, but yeah, Michigan is getting jobbed. I so no clear reason why the shouldn't get in over USC even if USC wins.

Anonymous said...

Agreed. Michigan is the 2nd best team in the country and has the right to play for the national championship.
Just as Ohio State is the best team in the country and has the right to beat Michingan twice.

Go Bucks!
(great blog)

Beban said...

I wish we could help, guys. I really do. Unfortunately, the order of the day is assrape.

In the words of our confident and brilliant coach, "We'll try to give them a game!"

At least our coach is going to get fired! Oh, he's not?

Fuuuuuuuuck

CaliGirl said...

USCTrojan78: I was referring to the arrogant (ignorant) fans, not the team as a whole. I give credit where credit is due. I don't feel that SC has the same magic this year as they have the last few with Bush, Leinart and White, however, they have greatly improved the second half of this season. I never would have predicted them to go to the Title game with 3 less than stellar wins against UW, ASU or WSU and a loss to OSU. But...here we are.

I have just come across too many bandwagoners in my line of work, that forget what it was like PRE-Pete era. Most don't even remember they were bitching when they hired PC.

The last game I attended I was working on the sidelines and heard some Dad teaching his son (who could not be more than 8 years old) to yell, "Ducks you F*cking Suck, get off our field!" I was in such shock, I had to walk away...only to be next to some guy spitting on one of my crew's cameras. So I moved again, the disgusting habits continued no matter where I stood. I am not saying all fans are this way, but the bandwagoners just seem to grow exponentially each year.

My older sister went to UCLA, so I had been a Bruin fan because of her. My Boyfriend went to ASU, so I have become a SunDevil fan by default...which means stictly based on "family loyalty," I disliked SC anyway...but after that night...like I said, they quickly grew the ranks.

Anonymous said...

LMAO, keep it up guys, that's really good stuff

Ungar Kelt said...

"Boys, Boys, why would we want to play Ohio State again, even if we win they are going to say that it's a tie because we both beat each other."

Think about it in logical terms, not "BCS" terms.

Look at the NFL, the most popular league in the US. No one said in the 2005 NFL playoffs "Hey, the Steelers have already played the Indianapolis Colts and lost 26-7. There is no way they should play them in the playoffs. If the Steelers win the Divisional Playoff, it will diminish the Super Bowl, because the Colts fans will say they have already defeated the Steelers once." Of course, the Steelers did beat the Colts (and also played the Bengals THREE times) and no one gave a shit.

The problem is the lack of a playoff. The bowl system is worthless - 31 games, of which 1 game means anything. Michigan vs. LSU - and to the winner goes....? In an 8 or 16 team playoff, EVERY game matters.

"Don't give those Buckeyes that upside"

On what planet does beating Tosu for a national championship give Tosu an "upside"? That is the most devastating "downside" imaginable, for Tosu to win the Big Game but lose the Biggest Game.

Mike said...

UCLA didn't do Penn State any favors last year losing 66-19 to USC. So good luck with that.

Anonymous said...

Guess your good luck wish worked, Mike.

Oh Yeah said...

OK Michigan. USC blew their chance. Looks like we will see you (and beat you) in Glendale!!!!

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see tOSU play Florida in the National Title Game

Anonymous said...

Umm, hello Mich. It's me UCLA calling back. I know the last time we got together we hurt you pretty bad. It was bad. I'd like to help you move on this season by giving you a shot at the big game. There is no way it could go wrong. I mean, you coach will campaign for you in the press and get off his ridiculous high horse to ensure those hicks in Florida don't get a shot. We'll hand Pete Carroll's head to you on a platter - we still care. Whats the worst that can happen - wind up in the Rose Bowl?