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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

"You can't handle the 'Shoe!"

Way back in September, MZone reader Unger Kelt sent us the parody below in response to our little post about Jim Tressel's "honest mistake" regarding his claim that he voted Texas #1 on his Coaches' Poll ballot the week of the UT/OSU game, when in fact "the assistant who took it upon himself to change the head coach's ballot" actually voted the Bucks #1.

Unger's work was so good, we've been saving it until the M/OSU week. In the set up at the top, Unger references Michigan's team bus being searched by dogs before their last game in Columbus in 2004, something Tressel claimed he knew nothing about when he spoke to Lloyd before the game. Enjoy.

Tressel is just like Colonel Jessup from "A Few Good Men", the top guy in charge who conveniently doesn't have control if something goes wrong.

It took some digging, but I finally obtained a transcript of the Carr-Tressel conversation before the kickoff of their game on 11/20/2004:

Carr: Jim, a moment ago you said that you ordered the AD not to send drug-sniffing dogs to the Michigan bus.
Tressel: That's right.
Carr: And the AD was clear on what you wanted?
Tressel: Crystal.
Carr: Any chance the AD ignored the order?
Tressel: Ignored the order?
Carr: Any chance he forgot about it?
Tressel: No.
Carr: Any chance the AD left your office and said, 'The old coach is wrong'?
Tressel: No.
Carr: When the AD spoke to security, and ordered them not to send drug-sniffing dogs on the bus, any chance they ignored him?
Tressel: You ever coached at Tosu, son?
Carr: No, sir.
Tressel: Ever sang the “O-H-I-O” fight song?
Carr: No, sir.
Tressel: Ever put your buckeyes in another man's hand; asked him to put his buckeyes in yours?
Carr: No, sir.
Tressel: We follow orders, son. We follow orders, or the team loses; it's that simple. Are we clear?
Carr: Yes, sir.
Tressel: [nearly shouting] Are we clear?!
Carr: The AD ordered the dogs on the bus, didn't he? Because that's what you told the AD to do.
Tressel: You want answers?
Carr: I think I'm entitled to them.
Tressel: You want answers?!
Carr: I want the truth!
Tressel: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has rivalries. And those rivalries have to be provoked by pulling ridiculous, low class stunts. Who's gonna do it? You? Barry Alvarez? Joe Paterno? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That putting dogs on a college football bus, while tragic, probably saved the win. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves games.

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on the sidelines. You need me there.

We use words like grade fixing, illegal booster contributions, disorderly conduct...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very coaching brilliance I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a playbook from the 21st century and start winning. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to.

Carr: Did you order the dogs on the bus?
Tessel: I did the job you sent me to do.
Carr: Did you order the dogs on the bus?
Tressel: You're goddamn right I did!

31 comments:

Deli Boy said...

That is some high quality H2O. Great work.

Eric S. said...

Well done. Well freaking done.

Anonymous said...

A+

WONDER IF THIS DOG WILL BE THERE said...

Ohio Chihuahua Earns Badge As K-9 Officer


Updated: November 10th, 2006 10:22 AM EDT


E-mail Story Print Story Most Read Most Emailed


Story by thedenverchannel.com



Unusual K-9
AP-S (AP-S), World
Fri 10 Nov 2006 02:05 AM EDT


Police in Cleveland have a new weapon in the war on drugs and a new K-9 officer who is small in size, but not in talent.

Midge is an 8-pound Chihuahua-rat terrier mix and not the kind of K-9 officer you might imagine.

She started training in February and this week she passed her state certified drug test in Ohio.

Midge passed all five components of her test, finding marijuana hidden in a variety of locations, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported.

"She finds marijuana. We use her nose; she excludes all other odors," said Geauga County Sheriff Dan McClelland. "You name it, she excludes it. She looks for one specific scent, and that scent is marijuana."

McClelland said he believes Midge may be the smallest police dog in the country. He said her size allows her to slip into tiny spaces.

McClelland said Midge will be taking more drug classes to teach her how to sniff out other drugs.

Midge has appeared on numerous national television shows including the "Rachael Ray Show" and stories on CNN, MSNBC and other networks, the Plain Dealer reported.

Andy said...

Ever put your buckeyes in another man's hand; asked him to put his buckeyes in yours?

Pure brilliance!!!
Now I have to go get a non-coffee soaked keyboard....

Anonymous said...

That might be the funniest thing I've ever read here.

Becky said...

That was fan-freaking-tabulous. I needed a giggle this morning.

Anonymous said...

Drug sniffing dogs. Ha! That was nothing. This year we are talking tear-away turf. Unless, of course, you are wearing the special "non-tear-away" cleats.

Even your all-powerful jangling keys can't battle against that.

Jim said...

