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Friday, March 03, 2006

Best of the Worst College Football Blogs

This is the first in an occasional series on the M Zone where we highlight the Best of the Worst College Football Blogs the Web has to offer. We start with a classic.

It's April, 2005. You're such a big college football fan, you can't wait for the fall to start your college football blog. It must be started now. Today. In the spring. You simply have too much to say before September rolls around.

So, you adopt the moniker PoDunkU and try to think of a name for your blog. And think and think and think, you do. Because the name is key. Without a good name, people won't be enticed to show up, read and comment. So you think some more and come up with a beauty. But it's so good, you figure it must be long gone. Some other college football fan surely must have snared it long before your April 2005 foray into the blogosphere. Slowly you type your name choice into Blogger and - Holy shit! - it worked! You somehow, someway got it: College Football Fanatics. Beware Deadspin. Look out Every Day Should Be Saturday. With a name like this, cyberfame, glory and a million hits a day are just around the corner.

In a state of euphoria and on a creative roll, you come up with another dandy for your sub-headline: All Football all the time! Which only makes sense. I mean, you're a college football fanatic, for cryin' out loud. There aren't enough hours in the day for all the football all the time that you're going to be blogging about.

College Football Fanatics: All Football all the time!

Wait. Something's not right. Something's...off. But what? Then it hits you like a Woody Hayes sucker punch in the Gator Bowl: the exclamation point after your sub-headline. Just one? No. You need two. No, fuck that. Three. Three exclamation points. Anything less and you wouldn't be a college football fanatic, would you now?

College Football Fanatics: All Football all the time!!!

There. Now it was perfect. Like Captain and Tennille, the two to be forever joined as one.

With your sweet name now safely secured, you sit down to write your first entry. The date, April 8, 2005. Even writing that first entry, you just know someday folks will look back on this day the same way Silicon Valley looks back on the moment Google came online. It will be like the day Hewlett and Packard cleaned the shit out of their garage to start HP. It will be like the time MicroSoft first illegally put another company out of business using its monopoly. Yes, April 8, 2005. A date which would live in blog - dare you say sports? - history.

You decide to start small at CollegeFootballFantatics.blogspot.com. No big or multiple posts. Not on the first day. Just a quick simple blurb talking about the 2005 Florida Gators. Your team. By the time the 10,000th visitor stops by on day two, then you'll really begin cranking out the posts. They will spew forth like water over Niagara Falls, flowing from your magical keyboard unabated. Remember, we're talking "All football all time time!!!"

And thus, with this screenshot below, capturing the moment for all to see, a shining star of the Internet was born. College Football Fanatics was here. And sports fans everywhere rejoiced saying, "PoDunkU, lo' thy name is genius!"


But, sadly, it was not to be. After that single solitary post of pure, unadulterated brilliance, PoDunkU packed up his laptop and disappeared into the cyber ether. Never to post on College Football Fanatics again.

Some speculate, like Orson Wells after CITIZEN KANE, his genius spent on that first post, PoDunkU had nothing left to give. But what he did give reverberates to this day, almost a year later.

"Hey, I'd be lying if I said CollegeFootball Fanatics wasn't the inspiration for our site," said M Zone founder Yost. "What we try to do - and fail most days - is live up to the bar PoDunkU set. But it's tough. His site, even though it was only one post, was like that first Hootie and the Blowfish CD: Flawless. So how do you follow up perfect? You don't. At least I guess that's what PoDunkU thought."

Thus, with the great name, the brilliant sub-headline and the most auspicious debut since TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, CollegeFootballFanatics...All Football all the time!!! was no more. But the memory, oh the sweet memory, lives on to this day. A memory and also a burden. A burden of expectations. Which all of us who write about college football and put up pictures of semi-naked ASU cheerleaders try to live up to each and every time we post.

COLLEGEFOOTBALLFANATCS.blogspot.com

R.I.P.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some things are too good, too pure, to last in this world.

Anonymous said...

oh man, that was hilarious. Great writing.

BaggyPantsDevil said...

LOL Simply awesome!

And the cherry on the top of this blog is the first and longest comment there:

'Brand New News Fr0m The Timber Industry!!'

Note the typo AND multiple exclamation points!!! There’s definitely a theme here.

For a blog that’s “All Football all the time!!!” the comment pushing the stock of Energy and Asset Technology was totally appropriate. I mean they have this genetically enhanced Global Cedar which can be harvested after only 9-12 years of growth. Who the hell wants to wait the usual 30-50 years?

But there’s more! This Global Cedar is lighter than Poplar and twice—yes folks you read that right, twice!!—as strong as Balsa.

Best blog ever. I may not have gotten much insight into college football or the Florida Gators, but I learned a thing or two about the genetically enhanced Global Cedar.

Doug said...

Yep, the fact that all the comments were spam just kind of ices it.

BaggyPantsDevil said...

OK, I don't know if there's a connection or not, but I just got a junkmail asking to exchange links between the M Zone and another blog:

"Hey, what's up your site rulezz!"

Two Z's AND an exclamation point. How can I resist?

Yost said...

You can't, really, BPD. Offers like those, well, they don't come along everyday...unless we turn off world verification.

Orson Swindle said...

He was like the Velvet Underground. Thirty people bought the album...but they all started bands, mannnn....

BaggyPantsDevil said...

I just hope this doesn't mean that in a year 80% of blogs will be trying to sell crap and spamming the 20% of blogs that are real.

Then the comments here will look like this:

Fuck Michigan!

Get FREE Viagra, online!!!

scUM are a bunch of faggots!

Make the ladies happy! Enlarge your penis safely and scientifically.

Great site guys, do you know how much money you can make breeding alpacas? I make $20,000 a month!

Yost said...

BPD,

Hey, can you forward me the thing about safely enlarging one's penis.

Thanks.

BaggyPantsDevil said...

Yost,

Oh, it's easy. Just scroll down to your About Those Sig Pics... post, look at the photos there--my preference is for the third one--think impure thoughts, and watch it grow.

Yost said...

LOL, BPD!!!

And I must say, we have the same taste in inappropriate sig pics. That third one...wow!

Beaker said...

OMG!!!

(blogger rulezz, ummm, i mean rules, saying we have to use the multiple exclamation points)... now i'm scared. as a blogger who hasn't posted in over a month, ummmmm, who do i have to bribe to keep from being #2 in the series?

Harry said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.