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Thursday, March 02, 2006

M Zone Wonderlic Test

By now, most of you have probably heard that Texas QB Vince Young had a bit of a, shall we say, rough time on the NFL's Wonderlic intelligence test (reportedly getting only 6 out of 50 correct). In fact, Deadspin via YAYSports secretly obtained a copy of Vince's test.

But maybe the problem isn't Vince's. Maybe the problem is that such tests are administered for the first time right before these players go pro, with millions of dollars on the line, instead of players getting a taste of such testing out of high school. Thus, we here at the M Zone have come up with...

The M Zone Collegiate Wonderlic Test

Here is a sampling of questions:

1. If the Ohio State tailback gets $42,000 from a Buckeye booster but the Escalade he wants is $57,000, he should:

a) Buy a different SUV
b) Take a job he doesn't have to show up for from another booster to cover the difference
c) Ask Maurice Clarett to borrow one for him
d) Transfer to an SEC school with more generous boosters

2. Texas A&M scores 46 points against Miami in a bowl game. How many staff members will Larry Coker fire the next week?

3. If Joe Paterno's team loses a close game, how long before his players will be allowed to talk to the media again? Bonus: How long will Penn State fans complain on their message boards?

4. Which of these numbers in the following group is the largest?

a) 10 x 14 x 5
b) 632
c) 1,000 - 275 + 30
d) Charlie Weis' cholesterol level

5. A linebacker is 21. The underage girl he sleeps with is 16. At Tennessee, how many plays against a non-conference team would he have to miss as punishment?

6. If ESPN's Gameday crew were to go to Arkansas to cover a game, how much netting would be needed to protect Kirk, Lee and Chris Fowler from objects thrown by Razorback fans?

a) none
b) 200 feet
c) all Home Depot sells in a three city area
d) Trick question: Gameday would never go to Arkansas

7. Marcus Vick runs a 4.3 and Maurice Clarett runs a 4.48 but the 9mm Glock hidden in Vick's waistband is heavier. Who has a better chance of out-running the cops and evading arrest?

8. If the world's largest sequoia tree is almost 3,000 years old and the earth's crust is 5 billion years old, how old is Bobby Bowden if he started coaching before either?

9. If Michigan has a 12 point lead with under 9 minutes left in the game, how much time will be left on the clock when the opposing team scores the winning touchdown?

a) 3 minutes
b) 1 minute
c) :35 seconds
d) none, last play of the game and immediately named ESPN Instant Classic

10. Your team's stadium holds 96,000 fans but regularly only sells 32,000 tickets to its home games. How long will it take the team bus to drive back to Westwood?

11. Which would be more unbearable: Spending a hot day in the stall of Ralphie, the Colorado Buff mascot, or driving across Kansas in a vinyl-seated, non-air conditioned '73 Nova with Jayhawks coach Mark Mangino. Explain.

12. If you watch two hours of ESPN pre-game, four hours of post-game and six versions of SportsCenter during which Beano Cook appears 15% of each broadcast, how many times will you want to gouge your eyes out with a tongue depressor?

13. Floyd of Rosedale is:

a) Barney Fife's neighbor from the old ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW
b) The current WWF champion
c) A college football trophy as coveted as winning a giant stuffed animal at the state fair

14. If a Onepeat.com LSU fan wastes 60% of each day stewing over the shared title with USC in 2003, how many hours will he have left each week to not date women?

15. The ninth month of the year is:

a) June
b) January
c) November
d) The time when the Kappa Kappa Gamma girls arrive back on campus to start doing your homework again

EXTRA CREDIT: If Lou Holtz is brought in to rebuild your program, how many years of NCAA probation will your school receive when he leaves?

40 comments:

The Talisman said...

Pretty good shtik, for an equal opportunity offender. If this were Jeopardy, I'd expect question 9 to be "Poor Michigan Coaching" for $100.

Anonymous said...

Mich FF blogger:

I have been reading your blog for about 2 weeks now and I must say it's hilarious, mischievous, and "on point." I had a feeling you would create your own Wonderlic test and lo and behold, here it is. It's ingenious, man. By the by, I am an outsider to the Michigan family being a Penn State alum, however, anything Big10 is family to me.

Sfavjex (<-- is my word verification)

Anonymous said...

I'll give you aotherer bonus question:

If it takes 2 more seconds to beat a PSU team, how many seconds does
Lllloyd has to lobby to beat OSU?

A2saint said...

I think that depends on whether OSU players will be able to run out of bounds, then come back in bounds and catch passes...

The King said...

How about this one:

At which grade level does Anonymous read?

Anonymous said...

I love it. Very insghtful test, but I still wonder how Vince would score on this...

Trojan Mike said...

I scored a 6- YIPEEEEEE !!!!

Anonymous said...

Good stuff! I would really like ot see all 50 questions on your test.

Anonymous said...

Ok, this is just too funny for words!

Yost said...

Thanks, Anon.

Will Collier said...

The last question has been updated. It should read:

"If ESPN fires Lou Holtz this summer, how many scholarships will they lose for the 2006 season?"

Yost said...

LOL! Thanks for checking us out, Will.

Anonymous said...

*Ahem*
Fuck Michigan.
That is all.

Yost said...

*Ahem* Typical Buckeye class. *Ahem, ahem*

Anonymous said...

