Saturday, December 17, 2005
You probably already saw the pictures yesterday when they arrived in your inbox with about 9 "FW:"s in the subject line, an indication of how wide and how quickly they swept the Web. Passed around the country faster than a booster's checkbook at an Ohio State practice, one would have thought these photos showed the long-rumored second gunman pulling the trigger atop the grassy knoll. Instead, they show an All-American quarterback hitting on a hot girl. Oh, the scandal.
"Have you seen the Matt Leinart pictures?"
Now, if you got that call or email before actually seeing the photos, like me, I bet you were thinking, "Man, these must be pretty juicy!" But when I was finally sent the pictures, my first thought was, "Uh...is that it?" Hell, I was at least expecting nudity. Or maybe him flipping off Bush as he gave his Heisman speech. Or, bare minimum, the good-looking QB and one of his lineman sneaking into an afternoon showing of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Something. Instead, all we got were the pix above which were about as "forward worthy" as a picture of any random bar outing posted on MySpace.com.
According to the email that came with the photos, apparently Leinart was at some hip Manhatten bar Saturday night after losing the Heisman and was hitting on the girl in the pictures above all evening. Allegedly, Leinart was pretty drunk (which the top picture seems to show) and made a pass at her of some sort so -- ALLEGEDLY -- she slapped him and left.
Ok, where are those pictures?! Now they would be something to forward! But, alas, we just have the photos above. And you can't tell what the hell is going on from them.
Or can you?
I mean, if these pictures really are not that big a deal and don't show anything interesting, why write an entire post about them? Because I believe they do show something. Something far more sinister. A much bigger problem than an All-American QB making a drunken pass at a pretty girl. See, if you look closer, I think they show the real reason the night didn't go well for Mr. Leinart and the girl left. Answer: the "Bitchy Friend" in the first shot, otherwise known as The Grenade.
I can almost see the knowing nods of every guy reading this post. Because we all know this girl, right? Little Miss, "C'mon HOT BRUNETTE GIRL THE GUYS LIKE INSTEAD OF ME, we should get going." "No, she doesn't need another drink or she'll be drunk." "Let's go, H.B.G.T.G.L.I.O.M., I'm not going without you." To quote comedian John Heffron, these Bitchy Friends that he calls "We Gotta Go Girl" are like Marines -- they don't leave anybody behind. Especially when you're trying to score with their cute friends.
"No, she doesn't want to see your Heisman Trophy or whatever you call it!" (TURNING TO THE HOT GIRL) "I'm going to go call us a cab right now."
Unfortunately for Leinart, since Reggie Bush was probably out celebrating his own Heisman win, no one was there to take one for the team and fall on "The Grenade" in the picture for him. Which you just know is really why The Hot One left ("I have to get up early. Let's! Go!").
So the question shouldn't be "Have you seen the Matt Leinart pictures?" The real question in those emails and calls should be, "Have you seen the Bitchy Friend Running 'Pass' Interference pictures?"
And the lesson here, for all of us, is this: even if you're a Heisman Trophy-winning QB with model good looks, never ever try to pick up a girl who's out with her friends unless you bring your wingman.
Yes, now pass it on.