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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Alabama Rehires Bear Bryant as Football Coach

(from MZone wire reports) Tuscaloosa, AL -- The University of Alabama announced yesterday it was rehiring legendary football coach Paul "Bear" Bryant to replace Mike Shula who was fired Sunday. The move sent shockwaves through the college football world since Bryant has been dead for over 23 years.

"Even from the grave, we believe Bear couldn't do any worse than the 6-6 record Shula delivered this season," said Alabama athletic director Mal Moore. "Plus, everybody we hire here is going to be compared to him anyway so we figured, why not just get the real deal?"

As word spread across Tuscaloosa that Bryant was coming back, spontaneous celebrations broke out on the campus where Bryant coached for 25 years.

"Wooooo hoooooo!" shouted Ned Bunderson from his pick up truck as he drove past Bryant-Denny Stadium. "It's like he never fuckin' left anyway, we talk so much about him around here. So this kicks ass."

When asked if he thought recruiting and actually coaching on game days might be a problem due to the fact Bryant was still technically deceased, Bunderson and the three O'Shaunessy brothers in the back of his truck became enraged and threatened to, quote, "Kick the fuckin' crap" out of our MZone correspondent "for talkin' shit", thus ending the interview.

School officials plan to place a houndstooth hat on the sidelines during the games and have one of the 6,000 Bear look-alikes who show up each football Saturday do all halftime interviews and post-game press conferences. While details are still being worked out, Bryant's salary is expected to be $1.1 million per year plus incentives.


Howard21 said...

I think I am going to get Clarrett tattoed on my ass, so everytime I drop a deuce I can say I am taking a Buckeye and wiping my Clarrett.

Anonymous said...

yeah howard you go do that - i'll pay for it even. seriously. put your money where your mouth is

Anonymous said...

too funny - you guys can make fun of a dead coach but something posted about bo gets deleted

Anonymous said...

How's Mzone making fun of him, dumbass? The correlations some of you cockgoblins try to make are despressingly bad. There was nothing offensive about Bear in that article. It's more or less a jab at their fanbase, actually.

Run along now.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

in most states you can't be drunk, high, or drunk and high when you get a tatoo.

anyone know about alabama?

Anonymous said...

all i posted was that perhaps michigan should hire the ghost of bo to replace carr. nothing offensive about that either and it was deleted

"ooooh it's too early to say stuff like that" was the excuse i'm sure

Anonymous said...

If you already knew how the fanbase would react, why would you bother flaunting your extreme dumbassitude with comments like that?

Whoops, answered my own question. Because you're a dumbass.

beast in bama said...

O'Shaunessy brothers? What, were they visiting cousins from Southie?

Try a name like "Drinkard" instead.

Bear's going to get all the old gang together for his staff: Stallings, Schnellenberger, Dye, Mal Moore, etc. Won't young recruits be in awe!

Honestly, the talk down here is not far from that - until yesterday, they were delusional enough to think that Spurrier and Saban were interested.

Personally, I think Mariucci would be a good hire, but no one is talking about him - and he's too smart to take this thankless job.

War Eagle In Fla said...

as an Auburn fan and a lifetime hater of everything red pachyderm, i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Reed4AU said...

Yeah when they mentioned Spurrier and Saban I started laughing. They also said Barry Alvarez, but that's also laughable.

I'd look for them to go the NFL route and look for an offensive guy who'll run a pro style offense. There not going to hire a flash in the pan guy from Rutgers(ooooh 2 decent years) or even a more established winner from a MAC or WAC school, they'll take an NFL guy.

Also I find it funny that Sylvester Croom at MSU still has his job, albeit barely. He was the second choice behind Shula for the Bama job.

Jim said...

And Ned? Was Ned a transplant from the North as well? Try something like Booger, Bubba, Tiny, Turnip, or Earl if you're trying be authentic sounding about someone from Bama (no offense, Beast - I'll admit most of those work for many in SC as well).

Gyle said...

That was fucking hilarious. Well done.

Anonymous said...

Hit the nail on the head, Yost. And in actuality, I think 60% of the fanbase here would think it was a terrific move.

Papa said...

That picture sent chills up my spine, as I actually saw the man quite a rowdy Tiger Stadium crowd in 1981, when he walked out and leaned up against the goalpost.

Alabama - where the legacy is more intimidating than any opposition.

