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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Pat Robertson: Man of God, Man of Steel

"Televangelist", former Presidential candidate and nut job Pat Robertson can add another description before his name: Strongest Man in the World. That's because Robertson claims he leg pressed 2,000 pounds. On his Christian Broadcast Network website, Robertson claims he did this super-human feet in 2003 when he was 73.

This alleged feat by the Man of God (as long as it's his God and you agree with Pat's interpretation of religion or may you rot in a pit of hellfire for all eternity) is even more impressive considering the leg-press record for football players at Florida State is 1,335 pounds by Dan Kendra. Now, either the Seminole players are a bunch of pussies or maybe, just maybe, ol' Pat is, how should I put this...full of shit. Then again, maybe Pat is the pussy as the CBN website claims the doctor who trained Robertson has himself leg-pressed...wait for it...2,7000 pounds.

The CBN website also claims Robertson's energy is partially due to "his age-defying protein shake." The site even lists the shake recipe, which contains ingredients like soy protein isolate, whey protein isolate, flaxseed oil and apple cider vinegar with 6 heaping tablespoons of bullshit mixed with 4 ounces of fucking crazy.

Next week, Robertson will attempt to bench press a 985 bajillion kazillion pounds.

P.S. Folks, in looking up the CBN link to the claim above (ok, ok, I admit it -- I have it bookmarked), I stumbled across a Q&A section with Pat that contained the following:

Question: My Christian husband insists on traveling out of state, against my wishes, to attend a bachelor party with non-Christians in Las Vegas. He says there will be no pornography or sinful activity there. I still think he shouldn't go. Who is right?

Pat's Answer: The bachelor parties are normally orgies. They have strippers and lap dancers. A lot of people get drunk and there are dirty jokes. The answer is that there is just no way that someone is having a bachelor party in Las Vegas. If he is really all that holy and righteous, let him do it someplace else. But these bachelor parties are usually bacchanal revels. I don't know if you can keep your husband from doing it, but you can certainly protest strongly. He says there is going to be no pornography. He's living in a fantasy world. Maybe you have got a friend who is a little bit more worldy-wise who could say to him, 'Look. Here is what you are going into. You are supposed to be a Christian. You shouldn't have anything to do with this.' Wives can't exercise but so much authority over their husband.

MZone Answer: Dear Mrs. Wife of Bachelor Party Guy,

Judging from Pat's reply, he has no clue what the hell he's talking about. His answer sounds like it was written by Tawny Kitaen's character in the Tom Hanks movie, BACHELOR PARTY. Thus, as someone with more experience in such situations, allow me to help.

I have been to probably 10+ bachelor parties in my life (four or so in Vegas) and, unfortunately, it saddens me to report that not one orgy broke out at any of them. Yes, there were strippers (who gave lap dances, not strippers and lap dancers as Pat reported. They are one and the same). But trust me when I say your husband has a better chance of scoring with Pat Robertson than a Vegas stripper. They want his money not his body. Sure, he might think if he gets one of these ladies into the Emperor's Room at Crazy Horse Too, he has a shot. But he doesn't. He's just out $100 for three songs plus the drinks (although the dances are indeed a bit better. I'm just sayin').

Yes, he will get drunk. As for the dirty jokes, if you really think he has to go to Vegas to hear them, then you probably also believe Pat Robertson leg-pressed 2,000 pounds. However, don't worry about the "dirty joke telling" as that's usually not the top priority of most bachelor parties.

Now, I'm not sure what Pat meant when he said, "The answer is that there is just no way that someone is having a bachelor party in Las Vegas." Must be a typo. Maybe he was too tired from his big leg workout, setting Olympic records and such.

As for Pat's statement, "He says there is going to be no pornography. He's living in a fantasy world," like I said above, if there is any "pornography," chances are better than 99.9% your husband won't be participating. What I assume ol' Pat was talking about are the pay-per-view channels in the hotel rooms. But, he doesn't have to go to Vegas for those as such "adult entertainment" isn't exclusive to Sin City and is now available in any Best Western across America. Thus, if there's going to "be pornography" and your husband is so inclined to view it, he's doing it already and doesn't need to go to a bachelor party to check it out.

Hope this helps. Then again, if you're writing to a man for advice who believes women are second class citizens to a man's wishes in a married household, maybe you best get back to cooking dinner and feeding the kids. Remember, "wives can't exercise but so much authority over their husband."

8 comments:

t-towngradstudent said...

I feel so bad for the husband of this lady. Can't men be men and still attend church on Sunday? The answer here is go to Las Vegas and then repent when you get back.

Yost said...

Exaaaaactly, T-town. That's the way Catholics do it.

Anonymous said...

HAHA I am rolling on the floor so far this morning.... Pat Robertson is doing the best Anchorman impression ever. "Oh Veronica, I didn't see you there. I don't know if you heard me but I just did well over a 1000 curls. You see I don't have time to get to the gym so I have to sculpt my guns at work. "

Benny Friedman said...

Not bad for a guy whose real first name is Marion.

Anonymous said...

I believe the Duke's first name was Marion.

BaggyPantsDevil said...

LOL! Isn’t “flaxseed oil” now a euphemism for steroids?

I think the funniest aspect of this is seeing Pat Robertson squirming on the horns of a fundamentalist Christian dilemma. On the one hand, he clearly wants to stop this Christian husband from straying into the den of sin that is Las Vegas. On the other hand he can’t bring himself to suggest that the woman simply tell her husband he can’t go which would be something akin to women practicing infanticide or witchcraft to Robertson.

My advice for this woman, let him go and use the opportunity to have the hard drive of your home computer searched for porn. Then she’ll find out just how sinful her husband really is.

mhentz said...

Pat completely forgot to mention the gambling! What self-respecting guy would go to Vegas for a bachelor party and not throw around a pair of dice, or play some cards, or maybe play a little bingo...er....I mean keno?

Anonymous said...

If she's worried about her husband getting lap dances and falling in love with strippers I'd suggest that she suggest he go to Cheetah's during a week day. It's great at night, but those strippers during the day are down right scary looking.