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Friday, October 13, 2006

Pity the Spartans? Have You Seen Their Cheerleaders?

Michigan State is known—or is infamous a better word?--for several things: the spectacular meltdowns of their football teams, riots, being the worst school in the Big Ten. Oh, and that whole sorry John L. Smith thing. It’s got to be hard to be a Spartan fan. But, could there actually be something Michigan State has over Michigan? Could there be something for the long suffering Michigan State football fan to look to for hope? Or, is it that there is something for the Michigan State football fan to look at? As in their cheerleaders.

The thought had never occurred to me until I read Maize n Brew’s entertaining notes of the Michigan – Michigan State game (think a cryptic, shorthand version of mgoblog’s Upon Further Review):

Lets go soccr moms! Good god wear somthing sexy!

Msu chrldrs so hot. can cnt abs on stmchs frm our seats. imprsv.

Michigan State cheerleaders are hot? Is this possible? I was led to believe that only the SEC—with its warm, autumn weather that’s suitable for the scanty attire needed for cheerleaders to be considered truly hot—had the market pretty much cornered on hot cheerleaders. Could it be that cheerleaders from a Big Ten school, braving the cold winds coming off the Great Lakes and jumping up and down on the frozen tundra—always wanted to write that—of the Midwest, actually wear revealing attire?

The answer is yes. Behold, the short skirts and bare midriffs of the Michigan State University Cheerleading Team:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Which begs the question: What gives? If the Spartans can have scantily clad cheerleaders, why the hell can’t Michigan—winningest program in college football, biggest stadium, all those mythical national championships, best helmets ever, etc, etc, etc—have some suitably attired cheerleaders on the sidelines, too? Why the LPGA/soccer mom look? It’s not like East Lansing—burning couches notwithstanding—is any warmer than Ann Arbor.

At the risk of sounding overly lecherous and offending our female readers (which I would never want to do since we internet guys get downright jubilant at any interaction with girls) let me explain a couple of things about football and cheerleaders.

Football is probably the most masculine sport there is. It taps into some very primal characteristics of men: violence, aggression, speed, power, size, spatial skills. It’s a smorgasbord of skills and traits that took scattered, frightened primitive humans eeking out a pitiful existence and turned them into the most dominant species on the planet.

When Chad Henne sends the football sailing into the hands of a sprinting Mario Manningham 30 yards away he’s using the same skills that primitive men used to hurl a rock into the skull of a charging mastodon. When Shawn Crable chased down Brady Quinn it was like he was grabbing a fleeing deer to pull it apart and feed his village. When Mike Hart picks up a blitzing linebacker he’s defending a precious waterhole, his children, his mate from marauders. At its most basic level football is about instinct and the inherent human desire to prevail and survive.

Hunting, killing, fighting, defending what belongs to us and destroying what belongs to others are all very basic drives and are what men evolved to do in order for humans to survive in a harsh and unforgiving world. Then there’s sex. Men like that, too. In case any of you haven’t heard. And that’s where the cheerleaders come in. They’re not really there to lead cheers. I know when I need to scream my head off, most football fans do. They’re there to look good. They’re there to stir up that last primal urge that isn’t encouraged by the athletes bashing each other around on the field. They complete that journey into the primordial part of the male brain that makes watching football such an instinctive joy, a wonderful respite from all that is civilized and tame.

To do that, cheerleaders should be young, fit, and attractive. Displays of flexibility don’t hurt either. Their attire should also be kept to a minimum and be as form fitting as possible. This is where Michigan is failing terribly. In a season when there’s almost nothing to complain about, Michigan foists these monstrosities upon us. Who designed them, the Taliban? Sure, these are college students so they don’t need to be in spandex hotpants a la the NFL and gyrate around like strippers a la the XFL--not that I’d complain--but there are some basic, minimum requirements that should be met.

Short skirts that show lots of leg are a must as are short tops that show of the midriff. That’s all I ask for. Long sleeves are fine, not everyone plays games in Florida and I don’t want these young ladies succumbing to hypothermia. Still, I’d like it to be apparent that they are young ladies who are lithe and lovely and highly appealing. I want to think ‘mmmmmmmmmmm,’ not ‘huh?’