Dr. StrangeCock said...

Just keep your hands off our Cock...The OBC.

As for that article, ummmm...it wouldn't be the first time.


Anonymous said...

That's really funny people. Grow up. We know we won't ever have a coach like the bear. You do know why we fired Shula. He was a horrible coach, that couldn't manage games, call plays, discipline players, and never got better as the year went on. Shula's record against ranked teams is 2-16, he's 0-19 when trailing in the 4th quarter. He refused to make changes within his staff.

I'm sick of all the non-alabama bama fans who were making fun of Shula 2 weeks ago now claim that Alabama is unfair to their coaches. Our last 3 coaches left because either they cheated on their wife, had drunken sex with strippers, or left because they didn't want to deal with probation.

Anonymous said...

correction: Dubose also went 3-8 when we were ranked preseason #3. And h e had sex with his secretary. But we actually didn't fire him for that. That was a year before his 3-8 record.

Jim said...

Anon 12:03, "We know we won't ever have a coach like the bear."

Let's hope not- one coach stating that they would claim a championship even if a "laundromat is the only one that declares us a national champion" is enough

Only in Tuscaloosa does 12 not equal 12.

Auburn Jenny said...

Per a recent news story, the bammer AD wants a proven head coach with a record of achievement "who can reach the level of excellence that all of us desire." He said the majority of coaching candidates will be involved in bowl games "so this will take time." That implies that he somehow believes bammer to be among the nation's elite programs, and that anyone would give their left nut to coach there. PLEASE. AT BEST, bammer is mid-tier SEC now, right there with MSU and Ole Miss. Auburn, LSU, Georgia, Florida and Tennessee are all equally matched as top tier schools, all with top rate facilities and national prominence.

A friend of mine posted on our Auburn board the following: In the 23 years from 1960-1982, Alabama won or shared the SEC title 13 times, meaning over half the SEC titles in that span (57%) went to one team. In the 23 years since (through 2005), the distribution is much more even: Florida 6 times (26%), Auburn and Tennessee 5 times each (22%), LSU 4 times (17%), Bama 3 times (13%) and Georgia 2 times (9%) (figures are rounded, plus shared titles are included so percentages don't add up to 100). THAT is the new reality. Even if somehow the Bahr did come back from the dead to coach, it's just not the same SEC from 25 years ago, and I doubt even he would be able to dominate the SEC since the NCAA tends to frown on the open payment of players and other forms of cheating.

So back to the original point: why would a "proven" head coach from a team good enough to go to a bowl game this year want to move laterally (at best) or to downgrade (at worst) into the cesspool circus that is the Alabama football program? Between their dysfunctional, in over his head AD, their dirt road non-graduate, redneck, inbred, backwoods, cousin humping dead coach worshipping fan base and their their Kool-aid drinking BOT led by the overbearing son of said dead coach, a coach of ANY prominence would have to be brain dead or owe some serious vig to some Vegas gorillas to even consider that job. It's a revolving door.

My prediction: an assistant looking to prove himself, or a head coach who has succeeded at some Div 1AA or low end Div 1A school. Recruiting the top 30 ranked schools is a waste of time.

Anonymous said...

Why do so many people hate teams like Alabama, USC, New England Patriots, and the Yankees? It has to be more than they are just jealous of the wins

Anonymous said...

Serious chips on their shoulders.....and probably small penises too. It's amazing how people act who really do have small penises. It's not an exaggeration at all, a small penis ruins people's attitudes.

jerry palm said...

I've read that most people that post anonymously have small penises as well....

Howard21 said...

Anon 9:12,

Mail me the check then I'll go get the tat.

Jim said...

Anon 1:56:

Bama is to winning what water is to Mars. May have used to be there, but the signs are now circumstantial at best and ain't coming back any time soon.

It's Rolling Baby!

Anonymous said...

To Jim, who posted: Let's hope not- one coach stating that they would claim a championship even if a "laundromat is the only one that declares us a national champion" is enough.

At least Alabama tells you who voted them the national championship and lists others also recognized as national champs the same year and who made the award. Check their web site. I don't know of another university that does that.

Go Bucks, beat . . . whomever

TitleIX said...

Not everyone in Alabama is a dumb hick
kudos to this b-ball coach who sued under Title IX for appropriate facilities for the girls' high school b-ball teams.


beast in bama said...