Certainly in the Top 5 funniest blogs I've read here. Funny stuff man, funny stuff.

Yost, bitches. Yost.

Greg OSU 1988 said...

How can you tell a Michigan man is complaining?

In this case, he is typing.

Buckeye fans are loud, obnoxious, and rude, but at least they don't try to build in excuses every time they lose. If Michigan had won that game you never would have heard about the dog search. Lloyd is pathetic, which makes it so much fun to beat him and listen for his excuses because in his world Michigan is NEVER beaten, they lose because someone else screwed up. Be a man Lloyd!!

Yost said...

Uh, Greg, neither Lloyd nor this blog have EVER blamed the loss in 2004 on the dogs. Ever. Check for yourself.

This simply points out the bush league tactics employed by OSU.

Even better about your response, just like the riots and shitty treatment of opposing fans in your fine city, instead of looking inward and asking why such bullshit happens, hey, blame the other side, right?

Thanks for the post and have fun searching for the quote where Lloyd blamed the dogs.

WillinSacto said...

Brilliant!!! One of the best movie scenes of all time and Yost, you captured it in a nutshell.

Haha.....what a way to start my day!!

greg 1988 osu said...

Lloyd never directly blames anyone or anything, that is his genius. You, being a Michigan man and being so much more intelligent than me as an ignorant Buckeye should know that.

Lloyd simply points out the thing that went wrong, or the slight against his team, or the mistreatment instead of acknowledging defeat. True class is being big enough to admit that you were beaten.

Two more examples. (1) After last year's game in Ann Arbor he didn't hesitate to mention that Gonzalez was out of bounds before his catch. The clear implication being that the call was wrong (even though it clearly wasn't). (2) After the bowl game (during which I was rooting for your boys since I am a conference hack as well) he sure had a lot to say about Nebraska's team being on the field at the end but didn't seem to notice many of his own players were also out there. Again, the implication that he was somehow wronged by the officials. Just admit it, sometimes you get outplayed, or outcoached, and just lose. He can't, or won't.

You can defend him just like we defended Cooper (at least for a while), but deep down you know there are problems.

Yost said...

Ok, Greg, I have a question for you:

Do you think the whole dog thing was a classy move, seeing as OSU didn't do it to ANY team before and hasn't done it to ANY team since?

MGOBLUE94 said...

Greg is just upset because his NUTS are small, hard, discolored and AROUND HIS NECK!

surrounded in columbus said...

Yost,
this is particularly funny coming from a tosu fan. maybe you didn't know this, but tosu has NEVER been beat by a better team (face it, how could anyone ever be better than tosu??).

the bucks either "give the game away", "play down to their competition", or the refs f'em, but the other team is never better.

it would have driven you nuts last winter listening to them explain how if smith had played the first game (instead of sitting out for his most recent ncaa snafu) they'd have killed UT. the other big lie was that if they played UT at the end of the season, how big they would have won (PSU was dismissed as a "bad night" for troy, too).

point is they are the absolute kings of excuses.

greg 1988 osu said...

Nope. Nor do I think it is classy to burn furniture, vandalize cars, intimidate (or worse) opposing fans, draw Brutus peeing on an M, or any number of other things. I wish our fans in general had more sense and am glad to see TOSU officials trying to change things (many of their tactics are funny but at least they are trying).

However, that is a separate issue from my initial point. The reason so many people despise UofM (not just Buckeye fans, there are plenty in South Bend, Happy Valley, East Lansing, etc.) is the holier than thou attitude and Lloyd does nothing to change that. You have a great school, a great football program and a lot of other good things. It wouldn't kill you (UofM community) to admit that sometimes you are not the best.

greg 1988 osu said...

I'm done. This is your site and you should have fun with it. Quite frankly I have been visiting because your stuff is hilarious.

I am going back to being a silent observer.

If you are going to Columbus I wish you well.

MGOBLUE94 said...

Thanks for stopping by Greg, good luck to you and your team (in the Rose Bowl).

Oh and you should see a Doctor about that NUT issue! I could recommended a good Michigan doctor.

Isn't this rivalry fun!

GO BLUE!

Jim said...

"Greg OSU 1988 said...
Buckeye fans are loud, obnoxious, and rude, but at least they don't try to build in excuses every time they lose."

I can only remember 2 times the Gamecocks played OSU in recent memory. We kicked Bucks ass both times in Tampa. I remember lots of excuses in both of those losses. Seeing how I was only really paying attention to those 2 Bucks losses, I would have to say that Bucks fans make excuses after 100% of their losses. Glass house...

greg 1988 osu said...

I can't resist this one.

