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Thursday, September 28, 2006

Move Over Beano--There's a New Intolerable Prick in Town

During last Saturday's tOSU-Penn State game--sometime after JoePa almost literally crapped his pants and before Nitany Lions QB Anthony Morelli figuratively crapped his--I heard something that made me furious (well, as furious as I could get while basking in the glory of another Michigan pounding of a team that beat us last year.)

I heard venerable ABC college football announcer, 1966 Heisman Trophy runner-up, quarterback of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, and NFL Hall of Famer Bob Griese, struggling to make a point about how teams seek to establish a successful rhythm and identity early in the season. Unable to grasp the right word to make his point, Griese jokingly reached out to his broadcast "partner" Paul Maguire, asking the walrus-faced former Buffalo Bills punter and booth blowhard, "What's the word I'm looking for Paul?" With all the clever sensitivity of the Ralph Fiennes character in "Schindler's List" Maguire snapped, "I don't know, it's in your mouth. Get it out!"

Though I couldn't see Griese, his subdued reaction made me think that he was embarassed. Embarassed by Maguire, a man who is clearly among the worst announcers in all of sports. He adds nothing--no insight, no humor, nothing. He does not even have a good voice or a pedigree as one of the sports' greats. He was a freaking punter! For the Buffalo Bills!

As far as I can tell, Maguire has his job because he was already signed for this season to announce NFL Sunday Night games, which were formerly broadcast by ESPN. Rather than jettison this useless gasbag the network decided to stuff his flabby ass into a college booth, where he takes away air time from two consummate pros, the aforementioned Griese and the vastly unheralded Brad Nessler.

My contempt for Maguire was accelerated by his dissing of Griese, but it has its firm roots in his abysmal performance as part of the three-schmuck booth that ESPN foisted on the viewing public over the past several years. When you can stand out as the most obnoxious man on a broadcast team that also includes Mike Patrick and Joe Theismann, that's saying something. Patrick's repressed hostitlity makes him term most everything "wonderful, wonderful" and Theismann's relentless verbal diarrhea forces his mouth to do a Joe Pa Dash to the Can whenever he opens it.

Paul Maguire, don't you dare insult Bob Griese. And don't try to be funny. Better yet, do us all a favor and just shut your worthless yapper until your contract runs out. In the words of Seinfeld's postman neighbor Newman, "I loathe you!"

31 comments:

Sports on a Schtick said...

I think all football fans can unite and agree that Maguire is terrible.

Ryan said...

This is why I love the Internet -- For years I thought it was just me that found Maguire absolutely horrible.

I figured if ESPN kept him, he must be pretty good.

Anonymous said...

Actually he's much better than Michigan's own Dan Deirdorf who has called approximately 7,500 QB's "one of the best if not the best ever." And by the way when did Bob Griese become the consumate pro?

Chris of Dangerous Logic said...

Theisman I get, but what's your beef with Mike Patrick?

TitleIX said...

better yet....
who do you actually like????
cuz, it seems we all dislike just about all of them!?

Andy said...

I like Erin Andrews....

Mike said...

I can't stand McGuire. And when he was teamed with Theisman it was like fingernails on a chalk board.

Anonymous said...

Maguire is just awful. He was trying way, way too hard in the booth in last week's game. Note to broadcasters: Let the game be the entertainment. Sprinkle in some useful info (stats, etc.) and then shut your g.d. cakeholes.
O.K. I feel much better now.
By the way, I cannot stand Dan Fouts either.

WhiteDawg said...

I know it might not be the same for michigan fans but Brent Musburger has something against Ohio State. I can't stand to listen to him when he is calling a OSU game. Last year against Michigan he literally said, "It's a good thing he slipped." Talking about Santonio Holmes when he was about to break away after making a catch.

IC said...

Schtick: Not only can we unite in hating Maguire, we must unite in hating Maguire.

Ryan: Yes, the Internets is a great thing. But don't think so highly of ESPN--they have been employing Stuart Scott and Chris Berman for many years, and God knows those guys are brutal as well.