I'm so glad you think that everyone in Alabama is not a dumb hick.

How open-minded of you.

TitleIX said...

ah beast---
my apologies.
the tone and tenor of the previous posts led me to believe that others consider alabama to be full of hicks.
I did not mean to say that I agree with that notion--but I see how you read it that way.


beast in bama said...

Thanks IX,

I responded only out of surprise. I always enjoy reading your posts from the "distaff" side of sports.

Your post about the encounter you had with Coach Schembechler in the hospital was moving.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
Why do so many people hate teams like Alabama, USC, New England Patriots, and the Yankees? It has to be more than they are just jealous of the wins

Did this guy actually equate BAMA w/ USC, NE Pats & the Yanks?

The people who hate those guys do so because of their ONGOING success. The prevailing attitude towards the current circus in Tuscaloosa reeks more of slapstick and "Thank God it's not us."

TitleIX said...

You sir, should get the "Best Use of an SAT word on a blog" award!!!

Love it!

Armen said...

How important are the college football coaches. How many percent of the success is up to the coach and up to the players? But I think good and strong leadership is very important. LR College just hired a top notche football coach for it's team, Fred Goldsmith Goldsmith was a two-time NCAA Division I National Coach of the Year at Rice (1992) and Duke (1994). The story appears in yesterday's HULIQ at http://www.huliq.com/337/college-names-fred-goldsmith-new-head-football-coach

Anonymous said...

hell i'll take the funk'n job! t'aint never lost nothing, never won either, i'm pert ner the goat for the job!

Anonymous said...

Published reports say that Rodriguez was seen talking with Dennis Franchione in N.Y. on the day he interviewed for the Alabama job. It would be interesting to know what Franchione told him. Whoever is next approaced about coaching at Alabama may want to ask the AD to provide, in writing, assurance that there are no unknown NCAA violations. Alabama is still on probation, and some say Dennis Franchione claims he was misled about Alabama's NCAA problems. I'm not saying there have been NCAA violations, but if I were a prospective coach I would want written assurances that no NCAA regs were violated (or the NCAA statute of limitations had run or the NCAA had cleared Alabama of any potential charges) when:
1. An athlete with rumored grade problems was taken to the Cotton Bowl with the team, but held out of the game last year for an unidentified "suspension." If the athlete, who is set to return next season, was academically ineligible, I would want written assurance that the athlete is eligible to participate next season under NCAA regs;
2. Courses were taken as discussed in a recent Birmingham News article (classes scheduled only on Saturdays when players knew they couldn't attend class because of games); and,
3. A starting defensive player last summer was arrested driving a car with a stolen gun and marijuana. Charges basically went away after the player pled guilty in drug court. Player was represented by a lawyer from a law firm that was involved in helping a plaintiff in a lawsuit filed against the NCAA by former Alabama recruiting director Ronnie Cottrell and Assistant Coach Ivy Williams. Paul Finebaum, a radio talk host in Birmingham, said the player was driving a car owened by a wealthy booster (whose daughter was alllegedly in the car). Don't know whether the player paid for his lawyer or not, but NCAA regs are pretty specific. See below:
"Pro bono legal services provided to student-athletes

Date Issued: Jun 27, 1990
Type: Staff
Item Ref: a


a. Pro Bono Legal Services Provided to Student-Athletes: Reviewed Bylaw 16.02.3 (extra benefit) and Bylaw 12.1.2 (amateurism -- forms of pay) in regard to an outside agency that wishes to provide pro bono legal services to a student-athlete, determined that such an arrangement would not be precluded provided the agency has provided this type of service in the past to other needy individuals (based upon nonathletics objective criteria), and the student-athlete initiates the contact with the agency."

Anonymous said...

It would be a good idea to hire the ghost of Bo, but don't you think they should wait until after the Rose Bowl, considering his record there?

geekin72 said...

I was just slightly curious what all of you "highly educated" yanks and Awbren fans think now that Saban has accepted the HC position, completed his coaching staff hires, and begun wooing some of the top prospects in the country. Is it still laughable to think that he would come here?
And to the Awbren female (and I use that term very loosely considering the 'shallowness' of the gene pool from which she came), are you really calling Bama fans inbred? LMAO! This coming from a fan whose father, brother, and uncle are most likely one in the same.

dina said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.