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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Dear Sterger?

Got some pressing life issues? I mean the tough stuff that you can't just bore a friend with on the phone for two hours? Well, forget Anthony Robbins, have Oprah go read a book and tell Dr. Phil to blow himself. America has found its next Dear Abby and her name is Jenn Sterger.

Reading EDSBS the other day, I saw a post about Jenn Sterger's Q&A column on SI.com. Apparently, people from across America email Sterger, a girl who's in that uniquely American Paris Hilton-esque category of being famous for being famous, to ask her advice on a variety of matters.

Makes perfect sense. I mean, obviously a girl who entered the public consciousness because she wore a bikini to a 'Noles game because somebody allegedly spilled beer on her and, allegedly, that's all she had to wear, knows a thing or two about everything from sports to fashion to relationships.

But do actual human beings really email Jenn Sterger to answer life's mysteries for them? Well...

Somebody named "Tyler Boyle" of Mesa, Arizona wrote, "Do girls really care how much a guy can bench?"

Dude. Dude, dude, dude.

Listen, "Tyler," if you really felt that the need to ask this question was so great that you logged onto your mom's work computer and sought out the answer from a Playboy's Top Ten Party Schools model, a) the two plates on your Olympic bar are 25 pounds or less and, more importantly b) you probably don't have to worry about dating much anyway so why bother?

Seriously, dude. Get ahold of yourself.

Now, you'll notice that I put "Tyler's" name in quotes above. That's because I still don't believe these emails are written by real people just trying to get a little life clarity from Jenn Sterger. In fact, I called directory assistance while writing this to see if I could track down a number for a "Tyler Boyle" of Mesa, Arizona. I wanted to ask him if he really wrote this or some college buddy was playing a joke on him. Like taking the "Free Dianetics Personality Test" under the name of the fucker who stole your girlfriend then wondering if he ever was able to get off the Scientology mailing list.

Unfortunately, 411 had no number for a "Tyler Boyle" in Mesa. That obviously doesn't mean he doesn't live and exist there. I mean, if "Tyler" is real and actually wrote the email to Jenn, I'm guessing he still lives with his parents and thus the phone isn't listed in his name. But it does make me wonder about "Tyler Boyle."

The other "reader question" that had me shaking my head was from "Daniel" in Huntington Beach, California, who - for reasons that will become clear by his question - didn't use "his" last time. Ol' Danny boy writes: "I'm 43 years old, in good shape, and have been dating a woman who is 26. We are not communicating in areas besides sports. We met at the gym and both like sports (USC, Lakers, Angels). How would you suggest we bridge the age gap?"

See, right there, due to the very question itself, I have doubts about the veracity of "Daniel's" email, too. Because if "Daniel" is an actual 43 year old guy dating a 26 year old girl he met at a gym in Southern California, in an upscale area such as Huntington Beach, he doesn't need advice on the subject from Jenn Sterger. He's either some shallow, rich guy who drives a Porsche and thus doesn't give a rat's cornhole how the communication is going with little Miss 26 as long as the sex is good, or, he is indeed a confident, well-adjusted guy witty, charming and good-looking enough to score a 26 year old at a SoCal gym and, as such, doesn't sit around writing emails to folks like Jenn Sterger to figure out how to keep it going.

But, on the off chance, this was a real letter written by "Daniel," enjoy the moment, pal. Because trust me when I say you're not secure enough to be dating this girl for long. And I'd bet my last dollar she's going to be leaving soon, sooner if she finds out you wrote in to some chick on SI.com for advice on dating her.

Hmm. Just had a thought.

As I wrote my answers to "Tyler" and "Daniel," I'm beginning to realize how simple it is for any moron to give advice. This shit is easy. And since I'm sure Jenn can't answer all the hundreds and hundreds of emails she gets from across America, maybe I could help. "Ask Yost?" Not a bad idea.

P.S. Do any of our readers in the Mesa are happen to know "Tyler Boyle" or "Daniel" from Huntington Beach? Really interested to know if they're real.

And don't say, "How would I know 'Daniel' when he doesn't give a last name?" Trust me, if he's a 43 year old dating a 26 year old, you'll know him. He'd make sure of that.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yost,
I'm a 43 y/o male, goodlooking with no apparent hangups. My question is ever since my vasectomy my sperm discharges are not what they once was.
Don't get me wrong, my commander in charge has no problem rising to the occation, the problem is MY boys don't seem to hangout in the sheer numbers they once did.

I have considered cutting back on spanking the monkey to see if this has any effect, but I thought I would check with you before I undertake any drastic measures.

Cliff Keen said...

For what's its worth, I sent Ms. Sterger an email awhile back asking her how a Michigan grad stuck in Columbus could find a way to score with some Buckeye babes but still remain true to the maize 'n blue.

I received no response from her. I'm guessing that Jim Tressel must be tagging her on the side. Or perhaps Ted Ginn Jr.'s father.

Anonymous said...

Cliff Keen,

Might I respond with answer for you: It is the 3 F RULE!

Find'em
F'em
Forget'em

BaggyPantsDevil said...

Cliff,

Does the term "grudgefuck" mean anything to you?

Hey! This giving advice out online really is easy.

Yost said...

Anon 5:23,

Never, EVER cut back on spanking the monkey.

Unless you're trying to get a woman pregnant, don't worry about number of the boys as long as the boys still come charging out of the tunnel.

Yost

Greg said...

I live in Mesa (but I am NOT Tyler Boyle) and in the phone book, there are three "T. Boyle" listings, but no Tyler. Sorry, that's the best I can do.

Yost said...

Thanks, Greg!

Anonymous said...

Greg - I'm a hot chick and live in Mesa, too. Are you single?


Oops, sorry Yost. I thought your site/column was starting down THAT road, too.

LOL

Greg said...

Greg - I'm a hot chick and live in Mesa, too. Are you single?

"Oops, sorry Yost. I thought your site/column was starting down THAT road, too."

Piss off you pussy

Anon.4 said...

Yost,

I am a male in my early 30's and good health. What has me worried is that I can no longer drink as much as I used drink. I realize that the economy of our country is dependent on us consuming and I sure as hell do not want to let someone's son down when his father is layed off from his job at a the distilling plant because a pussy like me is no longer man enough to suck back some Ol' no. 7 to help our economy. I fear that I am no longer a patriotic American and that I am letting someone's son down.

Please help me.

Yost said...

Anon.4,

Excellent question.

First off, you're absolutely right - you owe it not only to you, but to America to consume, consume, consume.

And I can relate to your problem. I, too, have noticed my consumption levels have significantly decreased since I left college. That and the fact that my friends now call me "Two Beer Timmy."

But that has not stopped me from spending just as much on alcohol. How, you ask?

Well, you mentioned you're in your early 30s so I assume you make more money than when you used to be able to guzzle non-stop in your early 20s. Thus, instead of going to the cheap bar with the $2 bears, simply go to the classier establishments in your area that charge $8 or $9 a beer (like strip clubs). That way, you'll consume less but spend the same.

Hope this helps.

Yost

Anonymous said...

Hmm, nearly a butterface and bad fake boobs to boot. Why is the "cowgirl" so famous?

Carl Tabb said...

Well, Cliff, unless Tressel and Ginn's father are bisexual I doubt they're tapping anything with a vagina.