Anon: I agree that Dierdorf isn't much of an announcer, but he at least seems like a good guy (I met him once on an airplane and he was very nice.)

Chris of DL: I don't hate Mike Patrick and he does have a good voice, but his constant praise of everything and everyone (as well as his many mistakes) lead me to think he's a big phony. I do enjoy hearing him announce Duke-NC basketball games, however.

titleix: It's funny that you asked who I actually like, because early yesterday I was explaining to Benny that I like college football announcers more than those in any other sport. I praised Griese and Nessler in the original post, but I also think very highly of Bob Davie, Brent Musberger, Ron Franklin, Mike Tirico, and Kirk Herbstreit. Hell, I'll toss in Gary Danielson and Verne Lundquist as well, though it's always a bit disorienting to hear Lundquist's voice during a game that is not the Sun Bowl. Nothing goes together better than that man's voice and the mountainous view where El Paso meets Juarez.

Andy: How could anyone not like Erin Andrews?

Mike: You insult both fingernails and chalkboards when you compare Theismann and Maguire to them.

anon 7:00: I disagree with you about Fouts, though I think he has suffered from spending about 70% of the telecast covering for the mistakes made by former broadcast partner (and formerly great announcer) Keith Jackson.

whitedawg: Though I typically reject the idea that announcers favor certain teams, I must admit Brent does seem to like Michigan or at least really enjoy broadcasting our games.

harry hasselhoff said...

Whoa, I'm no Maguire fan but I think this is a bit of an over reaction - I mean, move over Beano??

NO WAY is Maguire worse that Beano Cook, he of multiple chins; the Irish-fellating windbag that is ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING and to this day is lobbying for Ron Powlus to be retroactively awarded those four Heismans he was robbed of. No way.

At least I can agree with you that Nessler and Griese are the best combo in any college football broadcast booth this side of Beckmann and Brandstatter.

Anonymous said...

Bill Curry blows as an announcer but I think he gets a lot of the SEC not-so-games-of-the-week. He is getting better though, I'll give him that.

Cool Hand Mike said...

I was wondering what kind of qualifications Maguire had.

Punter? PUNTER?

May I serve you a glass of Shut The Fuck Up?

matsut said...

ic: That wasn't the only tense moment between Maguire and Grease (I knew his son Scott when he went to UVa, he was a Sigma Chi with my brother - we called him "Grease", so I'm calling his dad "Grease"). I've already deleted the PSU game from my DVR, but I remember after one of Maguire's fatuous observations, Griese said, "How do YOU know?", and Maguire said, all pissy, "I watched the play on the field." They also just flat out disagreed about something, I can't remember what, later in the game, and not in an agreeable fashion either. It would have been much better with just Nessler and Griese, Maguire's always an indisputably annoying prick.

On the subject of Musberger's perceived bias against OSU: I got over that one a long time ago. Brent's been doing an outstanding job on OSU games in recent years.

Here's a question for you UMers: did it ever strike you as unseemly that ABC allowed Griese to call games in which his son was playing? And that he called him "Brian" on the air? (Although, now that I think about it, calling him "Griese" would've been even more unseemly) I don't think, of course, that it somehow gave UM an advantage, and Griese never said anything blatantly pro-UM, but still...it was just salt in our Cooper-era wounds, I guess.

D. King said...

Very well said.

Mike said...

There was definitely some tension in the booth between Griese and Maguire. I'm not sure what happened first, but I recall Griese cutting Maguire off with a pretty condescending "you're wrong". Awkward silence ensued.

Medals said...

Is it just me, or does Maguire looked stuffed (i.e., by a taxidermist) in that photo?

Anonymous said...

I've always hated having to listen to him doing nfl. I was also disappointed to read he'd be doing cfb, but I have to admit that I really like the team. That said, I'd prefer a number of others over him, but he brings a decent pace to the game. Sorry, don't agree. Now Muffburger, that's a different story. He'd call his unit "one of the best ever" with John Holmes laying wood across the room.

Reed4AU said...

JC said "...another Michigan pounding of a team that beat us last year." Correct me if i'm wrong, but didn't Michigan win that game last year?