A2saint, I'm glad to see that refs have a better understanding of the rules than you do. I saw some wol fans admitting it was the right call after. Therefore I know there are fair wol fans who are brave enough to accept defeat.

Well, maybe we should add another question on how many excuses wolverine fans need every year to justify the fact that they lose face for big-10. I'll leave that honor to you since you have the insider info.

Anonymous said...

As a University of Oregon Alum and Fan I still give you props on your M Zone Wonderlic Test, nice work and cracked up a lot of out West...
Our biggest local sport talk show spent about 20 minutes on it and got you see free pub and even hazed Cowherd a little as well as he is from this area.
We'll be at your house in 07', see you then.
Go Ducks!!!

Anonymous said...

The Herd had your wonderlic on the air and just gave you guys the props for it today, so quit the whining

Anonymous said...

FINE Material... however, here's an additional query for you to chew on:
Even if the refs were paid off to rig the game for the mighty 'Huskers at the 2005 Alamo-Bowl, how many plays from scrimmage would it take for the clawless Wolverines to lose the game on their own?
GO BIG RED!
P.S. And don't throw stones at V'Young... maybe there are a couple of AnnArbor alums who would like to take a crack at that the Wonderlic, hmmmm? Anyway, a "6" that he scored kinda looks like a U of M incoming Frosh's SAT score.

nepa said...

I had to come to the M Zone after listening to Cowherd today and I laughed my way through your Wonderlic. Well done.

Anonymous said...

This post is beyond offensive. You can't even take the time to make one crack about Chokelahoma?

(sniffle)

Anonymous said...

is that really a nebraska alum questioning the intellegence of Michigan's football players?

i think that you could find a different venue of attack than to question michigan's academic rigor.

enjoyed the article...

ND12 said...

how bout, if lloyd carrs breast grow an average of one cup size after eevery three loss season and two sizes after every loss to notre dame or osu..what will his cup size be when he is eventually fired?

Anonymous said...

Good stuff. I thought the Charlie Weis weight poke was in bad taste though.

Yost said...

Anon,

If you read the site regularly, you'll find we have much worse taste than that.

Anonymous said...

What does the "N" on the Nebraska helmet stand for .......


Nowledge ... as a public service maybe someone can post why this is funny to the 3 husker fans who have figured out how to use computers.

Anonymous said...

die-hard ohio state fan finds that funny. especially the vick vs clarett one

Anonymous said...

pretty funny stuff.... all you need is something about KKKlimpsum thinking they could regain the college football crown if they could get back Danny Ford, and you'll have the Greatest Country Music Song Ever Written."
F-CU

Chip Wesley said...

Nice, I had to check this out for myself after reading somewhere about that tool Cowherd screwing you guys over on the air. I refuse to listen to that moron. For an "unwaivering opinion" I've never seen someone waffle so much on different subjects. Just a waste of good airtime for ESPN.

And you're right. The Floyd of Rosedale is pretty worthless. Especially since the Gophers haven't seen it in 6 years. I guess they're probably busy fondling the Little Brown Jug right now since they won't see that again for another 20 years.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely offensive that you seem to sanction sex with underage girls.

Yost said...

Anon,

And you are absolutely crazy if you think that's the case. I believe you are referring to one of the "questions" above. It's been so long since we wrote it, it's hazy but I think there was something in the news around that time about such a case and we were merely commenting on the light punishment the player received for such a transgression.

Bocat said...

Maurice Clarett That's all I have to say to the OSU fans. Great recruiting! The Marines should be so lucky!!

Fecal Matters said...

Income Nebraska Freshmen must score 15 or higher on the entrance exam: The number of times it takes to find the ear of corn on a cornstalk. That way they will feel at home when they sing the fight song (Green Acres Theme Song) that starts like....Neeeebraska is the place where the....Starting tailback has a fe-lo-ny

GLuc said...

How many years does Michigan have to lose at least three games before the NCAA stops accepting payments for top 15 rankings?

A. 1
B. A decade of mediocrity (2)
C. None because they were so good in 1900
D. Never."Tradition is better than winning"

JoeyZ from GP said...

For question #12, instead of Beano Cook, you should have put Brent Musburger. He is anti-Michigan, and he blows OSU. Remember during the Fiesta Bowl Last year, he kept on checking out Brady Quinn's sister?

Anonymous said...

joeyZ,

it makes me very happy you said that. i think it might not be so bad if he just didn't call THE GAME, but somehow he gets in the booth. kirk and bob would be perfect.

JoeyZ from GP said...

For all those people who I am writting this just becuase Michigan lost to OSU, save your energy becuase I'm not a sore loser. I thought it was a good game, and it could have gone either way. Plus, we all know that USC would get their @ss' whiped by both teams.

Anonymous said...

How many years did Michigan play football before they had an opponent?

JoeyZ from GP said...

Dude, you should shut the Fuck up. You really need to check yourself if you think the Big 10 is weak.

P.S. Oh by the way, you just got called out by a 12 year old

JoeyZ said...

Yo, i've got another one.

How many years of mediocracy does it take for Notre Dame to realize that Jesus Christ is not on their side anymore

Dominnic said...

Extra credit question: How long will the M zone leave this up after A U of M grad (mario Manningham) also gets a 6 on this exam. Also if a stutdent athlete admits to failing several drug tests how many recieving yards will he have the next season?