In country full of minivans, malls, drive through fast food, and jobs in cubicles--fucking cubicles!--we could all use a little more of the simple, primal things that once define humanity. So, hats of to Michigan State and their nicely attired cheerleaders. The next time John L. Smith does something really stupid--tomorrow, anyone?--the next time the Spartans choke, the next time someone involved in Michigan State does something really embarrassing, the Spartan fans can at least look to their cheerleaders on the sidelines and enjoy themselves.


Anonymous said...

My wife and I were at the game this weekend and she's pretty conservative. But even she commented that our cheerleader’s outfits looked shameful. In the second half the temperature dropped to a bluster low 48 or something and our cheerleaders broke out the winder jackets to boot. Truly embarrassing, something has to be done.

Anonymous said...

Let me start this by saying that 1) I am 33 yr. old mother of 3... 2) a UM alum... 3) a very conservative person.

I TOTALLY agree about those STUPID uniforms! I e-mailed the coach this week to let her know (kindly) that they are awful. My e-mail was returned. Even if they don't want to show their abs, that is fine. I sit in scetion 7 so I get a great view of the visiting teams cheerleaders & bad fags & I was SO VERY disgusted by the jelly-bellied cheerleaders of CMU. So, if they want to hide the belly region, fine... WEAR UNIFORMS THAT LOOK LIKE A CHEERLEADER'S UNIFORM!!!! Honestly, it looks like the moms from my son's preschool class got together & formed a squad. They don't look collegiate at all. And, you cannot tell me that they need new uniforms. I saw them at the first 2 games & they looked like normal cheerlaeding uniforms. Plus, if you want new uniforms, get them. We have a lot of wealthy alumni that I am sure would spring for them. If not, sell Little Ceasar's pizza kits. My son's classes just did that & made a butt-load of $$. Do anything, but don't wear those nasty golf shirts again.

Does anyone have any contacts with the cheerleading department? Again, I tried to e-mail, but as unsuccessful. I agree with the previous blogger THAT SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE! We look ridiculous. We have this awesome football team with awesome uniforms/helmets and awesomely bad cheerleading uniforms. Does this make sense? Someone think of something to do.

Hey, maybe we can get some loser EMU dean's list student to stand outside cheerleading practice with an aluminum bat. Maybe a bad idea, but something has to be done.

Go Blue, Beat PSU & leave the cheerleaders at home.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry but if those girls went to an SEC school they would be stuck on the JV squad until the scars from their plastic surgery heal. I am highly unimpressed...

I invite you to view the following links to see real cheerleaders.
War Eagle!

(Sorry there are guys in some of the pics, I am sure you can photo shop them out)


Anonymous said...

Try this one...

Anonymous said...

I'm with Aubie on this one.

MSU's girls could only dance the early shift at Platinum Plus on a weeknight. Not that I would know anything about that.

Anonymous said...

My roommate and I were discussing this a few days ago and came to a few conclussions about why MSU has such hot cheerleaders:

1. They have a huge population to contribute to them
2. It's not like you need good grades to go to state, hence the hot ditzy cheerleaders from HS can get in
3. No one in their right mind would pay good money to watch the football team, so they need to have hot cheerleaders


Theri Maa, Bhanchod! said...

skeet skeet skeet skeet!

Anonymous said...

Cheerleaders are a 6.
Commentary is a 10.
Well done BaggyPantsDevil.

daddy said...


Amen and congratulations. This is the best treatise on cheerleader attire I've ever read. Should be required reading for chearleaders, their coaches and anyone aspiring to design their uniformas.

Ungar Kelt said...

Not so fast, anonymous Auburn fan. I went to your link, and didn't see anything to get excited about.

The "Solid Gold" Dancers' wardrobe department just called - they want their outfits back. Those sequined orange tube tops and pink sequined tank tops with black stockings look horrible - how in the hell can you pick outfits that actually make a group of hot 20 year- olds look like dumpy baton twirling majorettes from some class D high school?

And not a bare belly in sight! What the f*ck? I'll take the Sparty cheerleaders any day.