Anyway, as bad as Maguire is, he's not even close to the level of Beano. To find an announcer or even just a person as bad as Beano you would have to let Michael Irvin announce a game.

Anonymous said...

reed4au, if you are a Michigan fan you must live a happy life. The ability to forget horrible losses is one I've not yet mastered.

Wisconsin won, 23-20. You can Google for the gruesome details.

WhiteDawg said...

I can't stand Brent Musburger for the simple fact that he called the Horse Shoe, the Big House, last year on national tv against Texas. Which is no offense to Michigan b/c I do love the Big House, but come on.

tom foolery said...

reed4au: very funny. a couple of weeks ago michael irvin struggled to find the elusive city that is home to the ravens, while on air. dont they prep before they go on? shouldnt he know this?

he mentioned two teams in order by city "new orleans, washington, and... uhhh.... uhhh.... uhhh....."

followed by a brief silence. an awkward pause and stare. and then finally, without an article preceding it:

"Ravens."

pretty funny, im sure you all saw it.

Anonymous said...

Maguire is terrible. That is a separate issue from this comical diatribe.

What a hilarious overreaction over some playful banter... it was clearly lighthearted. There were a lot of jokes being thrown around that day (many at the expense of Joe). I would have believed it if someone reported they were tipping back a few during commercials.

As for griese, he's solid... but I've never seen him heralded as anything special outside of Michigan boards.

Nessler is excellent. I always wished he would replace Musberger, and team with THE best analyst out there:

Gary Danielson.

Sadly CBS killed that dream. ABC/ESPN/Disney pays Kornheiser & Theisman big bucks, but can't manage to retain their best analyst.

Business as usual for a cheapening empire known as ESPN. Fire quality (Aldridge), retain stupidity (Steven A Smith).

Cliff Keen said...

Agreed. The two best teams used to be Keith Jackson and Bob Griese, and Brad Nessler and Gary Danielson. ABC managed to screw that up a few years back by splitting them up in connection with Jackson's 1st retirement (or was it his 2nd, 3rd, or 4th?).

Anything with Mushmouth is bad. Maguire makes it incredibly worse, as does that three men in the booth bullshit.

As for Griese calling his son Brian, what did you want him to call him - Griese? How stupid would that have been? The reality is that Griese did a pretty good job when his son was playing - can you imagine the stress of calling the game with your son playing quarterback for a national championship team? I think I would have crapped my pants with nervousness.

Also, do you notice, a lot of the announcers call these kids by their first names now? (i.e., Mushmouth calls Troy Smith "Troy" like they drink beers together) Now that is annoying!

Anonymous said...

i no this isent about commentators but does any one else just watn to pich there tv when lou holtz wont shut the fuck up about notre dame having the inside track to the bcs title game after they got a game against msu haneded to them. He has to be the most biast analyst out there

TitleIX said...

Love--
Mike Tirico
Kirk Herbstreit (sigh)
Keith Jackson
Bob Davie
John Saunders
Brandy

Hate--
BM
Lou Holtz
ALL of the Bowdens
and now, Paul Macquire: he says nothing relevant to the game, and he dissed Griese. What a jerk.

ps--and for Andy, hearts to Erin

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

yeah, maguire blows goats. but just about everybody is better than mark may. yeah. mark may.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised by these comments.

I've watched the game three times now and I have to say Bob Griese was clearly the worst announcer in the booth.

He was so bad that I started to feel sorry for him. I actually thought he was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.

I'm not a Maguire fan but the shot that Magurie took at Griese was warranted he was totally lost during the game.

buckeye john said...

anyone notice that kornheiser and theismann absolutely hate eachother? you can cut the tension with a knife. i feel bad for mike turico

buckeye john said...

another thing, why was trev alberts fired when lou holtz picks ND and SC to win every week? I mean, he picked SC over auburn.

Anonymous said...

Griese was fucking drunk during the game. Either that, or he's getting JoePa quality dimentia.

Maguire may be a dick, but that doesn't give Griese a free ride for sucking.