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Friday, September 01, 2006

It's An Officially Licensed Buckeye World

Today, Ohio State will start selling its latest university licensed food: Buckeye HerOes cereal. The honey-nut-flavored toasted oats will cost $3.49 for a 14-ounce box and feature three Tosu football players from last year -- Bobby Carpenter, A.J. Hawk and Anthony Schlegel -- on the box.

According to the Columbus Dispatch link above, a handful of other universities have had cereal promoting their schools, but none on the statewide scale of OSU’s promotion.

Gee, there's a shocker.

Next up, we shit you not, the school hopes to license -- still not joking here -- Brutus Buckeye milk.

Look, we get it. You love your team. But for crying out loud, where does it end?

Well, funny you should ask. Because we here at the MZone have come up with some other officially licensed Ohio State food products...

Thirsty? Well, nothing quenches a hot summer thirst in Columbus like an ice cold glass of...


And if it's good nutrition and a desire to help Junior learn how to spell you seek, Campbell's has teamed up with Ohio State to bring you THE Alphabet Soup! Comes with the only letters a Buckeye fan needs: A, C, F, G, H, I, K, M, N and U.



Mmm Mmm Good? No -- Mmm Mmm Fucking Good!

In the snack aisle, this next item is a no brainer to have a Tosu tie-in. In fact, from its name and the various scandals in Columbus, I'm sure many folks assumed it already was a Buckeye branded item. Of course we're talking about...


Finally, after filling yourself up with the treats above and drinking 32 oz. of beer in 5 seconds, nothing feels better for the Buckeye fan than taking a nice healthy shit. That's why Ohio State and Charmin have teamed up to bring you "Ohio State Degree Toilet Paper."


Whether you're taking that Brutus sized dump at the bonfire after the game on High Street, in the empty cooler next to the Michigan car you torched or just kicking back in your mobile home, there's nothing like wiping your ass with a Buckeye degree (graduate and doctorate degrees also available).

Thanks to the many, many readers who sent us this tip!

28 comments:

Allaha said...

Shouldn't self-satisfaction come after you finish the season No. 1, not before a game has been played? . . . But then again, as we have learned from Ohio library visitors, why wait to wank?

bk said...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Bracing for the inevitable bum rush of drunk OSU fans coming over here to defile this fine site.......

Can't spell Lloyd without 2 "L's" said...

Woody Punch! Guffaw!

we win said...

4-1

Pants McPants said...

Funny stuff...though I'll have to pass on the soup- you could get an upside down "M" and a backwards "C" as a comma and it would look like "Win, Michigan"

I just can't take that chance...

Anonymous said...

As a Buckeye fan all I can say is, "Well done!" The Woody Punch double entenre is the cream of the crop! Nothing like the start of the season to get the mud flying. Good luck with ND. If they're anything like last year you should have no problem with them, er, unless you're anything like last year.

Becky said...

Very funny stuff today!

IC said...

I hope the "Woody Punch" isn't intended to ridicule Coach Hayes. I mean just look at that #58 guy! With that smug expression on his face, he was asking to get punched in the neck.

IC said...

"Good luck with ND. If they're anything like last year you should have no problem with them, er, unless you're anything like last year."

Great (and funny) point, Anon.

Andy said...

This may be the most hilarious blog-post I have ever read. Nice work guys !

Sports on a Schtick said...

Classic post. A tour de force of comedy.

JB said...

Dear "We Win",

57-39-6.

History does not stop and start at your convenience.

Anonymous said...

Instant Classic!

Anonymous said...

Are there buckeyes in the cereal?

Anonymous said...

Funny stuff ! I like "Woody Punch". You're really obsessed with everything Buckeye over here. I guess "1 and 4" will do that to you.

Ironically, Lloyd hasn't been able to eat cereal for the past few years - he keeps losing his bowls.

Meeeeechigan said...

Not gonna lie guys this is not that exagerrated i happen to live in the belly of the beast (columbus) they have actually partnered with Wendy's to create the brutus buckeye burger, No lie! I am so sick of hearing how good they will be year after year!!

OsodeOro said...

Okay....are they really going to milk Brutus? Sounds like it could be painful.

Boomer Bear said...

Ohio State will be upset by a Top 20 at best Texas Longhorns in week 2...

"The Bear"

Chuck Strawn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Yes.... this is a classic!

Anonymous said...

As a tOSU fan, you are (as always) right on about the level of inanity that exists in Ohio (what else is there to do there, anyway... Yes, Mike Cooper, I see that hand).

Great site, keep up the good work. May the Maize and Blue go 11-1.

Anonymous said...

I love it. Very creative and oh, so accurate.

I fear you guys this year more than those buckeye bozos. But....

"WE ARE..........Penn State"

P.S. If you thought last year's PSU-OSU game was a whiteout, you'd better bring a good pair of shades Oct. 14.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget...there is also a new Brutus Buckeye Burger at Ohio Wendy's locations now.

http://bloggingohio.com/2006/07/08/wendys-announces-buckeye-themed-burger/

WillinSacto said...

Yost, you owe me a new comp screen after I say Woody Punch. Coffee everywhere! Great stuff.

Go Blue!

Anonymous said...

The woody punch did crack me up, but for a site devoted to Michigan football, you sure seem to post mainly about Ohio State.

Rhobbie said...

Before you post about Ohio State food bothering you....

http://www.universalshopping.com/michigan-wolverines-college-nacho-cheese-dip.html

don't be stupid.

Anonymous said...

why in the hell will u wipe ur ass on ohio state make a fuckin michigan toilet seat and piss and shit on it and toilet paper of michigan...

Anonymous said...

we won the game it was an awesome victory ahhh what am i sayin we beat michigans ass what they score the bucks gave so were the best and nobody is gonna change that. they are determined to win and damnit there gonna do it.