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Monday, November 07, 2005

Great Literature

Stumbled across this book online. Talk about the perfect stocking stuffer.

But just 303 Reasons? The author must have only been there for a very short amount of time, like for about 30 seconds. Or this must be Volume One...of a 10 part series.

In any event, allow me to help with a few more:

304: Their so-called fans will break out your car's windows if they see Michigan plates during the M/OSU weekend
305: Even elderly women will flip you off before, during and after the game.
306: The mascot guy with the big nut for a head will steal the Michigan banner out of a Michigan fan's hands then stomp on it right in front of him, thinking it's a hoot.
307: The chant inside the men's room at halftime is a chorus of drunken "F*ck Michigan!" cheers (but rarely "Go Bucks!").
308: The cops standing atop the stadium with their sniper rifles make the place look like a maximum security prison instead of a fun place for college football
309: White-trash rednecks pretty much suck in general
310: The glass place you call to fix your car's window after you woke up the morning of the game to find it busted out in the first place (even though you thought you were staying at a nice hotel a couple miles off the campus) will suddenly claim they're too busy to come out to replace the window when the "gentleman" on the phone finds out you're from Michigan.
311: Flying beer bottles aimed at anything Maize or Blue near the stadium on game days.
312: Spitting at our marching band as they enter the stadium.
313: Spitting at any Michigan fans as they walk near the stadium.
314: Having the Michigan team bus searched by bomb and drug sniffing dogs as they arrive on gameday...then lying and claiming they do it to everybody (which, of course, turns out to be false).
315: They justify all their boorish behavior by claiming, "It's the same for Ohio State fans when they're in Ann Arbor" when that isn't the case.
316: Sweater vests are for pussies.

Have a couple of your own to add? Please. Share with the class.


LAGuy said...

They still think Woody Hayes got treated unfairly.

DanDierdorf said...

This guy wrote one about Notre Dame as well. He is a HATER!!!

M82 said...

(I hate to start a post with) Seriously, (but SERIOUSLY) no one - not even a Michigan fan - should have to fear for his/her actual personal safety when attending a football game.

Snake Pit indeed,


P.S. Seriously.

The King said...

Paul Finebaum is a very well known radio personality in Alabama, where he made his name ripping on the Tide. He put put this same book there as reasons to hate the Crimson Tide, then realized what a marketing opportunity he had, so he made versions of them for nearly every major program in the country.

So whil I can appreciate that there is an OSU version, it's not like this guy is a brother in arms who is finally showing the world what we've all known for our whole lives.

He's really kind of a dick. Don't give him your money.

Yost said...

Oh, I didn't plan on buying his book, Loef. I have enough firsthand reasons of my own to hate Ohio State that I don't need some other guy to help me add to it.

Actually, I fogot one of the top reasons: On M/OSU game days, apparently going one over the speed limit in Ohio is a felony.

IC said...

# 317 - They still worship that insufferable prick Wayne Woodrow Hayes for his toughness (ex. punching Clemson defender Charlie Bauman for having the audacity to intercept a tOSU pass in the 1978 Gator Bowl), his class (ex. throwing the sideline markers to protest a non-call during a 1971 loss to Michigan), and his old-school respect for the game (ex. "Because I couldn't go for three!" - WWH's response when asked why he went for two with tOSU up 48-14 in the 1968 Michigan game).

Who does Hell have on the schedule this week, Woody?

# 318 - Among their fans is the Julie-from-the-Love-Boat looking girl who gave me, a gullible undergrad in a Michigan sweatshirt, the index finger "come here" curl at closing time in a Columbus bar in November '88. Upon my approach, she wildly hurled a roundhouse right that I was able to dodge before fleeing the bar, undoubtedly leaving the poor, unsuspecting chap behind me with a badly-bruised sternum.

IC said...

Yost, excellent use of "before, during, and after the game" (#305) in your original post. Along with the crunch of fallen leaves under walking feet, hearing the Big Ten coaches spew that line of hypocrisy is an unmistakable sound of autumn.

Also, great point about sweater vests, at least as it relates to Tressel. The more starched his tops become, the more obvious it is that he is overcompensating for his phoniness, corruption, and deep sense of inner shame.

Man, I can't wait 'til the 19th!

Yost said...


LOL re: "Who does Hell have on the schedule this week, Woody?"

And I wish I could say I am surprised about the girl at the bar. But that's indicative of the entire game day culture down there: It's not simply one or two drunk frat guys that are the a-holes, it's more institutionalized than that. Hence the reason the president of the tOSU gave the public apology following the Texas game after the way Longhorn fans were treated in Columbus.

The King said...

That's nothing, Gold. A buddy of mine saw his "Ohio State chick picked me up for a night of passion" dream actually come true (I would argue that only a total nitwit would have this fantasy but I digress), and she left him with some, shall I say, lifelong parting gifts.

Yost said...

Lifelong parting gifts, Loef? You don't mean ABBA's Greatest Hits CDs, do you?