Jim,

You're from South Carolina so I will type slowly. First, I am not sure what dog you have in this hunt (to use terms you probably understand). Second, since the zenith of your team's entire history was those 2 bowl wins you should probably lay a little lower. And third, there is a huge difference between blaming your own coach (the first game) or your own quarterback (the second game)and blaming everything else. My point, since you didn't quite grasp it, was that you need to own up to your own shortcomings. Buckeye fans clearly did that after the 2 bowl games (the first one got the coach fired for g-ds sake!!!). No one was blaming officials, or the weather, or field conditions, etc.

Nice kicking game by the way. Have fun in the Motor City bowl.

Anonymous said...

As a diehard Buckeye fan, I find your blog insightful, funny, and most importantly, frequently updated. While I do not wish to engage in any verbal sparring, I would like to offer one possible explanation for the perceived hated and real animosity OSU fans have for all things Michigan.

While I abhor violence and will actively work this Saturday to make sure our fans behave while I am enjoying the game in the stadium, I think I can shed a little light on why OSU fans have such animosity for M. As a Buckeye fan growing up in the 80s and 90s, I was forced to endure an agonizing string of defeats at the hands of Michigan that was numbing. Year after year, good OSU teams lost to Michigan teams, and sometimes, to apparently much weaker Michigan teams. Cooper’s record is well known and we are getting a semblance of revenge with Tress out to a 4-1 mark. As I am sure you can all relate to the agony of those defeats over the last few years, we still need to win 5 more to erase the deficit Cooper put up in my formative years. Imagine how much tougher another 5 losses would feel after the very recent history.

In essence, I grew up watching Michigan regularly shatter my dreams. Only now that we are having more success in The Game, am I able to get rid of those silly feelings and view Michigan as they should be; a respected and worthy opponent. I for one hope for a great game on Saturday and wish Michigan the best of luck beating the snot out of some team in the Rose bowl…I couldn’t resist.

Anonymous said...

I remember laughing my ass off the night ungar posted this. I happened to lay on the couch to watch tv just a few minutes later, was flipping channels, and whaddaya know 'A Few Good Men' was on, so of course I had to watch it Is that some kind of sign?

By the way very good job ungar!

Go Blue!

surrounded in columbus said...

Anon 9:17,
very nice comment. fans admiting the problem is the first step. tosu & the city have both done that and are working very hard to fix the problem (though it will take time).

the only tosu fans who seem to get jabbed on this issue are the ones who try to deny it exists. folks like you are really part of the solution.

and for what it's worth, i hope you guys get to play ND in the Rose- see if you can beat them by more than 25 pts ;)

Ignats75 said...

As a Buckeye,

That was freakin hilarious. I can appreciate good (and that is truly good) Satire. This is why I love getting my daily dose of tOSU-Wolverweasel Banter in preperation for the latest installment of the greatest rivalry in sports.

I hope you have a safe trip to the 'shoe on Saturday, and a safer trip home, especially since its harder to drive when your crying and distraught.

Jim said...

greg 1988 osu, aside from the "kicking Bucks ass in Tampa" comment, I never once tried to elevate the Cocks football program in my post. I just merely pointed out that from my experience, OSU fans 100% of the time make excuses after losses. I could have left out the entire Gamecock bit and my statement would still be accurate based on my experience. Yes, you can correctly use the phrase, "dog in this hunt" and I'll understand - afterall my Dad is from the Midwest and he spent many of his years in Ohio. Several of my cousins attended college in Ohio as well (OU and Denison).
However, if you feel the need to step on someone else, particularly a lowly SEC team, how about pick one up in your OOC schedule and leave leave the MAC schools alone.

Yost said...

Greg,

In my opinion, I think the traditionally great football programs (and I'm going to include both Michigan, OSU in that same bunch with the other top names) - all of them - rarely if ever think they lost. They have the top talent, the winning tradition so usually -- all of them, M and OSU included, usually think it is their mistakes that cost them the game and not b/c they other team was better, since the very nature of being a year to year power is probably due to recruiting the best players.

Point is, yes, I admit, I rarely think Michigan got flat out beaten by a better team. B/c, talent wise, there shouldn't be too many of those out there. But I'd venture to guess the Bucks weren't showering praise on thier opponents for all being "better" during their Alamo Bowl season a couple years ago, either.

However, my beef with your initial post was that the dog thing was used as an excuse which was not the case. Nobody tied the loss to that. That's not why Lloyd and his staff were so upset. Opposing teams are guests. And to try get some cheap advantage, play a "funny prank" or whatever the purpose was is beneath the greatest college football rivalry in the country.

Ok, enough about that. Thanks for the kind words re: my upcoming trip. Win or lose, may everybody around the country - and here - be talking about a classic game that was played on Saturday.

Anonymous said...

That brought tears to my eyes.

Ungar Kelt said...

Yost,

Thanks for my 15 minutes, buddy!

Yost said...

UK,

You deserve it. Pure genius.

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