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Monday, December 19, 2005

Big 10 Christmas List

With Christmas just around the corner, we here at the M Zone have been racking our brains on what to get each Big 10 football team. It's been tough to find the perfect gift for everybody, but after scouring Amazon.com, eBay and the Pottery Barn, we think we've found just the right things.

Indiana - a basketball season that starts in September and a good realtor for their head coach.

Stocking stuffer: Subscription to Maxim and Breaking Away DVD.

Penn State - :02 fewer seconds, a ban on post-game press conferences after tough losses and unlimited space on all the Nittany Lion message boards so their fans can continue to bitch/whine/complain/swear/moan about the '05 game from now until the end of time.

Stocking stuffer: Offer to buy all those FireJoePa.com, JoePaMustGo.net and JoePaYouSuckBigHairyAssSoBlowMeAndQuit.org websites that we assume aren't being used as much anymore around Happy (Again) Valley

Wisconsin - a calendar that includes November since they usually stop playing each year around October 31st.

Michigan State - a calendar that only has September, therapy sessions to get over their Michigan inferiority complex, Steve Mariucci's # on speed dial so they can replace one mediocre coach with another. (Note: we usually give a hand-me-down to our in-state little brother. And knowing how much they liked our old Alamo Bowl bid from 10 years ago, we were going to wrap it up and surprise them with it until we realized we still needed it. So, we had to scramble this year)

Stocking stuffer: A kicker. Any kicker.

Iowa - Full can of "NFL Be Gone" spray to apply around Kirk Ferentz's house and time-shares in Florida to be used each season for their bowl appearances

Illinois - Oops, forgot to get them something. Again. Are they still in the league and playing football? Shit, might have to re-gift $10 Sharper Image gift certificate M Zone staff got at Fark.com Christmas/Chanuakah/Kwanzaa party.

Minnesota - After giving them the same gift of a 5-0 start the last couple of years (they're so hard to buy for), we decided to get them something different this Christmas because they never know what to do with our usual present and always break it. That's why this year we're giving them a real stadium that doesn't cause games to have to be rescheduled to Tuesday around lunch if the Twins make the MLB Playoffs

Purdue - We thought last year's gift -- the easiest Big 10 schedule in the history of the league -- was enough. Apparently not. As such, this year we're giving Joe Tiller's squad a MAC invitation so they can finally live up to expectations

Stocking stuffer: Something hipper than an "Old Oaken Bucket" to play for in their "storied" rivalry game with Indiana. Maybe they can play for IU's new Maxim subscription.

Northwestern - Unfortunately, somebody stole our big gift idea for the 'Cats a couple years ago which allowed them to rename their stadium. 'Cause when you thought of intimidating places to play - The Swamp, The Big House, Death Valley - going down to the Dyche didn't quite cut it. So this year, we got them a "D" to go along with their "O". Because while their spread offense has done wonders, their "spread defense" hasn't worked out so well for them.

Ohio State - Yes, in the holiday spirit, we even got something for our hated rival to the south. We were going to get them all "Fuck Michigan" shirts but, after a recent visit, we realized everybody there already owned one. Then we were going to just give the entire team cash until we heard that's what their boosters give them each year. That's when inspiration struck and we decided to get a big replica of the Michigan team bus so their "bomb sniffing dogs" can prepare for Michigan's trip to Columbus next year and their AD can practice his "We do that to everybody" speech with a straight face.

Stocking stuffer: regular customer discounts at Ernie's Taco Shack in Tempe

Michigan - Ah, the Wolverines. What do we get the beloved 7-4 home team? Naturally, we bought them the most gifts. But it was tough this year. Sure, Wangs wanted to see about getting that old PSU FireJoePa.com site and changing it into a FireLloydAndBringBackMoeller.com site but Benny and I talked him out of it. So we finally decided on the following: A road win in September (or a revamped schedule with just MAC teams, Purdue included), a rule that all games must go to OT (sorry MSU), a Yes-We're-Allowed-To-Pass-If-We're-Winning-In-The-4th-Quarter sticker for Terry Malone's offensive playbook and a defensive stop in the 4th quarter when the game is on the line.

That left only our big, special gift from Santa to Lloyd: John Cooper coming back to coach at Ohio State.

Oh, and we have one more gift in our bag that contributor BaggyPantsDevil just brought...

Every up and coming team in college football - The opportunity to launch your star player’s Heisman candidacy, start your run for a national championship, get a victory that announces your declining football program is back, or get a victory that announces your football program with no winning tradition whatsoever is for real by defeating an overrated—but still the winningest ever—Michigan team in a nationally televised game with a huge audience. Additionally, you’ll win the game in an exciting fashion with a score in the final minutes—don’t worry, Michigan will make sure you get just the right amount of time left so that you, and only you, can score—and ESPN will declare the game an “Instant Classic” so that it can be rebroadcast over and over for everyone’s enjoyment.

Well, hope everybody likes their presents. And don't worry, we have gift receipts if you need them.

Happy Holidays!

The M Zone Staff

5 comments:

BaggyPantsDevil said...

Bravo! Those were incredible. Made my morning.

Just a couple of comments on some Big Ten schools.

I think Penn State’s loss to Michigan this year was a pretty good present and one of the nicest things Michigan’s ever done for them. Had Penn State won, they’d still be ranked only #3 in the BCS and still only going to the Orange Bowl and have another undefeated season without a national championship. Michigan did them a favor, now they get to be the best one-loss team in college football instead of the most overlooked and disrespected undefeated team that has yet again been victimized by an anti-Penn State bias.

Wisconsin got their present earlier this year, the first victory over Michigan since 1994 and the first victory for Barry Alvarez over Lloyd Carr ever. It figures he’s retiring, coaches who just can’t beat Michigan are a dying breed.

And for anyone else in college football, there seems to be an open invitation for this gift:

Every up and coming team in college football - The opportunity to launch your star player’s Heisman candidacy, start your run for a national championship, get a victory that announces your declining football program is back, or get a victory that announces that your football program with no winning tradition whatsoever is for real by defeating an overrated—but still the winningest ever—Michigan team in a nationally televised game with a huge audience. Additionally, you’ll win the game in an exciting fashion with a score in the final minutes—don’t worry, Michigan will make sure you get just the right amount of time left so that you, and only you, can score—and ESPN will declare the game an “Instant Classic” so that it can be rebroadcast over and over for everyone’s enjoyment.

Yost said...

BPD,

LOL!!!! Might have to add your last paragraph to the main List! That was HILARIOUS!

HINYG8 said...

Damn....tat was awesome and I am even a Buckeye fan.

Well done!

PS: Nice pants Max!

Yost said...

Thanks, Hin!

BaggyPantsDevil said...

I'm just glad to be able to contribute.

Also, we should send Phillip Fulmer a size XXXXXXXXXL t-shirt that reads:

"Disappointment is Tennessee"