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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

BREAKING NEWS: Crisis in Columbus

(from MZone wire reports) -- Columbus, OH -- As first reported on EDSBS, Columbus is in a state of anarchy after violence broke out today during preparations for the Michigan-OSU game this weekend. A group of armed gunmen calling themselves “the Loyal People’s Army of UzBuckistan” has ousted mayor Michael B. Coleman, demanding statehood for what they are calling “the Republic of UzBuckistan." They've also declared former Buckeye coach Woody Hayes' birthday a national holiday...along with his death, the time he ran up the score on Michigan in '68, all the dates of his national championshiops and one more random date related to Mr. Hayes thrown in for good measure.

While those outside Columbus are calling it a coup d'etat, sources near the 'Shoe say students there are only referring to it as "really, really bad stuff" as "coup d'etat" was not a word many undergrads were familiar with.

The choas seems to have started when it began to sink in for Buckeye fans that beer in domestic bottles would not be sold near the stadium this weekend. Realizing they would only be able to chuck expensive, imported beer at Michigan fans, OSU faithful began fanning out in an attempt to stock up on domestic beer bottles before the ban took effect. Things quickly got out of hand when an angry mob stopped a beer truck near campus only discover -- quote-- "fucking imported piss beer" according to Bud Wilbinski who witnessed the event but claimed he didn't take part in the violence, simply stating, "the same shit goes on in Ann Arbor when we play there!"

As of this hour, the death toll at this hour stands at 3,000 as evidenced by the photo below.


In Washington, President Bush urged calm and said he was sending his top person to Columbus to take charge of the situation. However, many remained skeptical about the President's committment to Ohio when it turned out that aide he was sending was former FEMA director Michael Brown.

Sensing an unfolding tragedy, other world leaders quickly condemned the actions in Ohio with French President Jacques Chirac offering to send peacekeeping troops to Columbus. "Iraq-shmaq," said Chirac. "This is different. The French people have seen first hand the barbarism of Buckeye fans following the 2002 Michigan game. As such, we will do whatever it takes to help, including sending our entire 30 man peacekeeping force."

Stay tuned to the MZone and EDSBS as events on this growing crisis unfold. Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

we get it. you should just worry about the game.

srudoff said...

Gay - the lack of this stoopid stuff is what separated you guys from the other um blogs :(

Anonymous said...

srudoff

The presence of the stupid stuff that goes on in Columbus that leads to this stuff is what separates you guys from the rest of college football fans.

Anonymous said...

Yost Benny or anyone I am traveling to the game from Massachusetts. Big Michigan fan, where are you guys going to be located ? No tickets for the game and i read that rv parking is on the Jesse Owens Field. And to OSU or people who have been there where are the party spots after the game is done and all the cars are turned back over?

Yost said...

Anon,

We're getting in Friday, staying at hotel that night but not sure where we'll be pre-game yet. Still coordinating.

Anonymous said...

It's funny because I go to ASU and an old woman in a Michigan hat was begging for beer. Since she was a Michigan fan I said no and she had her hoodlum son come over and threaten us for beer. Oh you Michigan fans and your classlessness. I've met many OSU fans at the Fiesta Bowls and only one Michigan fan (you don't seem to play in the Fiesta Bowl) and 100% of Michigan fans are trash and around 25% of OSU fans are trash. Granted my sample sizes are a bit off...

screwa2 said...

"Gay - the lack of this stoopid stuff is what separated you guys from the other um blogs :("

couldn't have said it any better.

this 'theme' appears to be morphing into a big 'excuse' - i.e. we lost BUT your fans are blah blah blah & CBus is blah blah blah.

maybe not, but it sure seems that way.

Anonymous said...

and we lost because some dogs sniffed us.

Anonymous said...

and we lost because MoC called Tress a cheater although he's obviously off his rocker.

Anonymous said...

and we lost because we had too many injuries.

DevilGrad said...

Right. Which is why this news broke on a blog run by two FLORIDA guys. Face it, Buckstaches, your fans have a growing national reputation for idiocy. At least your administration recognizes the issue; it's long past time that many of the rest of you do as well.

Anonymous said...

and we lost because Breaston can't make a catch on third and long to save his life - oh, wait, that's not what i meant.

Anonymous said...

Yost,
Sounds good man still trying to figure it out myself. Hopefully can meet up with some michigan fans. Ill be at the jesse owens field with the mass plates and passed out kids around it

Erik said...

Great stuff, Yost.

tOSU fans and LSU fans = A match made in trash heaven.

Anonymous said...

excuses, excuses.

