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Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Devil Speaks: Anybody Noticing a Pattern?

Michigan's Bowl Opponent After the 2003 Season:

Southern Cal

Results the Following Year:

* Team goes undefeated
* Crushes overrated Oklahoma in Orange Bowl
* National Champions
* QB wins the Heisman Trophy, parties at Playboy Mansion and nails more beautiful women than all other football players combined
* Head coach declared greatest coach in college football history and son of God

Michigan's Bowl Opponent After the 2004 Season:

Texas

Results the Following Year:

* Team goes undefeated
* Defeats USC in Rose Bowl in spite of - or perhaps becasue of - slavish Trojan-worship from sports media
* National Champions
* QB is Heisman Trophy runner-up. But after rushing for 200 yards, passing for 250+ and scoring 3 TDs in BCS game, declared greatest athlete ever. Downtown Athletic Club asks for trophy back from Reggie Bush.
* Head coach praised, millions of Texans deny ever wanting him fired as MackBrownCanSuckMyHairyWhiteAss.com, .net, .org, .uk and .gov websites are shuttered overnight.

Michigan's Bowl Opponent Following the 2005 Season:

Nebraska

Which Means Next Season:

* Team goes undefeated
* In Fiesta Bowl, Huskers embarrass Notre Dame (who get into BCS title game despite 8-3 record having leap frogged over 6 undefeated teams after stirring win vs. Navy) proving Irish still aren't quite back in spite of media darling and ESPN/Beano Cook oral sex recepient status
* QB throws for more passing yards than any college quarterback ever. Several games won without a single rushing play. Running the ball declared obsolete.
* Head coach proclaimed a genius, selected Coach of the Year, granted exception to make throat-slashing gestures in NCAA rulebook.
* Nebraskans ask, "Who's Tom Osborne?" and sell BillCallahanCanSuckMyHairyWhiteAss.com, .net, .org, .uk and .gov sites to Paris Hilton porn video distributor.
* Three teams purposely lose their "Rivalry Saturday" games in the hopes of getting an invitation to the bowl Michigan is projected to attend.

Submitted by BaggyPantsDevil. If you'd like to submit a post for consideration, email us.

21 comments:

The King said...

I thougght about posting this same general thing as well. Well done, BPD.

One note, though: Next year, the National Championship is not the Fiesta Bowl. It's held at the SITE of the Fiesta Bowl (which is moving to Glandale, AZ next season) on January 8. The actual Fiesta Bowl will be played January 1 at the same place.

That's right, next season is the first season of the "Plus One" Bowl system, which is in fact not a "plus one" game in any way. It's just a fifth BCS game.

For the fans, this means: A longer season (hey why can't we have a playoff again?), and more Notre Dame and Mid-Majors getting into BCS games due to relaxed standards. Yay!

Benny Friedman said...

And don't forget that next year is the first year that Fox gets the BCS games other than the Rose Bowl. So instead of greats like Gary Danielson and Brad Nessler, we're going to be stuck with Tony Siragusa and Brian Baldinger. I just don't understand how a network that does no NCAA football games plans on doing the BCS.

Yost said...

Two things,

Having the National Title game on January 8th is ridiculous. Just insane. While the King wants a playoff and I favor a +1, either would be that same day anyway so the excuses get tired.

As for FOX doing the game, expect more graphics! Lotttttttts more.

IC said...

I can live with the graphics, but I shudder to think about who FOX will put in the booth. Someone with "attitude", no doubt.

I'd feel better about college football on FOX if Keith Jackson did the play-by-play, only because it would be great to hear him grind his way through some on-air FOX promos: "Marissa's little sister is back....and she's brought a whole lotta trouble with her. It's the OC, bitch. All new, Thursday at 8:00."

Yost said...

LOL, IG.

Actually though, as much as I love Keith Jackson, his play by play is getting uglier and uglier. He sometimes sounds as confused as Bobby Bowden who had to ask the cops guarding him after each kick in the Orange Bowl if the FG was good or not. Sad.

The King said...

Keith Jackson has completely lost his mind. Put him down. Put Aaron Taylor with him.

If anyone wants to go get some kind of "Fox BCS announcer" pool going right now, I'll put my life savings on Trev Alberts. Fired from ABC for having too much "attitude." What more could you ask for?

I'll put my secondary pick on Nick Lachey.

Yost said...

"I'll put my secondary pick on Nick Lachey"

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BaggyPantsDevil said...

My bad on the Fiesta Bowl, I'm old and confused much of the time. I did manage to know the Fiesta Bowl is moving to Cardinals Stadium in Glendalle--that thing has more moving parts than the game "Mousetrap" to inlcude the field--and the insight.com bowl is moving to Sun Devil Stadium.

I can't even remember if strength of schedule counts in BCS rankings anymore.

Speaking of old and confused, yeah Keith Jackson does sound pretty clueless, but he still sounds great being clueless. It just sounds great hearing his voice announcing a game, even if he is getting most of it wrong. To me, he'll always be the voice of college football.

CapBuck said...

Now see, this is some funny stuff. The VY post above, sick. This, funny.

Yost said...

Thanks for clearing that up, Cap.

And, I take it from your name, you're a Buckeye fans. Thanks for stopping by. We always appreciate visitors from "That Other School."

CapBuck said...

Yost,

Like I said in the VY post above, I love your site. Makes me laugh *almost* every day. And yeah, I'm a Bucks fan but I've got no beef with maize and blue outside of one day a year for three hours on a football field. Then....

Oh, and that leafblower post? Almost peed my pants.

Yost said...

Wish I could take credit for the Leafblower thing but somebody sent it to me. And like you, I almost lost it, too.

NamelessHusker said...

I as a Husker fan found this to damn funny. Thanks for the laugh

Anonymous said...

Terrific stuff. Met some Michigan fans last year at the Rose Bowl. Nice folks/good school.

Yost said...

Glad everyone liked it. Props to BPD for the post.

Thanks for stopping by.

NomadPCs said...

HA! I sure hope my Huskers can live up to your lofty expectations! Thanks for the laughs. I'm going to go post this on huskerboard.com -- I'll give you credit of course. VERY NICE.

Great bowl game, too. I mean, it did take our entire team to beat you on that last play..... =)

Yost said...

"Great bowl game, too. I mean, it did take our entire team to beat you on that last play..."

LOL!

Thanks for the comment, Nomad.

Anonymous said...

As a Husker I half expected to see any mention of our team on this site come along with a few of these: @#~**$%!@!. Instead I'm laughing my butt off over the predictions for NU next year. We cornhead can dream, but that dream requires us geting past the two previously mention schools. Yikes! Anywho, thanks for a good laugh.

(P.S. Maybe only NUers will find this funny, but the word for the verification I had to type in was "bkugetea". A few steps away from Bugeater... but strange)

Anonymous said...

In regards to Keith Jackson, watch some good ESPN classic football games from the 70's when Curt Gowdy was "the man" and Keith was his sidekick. Those were the days.

Boomer Bear said...

Why are you so down on Notre Dame since they seem to be Michigan's "Daddy"?

Anonymous said...

Keith Jackson has always sucked. If you are a true Michigan fan, it will take only 60 seconds to know he doesn't have a clue who the players are; what they are capable of; he has no ability to follow the team's play progression; and is generally biased against blue. Announce it clean or give it up