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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Clarett Legal Defense Fund

First let me start this post by saying, believe it or not, I do almost feel sorry for the pathetic excuse that has become fomer Tosu running back Maurice Clarett. It's sad how far and how quickly he has fallen.

But any pity is overshadowed by the realization of how horrible we'd all be feeling today for INSERT NAME HERE had Clarett done whatever he was thinking of doing while drunk, wearing a bullet proof vest and driving around C-bus with four -- yes, one, two, three, four -- loaded weapons in his car. So forgive me when I say my sympathy well for Mo' is running a bit low. He's an adult. Period. Actions have consequences. And Clarett has shown now, many times over, that his behavior isn't an abberation, it's, unfortunately, who he is.

Even still, after all that, we're not heartless bastards here. Guys who would simply pile on a man whose life is in the shitter. I mean, if we were, we'd point out that at his most recent booking he was sporting a Buckstache. If we were total dicks I'd point out how sad it is that I have to save the Clarett arrest photos on my hard drive with more specific names now like "Clarett Mug Shot August.

But that's not us. Not the kind, big hearted MZone you know and love.

And to prove that, to show we're not just about semi-naked co-eds and Caption Contests, this is what we've decided to do. Usually, our Buckstache t-shirts sell for $19.97 in honor of Michigan's last National Championship. But for a limited time only, we're rasing the price a nickel, to $20.02, in honor of Mo' and Tosu's last title. Furthermore, we pledge that each one of those nickels will go into the Maurice Clarett Legal Defense Fund and sent to his attorneys.

That's what we do here, people. We give. We give until it hurts.

But only a nickel's worth of hurt. Not the hurt of being shot by man carrying four guns and wearing a kevlar vest.

P.S. Many of you noted that in our Photoshopped picture of Clarett yesterday - carrying a gun in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other - we had him holding Smirnoff rather than Grey Goose as was actually the case. Thus, in an effort for factual accuracy in our fake pictures, we give you the corrected fake picture below.


Anonymous said...

I know all this Clarett stuff is pretty bad, but even though I am a Trojan, I feel kinda bad. It is really sad actually.

I mean, who the hell drives around in a bullet-proof vest? SAD story!

Anonymous said...

Even more bizarre than his four loaded handguns, bullet-proof vest, etc., was the comment from his coach of the Youngstown Hitmen: "His arrest will not affect his status on the team." Then again, the coach probably tutored under Tressel, so that's par for the course. Makes you wonder what the hell you DO have to do to get kicked off the "Hitmen," or any other team in Ohio for that matter.

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't anything for sale honoring Michigan's 97 team be marked HALF off??


cockengr said...

guys, you have outdone yourselves on this one. my question though, for Mr. Clarett, regards the FOUR guns. I mean, FOUR. As wonderfule as Mo' is, you still only have TWO FREAKING HANDS.

Anonymous said...

You guys are dicks! But dammit I am laughing out loud at work. And don't even think about changing Tressel's Nickname from sweatervest to Bulletproof vest.

Go Buckeye's!

marychastain said...

I totally don't feel sorry for him. It is very sad what's happened to him, but he's been nothing but trouble since he started at Ohio State. One thing after another and yet never learned.

Can't spell Lloyd without 2 "L's" said...

I can explain the 4 guns - It's in case anyone tried to steal stuff from his car. Because it's happened before, ya know.

eric the wolverine in Chicago said...

you need to photoshop his mugshot with one of those stupid buckeye necklaces on. just throwing that out there

Anonymous said...

Anon 11:25- Later on in the rest of his quote, the coach of Hitmen also added: "I've seen much worse." LOL, Clarett's a lightweight in that league!

Eric, you're right, the Clarett mugshot with all those worthless nuts hanging from his neck would be hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Maurice who?


Live in the present!

Woody Hayes jr.

Go Blue, Eh! said...

Just came across this. It just keeps getting better

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- Maurice Clarett was ordered Friday to have a mental health evaluation after a highway chase and violent struggle with police who caught him with four loaded guns. The former Ohio State football star insisted he is competent to stand trial in another case.

EarleBruce88 said...

How can you people be so insenstive?