Anonymous said...

trying to ease that pain.....the pain.

surrounded in columbus said...

look, you have had a lot of fans act shitty for some time (or maybe a few fans act a lot shitty), you've gotten a bad rep for it (the UT debacle last year hurt), and now everyone's laughing at you.

and to everyone else, it's kind of funny. some humor never goes stale-

Anonymous said...

typically people try to bring those down they are enviable of.

this may be 'grade school', but it's taking place right here & now.

simple, really.

TitleIX said...

GAY??

Oh please, honey srudoff....gays got more important things to do than parody C-bus or blog...

right?
I mean, right??? ;-)

srudoff said...

:)

i said gay but meant lame. i think that's slang for lame in some areas...

no? :)

srudoff said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
srudoff said...

I just hope that someone didn't spend more than 2 minutes coming up with that. It's just lazy humor.

You can give my 7 year old his own byline on the blog if you want to keep up this level of effort.

TitleIX said...

oh srudoff, you curmudgeon! :-)

I am kinda with you tho re: lame....
I wanna talk football, not these supposed 'fans' in C-bus

GO BLUE
BEAT THE BUCKS

srudoff said...

no curmudgeon,

just appreciate the normal high quality work here and was sad to see a piece of crap make it on the front page. it's a compliment honestly

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing Yost, Benny, et. al. must have received 500 emails from folks that saw the original "coup de etat" blog at EDSBS, so they posted a link and added to the story. Don't you sour tOSU fans have a stairwell to piss in or something grown up like that?

WhiteDawg said...

A Reminder to all Michigan fans make sure you bring those all important KEYS for "Key Plays"..pathetic.

Howard21 said...

I may have had the worst day at work, but that post made it all the better...that and some beer.

Anonymous said...

Sorry that Yost wasted some intelligent humor on many of you. Try to keep up, please.

Yost - See, the thing is...you REALLY struck their nerve when you threw their homeboy Bush in the mix. That was thee last straw.

Think about it -- it really IS a battle between RED & BLUE states. Ugh.

Well, I'm rootin' for the big stink weasel to latch on to the face of Brutus and not let go. (I still can't get that clip out of my head.)

War Eagle In Fla said...

My contacts inside Columbus say that Charlie Bauman is running a grassroots insurgency, but my sources could be UM fans.

Anonymous said...

trust me, Ohio voted for Kerry over Bush - unfortunately Diebold was doing the counting

14 and Ohhhh said...

For the love of God men - get over the pissing matches and petty name calling. I, behemoth Buckeye Fan, found that story hilarious and had to share it with my loyal Buckeye Nation friends (who also got a good chuckle from it).

If it wasn't for the love/hate of UM and OSU, we wouldn't be the greatest rivalry in college football; "The Game" wouldn't mean shit - it would be another #1 OSU v #2 Texas - no hype.

This is the game of the century people. THE GAME! Both of our teams are playing in THE GAME. The teams you love to hate playing as #1 & #2 for the NC title. What more could you ask for? It's an honor and privilege to be a part of this.

GO BUCKS!!!

Anonymous said...

As an Ohio native, I must say this is hilarious. I'm from Cleveland, the home of that Michigan traitor. I don't think any of us up here reall give a damn about Cowlumbus. If Ohio State was there, we wouldn't even recognize the city's existence. Btw, President Bush is rescinding his offer of sending in federal assistance for the coup d'etat. It seems he's still a little upset that Ohio elected a democratic senator and governor. God bless this fine state, and Go Bucks!!

Clashmore said...

as a die-hard, life-long notre dame fan i've had the unpleasant chance to lose to both teams (and in recent, big games).

no one and i mean no one is worse fans than... both teams. i don't even hate usc fans as much as you two.

its not the profanity or occasional fights, its the non-discretion between throwing a full beer bottle at me, or my 8 year old niece (that was michigan last year)

hell scUM fans? you threw trash on your own recruits.. that was classic.

osu, i was at the fiesta bowl last year.. don't get me started.

Anonymous said...

Nice, The Irish fan thinks both teams' fans are scum. I think that's validation were doing something right.

Sleestack90 said...

Yost, Benny, and all others: Any chance we can all meet pregame? I understand that you have safety concerns, and don't really want to broadcast your location, but I would love to meet the authors of the 2nd greatest website on earth (Orson & Stranko at EDSBS are a tenuous #1, just because I found them first).

Anonymous said...

A great place to find out everything you ever wanted to know about DETROIT AND MICHIGAN

Walker Evans said...

http://www.columbusunderground.com