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Friday, November 17, 2006

Wedding to Cruise Ruins M-OSU Game for Holmes Family

(From MZone wire reports) Rome, Italy -- The MZone has learned that the family of actress Katie Holmes is asking her to call off her wedding to superstar Tom Cruise this Saturday in Italy due to the Michigan-Ohio State game. The family, from Toledo, Ohio, is said to be livid they're going to miss the epic clash of college football unbeatens.

"You know we can take her marrying into the whacky Scientology stuff, the falling for a guy who acts like a jackass jumping on coaches, the out-of-wedlock baby. Hell, we can even take the rumors that she might be marrying a gay man," said Martin Holmes, Katie's father. "But we're from Ohio. And making us all miss the biggest Michigan-OSU game ever?! That is fucking bullshit. I don't give a good goddamn if she is my daughter! She can kiss my hairy, white as--"

"What my husband means," interrupted his wife and Katie's mother, Kathleen, "is that it's sort of a waste to go through with the wedding since nobody from our side of the family is coming. I mean, look at all these RSVPs that came in when folks realized they'd miss the game -- no, no, no, not a chance, no, no, MI:3 sucked, no, no way, no, are you fucking kidding -- and that last one was from Nana Holmes in Canton. None of Katie's sisters are even coming. We had to get some Italian kid named Fredrico to be the maid of honor."

According to sources close to the couple, the only Holmes family who will be in attendance Saturday is Katie's Aunt Edna of Twin Nob, Arkansas who's only going because she lives out of state, and her favorite movie is COCKTAIL.

In another stunning development about the nuptials of the couple known as "TomKat," reports initially circulated that Cruise had snubbed good friend Oprah Winfrey by not inviting her.

However,Winfrey's production company, Harpo, issued a statement Wednesday quoting Ms. Winfrey as saying, "They invited me. But I'm not going. I got tickets to the game. I'm going to Columbus!"


Anonymous said...

Reminds me of dumbass transplants in the South who schedule fall weddings. Even worse, they do that and then not have a tv viewing area at the reception. Even worse they do that and then not even have booze at the reception.

Anonymous said...

My buddy got married in 2003. He and his wife-to-be specifically scheduled the wedding on a Friday to avoid conflict with Football. Of course, that weekend, the Michigan-Minnesota game was moved to Friday to accomadate baseball. Unbelievable...

Anonymous said...

I have a buddy that scheduled his wedding the day of THE GAME, and expected me to be in it. Like that was gonna happen. Now of course, his anniversary when it falls on Saturdays will always conflict. Boggles the mind

Crabapple Buck said...

I wish these two kids luck, but I'm thinking this union won't last. She definitly won't be able to say he puts football first. Does she realize she is marrying a fanoik?

srudoff said...

My wife and I were supposed to go to this really nice resort in Kohler WI for our anniversary. She made all the plans before she told me about it. Of course she unknowingly picked this weekend (she's from Georgia so it's to be expected). Needless to say we're now going Sunday to Tuesday instead.

Msoccer said...

srudoff, you are awesome. marrying a georgia peach and then laying down the law for The Game. seriously. idol. mine.

MGOBLUE94 said...

Wisconsin + Resort + November = lots of indoor activities!

Have fun and relax after your team loses!

Go Blue!

srudoff said...

I can't afford to stay there til next season mgoblue!


Shelley said...

My husband and I are PSU fan's and accidentally scheduled our wedding on the Blue-White game (the annual offense-defense scrimmage held in April). We had several people go to the game instead of the wedding...luckily for us, they sent great gifts to make up for it : )

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Anonymous said...

What is your source for the Holmes' comments on the whole wedding/big game?

Yost said...

Uh...the imagination. Hopefully from the less-than-serious tone of this blog, such an outlandish thing would be obvious.